(At this point, it finally became clear to me that the sense of doom, gloom, and dread I was experiencing was generalized anxiety, and that the underlying factor in anxiety disorders is worry and the resulting suppression of emotions and problem solving. With that in mind, I was finally able to start to tackle the cause of my emotional disturbances. As the ancient adage goes, "identifying the disease is half the cure". This was written in the midst of a whopper of an anxiety attack. Not knowing what to do, I just started to write, beginning with how I felt at the time. And so it begins:)
I’m feeling anxious. Very anxious. Psychology describes anxiety as a wall behind which people hide to avoid having to deal with emotions. Emotions, like life, are messy at times, and anxiety keeps you in your head, in an endless loop of worry, what-ifs, imaginary worst-case scenarios, and unrealistic, improbable fears. Sometimes, the anxiety attaches itself to a realistic feeling or occurrence, in an effort to give it life, thus making it even harder to break the feedback loop because when trying to dismiss the worry, the realistic foundation of the worry reinforces it. The fact, though, is that the reality and the worry have nothing in common other than the starting point. For example, a small mark on the skin can begin an endless worry loop about skin cancer. When trying to dismiss the unlikely and improbable worry about cancer as an unrealistic worry, the mark on the skin reinforces the worry, by giving it a basis in reality. But the fact is that the mark is nothing more than a mark until a doctor looks at it and, as in most cases, dismisses it as not being of any concern. The worry that follows, although triggered by a real situation is in itself not a reality. The worry is further reinforced by the false belief that worry helps the person avoid, be more prepared for, or better able to cope with a negative outcome. The reality, however, is that worry is always an imaginary what-if, a prediction of the worst-case scenario, regardless of how unlikely it is to happen, and is always disproportionate to the eventual outcome. The way to conquer anxiety and worry is to realize that worry is harmless, but unhelpful and not realistic.
It is also stoppable and controllable. One way to stop anxiety and worry is to address the worry as unrealistic and to focus on staying in the present. Another way is to tap into the emotion that is being suppressed by the worry and anxiety. By breaking through the barrier of anxiety and accessing the very emotions that it is trying to protect you from, you break down the defenses and deem them no longer necessary or helpful.
My problem with anxiety and worry originates from all three conditions that predispose an individual to chronic anxiety. The first is genetic. Anxiety runs in my genes; my father and some or all of my siblings are anxiety-ridden as well. The second predisposing factor is that I was raised with the belief that worry is a helpful tool for being prepared to cope with life’s uncertainties. The third factor is that I was never provided a healthy, independent ego and self-esteem by my parents. My mother essentially abandoned me at birth by dumping me in a crib right away, and my father made me feel dependent throughout my entire life and past marriage by constantly doing things to take care of me, not realizing that those acts of kindness were actually reinforcing a dependence and not allowing self-sufficiency and independence to develop. The fourth factor is that the traumatic events that occurred during my upbringing forced me to suppress my emotions, because whenever something occurred, my siblings were unable to cope and somebody had to stay level-headed. And if not me, then who? And the only way I could bring myself to stay level-headed and take care of the issues at hand, I had to suppress my emotions. I had to be strong for m siblings and tell everyone that it’s all going to be okay. When my family witnessed the vicious fights my parents had on a daily basis, when my mother eventually died unexpectedly after we alienated her, blaming her for the fighting, and when my father was diagnosed with a massive brain tumor, it was I who had to suck it up, take the reigns, and keep it together for everyone else so that everyone could feel safe and secure, and have the impression that everything was going to be alright because I was there and had everything under control.
This need to be level-headed and emotionless at all times did not allow me the opportunity to express my own feelings – fear and hopelessness when my parents fought, guilt and sadness when my mother died, and fear of losing my father when he was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Each life experience forced me to push my feelings and emotions deeper and deeper. Then came my brother’s overdose and near-death where it fell upon my shoulders to stay calm and get him the help he needed. Then when my sister overdosed I had to do the same, all the while not taking the time to get in touch with how I felt.
I believed that the past was the past, and that bygones were bygones. But little did I know, that they were not. The brain, and especially the subconscious, is very versatile and adaptable. It learns from what it is taught beginning at birth, stores the information, and wires itself accordingly. With time, the brain begins to go on autopilot, using the beliefs it was instilled with – but now it’s on its own.
This can be a great thing, but unfortunately, the brain is a neutral organ. When taught to suppress emotions, it does not differentiate between negative emotions and positive emotions. It just suppresses all emotions. And that’s now a good thing. The same can be said for pretty much all bodily functions where the brain has a hard time differentiating between what is good for the person and what is not. It learns a survival technique and it pulls it out whenever it feels it is necessary, but in many cases the survival tool is not really necessary, and employing it actually causes harm to the person.
One such example is arthritis. The brain mistakenly senses that there is a threat to the joints, and it reacts by employing the immune system to attack the invader, resulting in painful inflammation to the joints. Thanks, but no thanks. Another example is anaphylactic shock, where the brain believes that a simple food particle is an invading foreigner, and it responds by sealing off all bodily entryways – including the airway. Again, a huge thanks, but no thanks. Even the medication to prevent these thankless reactions do not train the brain to not see that there is, in fact, no danger and, thus, no reason for a defensive reaction. It simply suppresses the brain’s immune response overall, thus making the individual more prone to other infections resulting from a compromised immune system.
The same applies to anxiety and suppression of emotions, where the brain believes that it is helping based on the information it was fed. And, as with arthritis medication, SSRIs, the medication taken to shut down the sympathetic portion of the brain, also shuts down its ability to enjoy things, such as sexual activity.
But enough of the negativity, and now for the good news. In fact, the great news.
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