Picture this scenario and see how it applies very closely to my situation:
A boy grows up carefree in Middle America. The child loves his parents and has lots of friends in school. Then the child grows up, becomes a man, gets married and loves his wife dearly. Unable to find a job, the couple agrees that the man will enlist in the military. They calculate that he will put in a few years, earn a pension, hopefully won’t be deployed, and then when he’s done they can live off of his veteran’s benefits.
The man enlists and attends training and is away occasionally, but is mostly home, and life is good. Then one day, the United States declares war on Iraq. Every able-bodied soldier is deployed to Iraq, including the man in our example, who is shuttled off to Iraq immediately. While in Iraq, the soldier flourishes; he makes quick, smart, lifesaving decisions and is promoted multiple times. He is in his element and has never shone brighter before in his life.
And then, one day, he is told that the war is over and his tour of duty is up. He can now go home, enjoy his wife and his newborn child who was born while he was away in Iraq. He is told that he will now live off of a comfortable pension and health benefits. Luckily, he was not injured or killed and really enjoy the rest of his life, unlike others who were either killed, injured, or lost limbs. With his wartime experience under his belt, his life financially set, and his health and body fully intact, nothing sounds better than going home and enjoying the rest of his life in peace and love.
But then the soldier comes home, and after the homecoming parade and fanfare dies down and he is home with his wife and child, something feels off. There is a pit in his stomach that seems to be preventing him from enjoying the life he thought he could now enjoy. He feels somewhat distant from his wife and child. He hugs them, but he doesn’t feel it. This lack of feeling causes him to spiral into a deeper anxiety, wondering what’s wrong with him. Maybe war got to me, maybe I snapped, maybe I’m going crazy. Wasn’t I supposed to do my tour then come home and enjoy a nice, quiet life? What’s wrong with me? And the self-fulfilling prophecy feeds itself, depression ensues, and the man feels like things will never be the same again. His wife encourages him to hug her, get to know his child, tries to convince him that everything is okay now, but that sends him into a deeper spiral as the cognitive dissonance sets in, him seeing and knowing that everything is okay, but that he just simply can’t get himself to enjoy it and to love his loved ones.
In this classic, all-too-familiar story, what changed? A young, loving, smart man who just went to battle and fought courageously and bravely for the sole purpose of creating a quiet, enjoyable life for his family, now can’t seem to enjoy his life and love his loved ones. His life is good – in fact it’s better than the way he left it, so that didn’t change. His wife still loves him – in fact she loves him even more after what he went through at war, so that didn’t change. He didn’t “snap” or “go crazy” so his mental status didn’t change. He didn’t lose his ability to love his wife and child and to enjoy life, because he loves them so much that he’s frustrated about his inability to get in touch with those emotions. So what did change?
The answer in one word, is conditioning. War is an intense circumstance that, since it involves actual fight, flight or freeze, quickly reconditions the human brain with the following set of new beliefs:
1. Worry is good because it will keep you alive. If you don’t let your guard down and worry about and anticipate the enemy coming from anywhere at anytime and be as prepared as you can at all times, you have a better chance of staying alive. Worry and expecting the worst is good and will protect you.
2. Do not get too emotionally attached to anyone, because people die in war, and if you get too attached to someone you love or are close to, it will hurt more if you lose them. To protect yourself, avoid becoming emotionally attached to anyone. Emotional attachment is bad and can cause you to be hurt. Emotional distance will protect you from that kind of pain and loss. Love is bad.
3. Don’t show emotion because emotion equals weakness, and in war weakness is bad. You need to feel, look, act, and be tough and emotionless when facing the enemy. You must also show strength to the men in your company by keeping a strong, straight face and by never breaking down or letting go. Showing emotion will demoralize others who are looking to you for stability and strength. Displays of pain are bad.
4. You are not an individual anymore. You are a member of a team. You depend on your men and your men depend on you. You must have your men’s backs and they must have yours at all times. There is no each man for himself. You are part of an army. You are serving your country. It is more honorable to not take credit for your bravery, but to see it as your duty. Individuality is bad. Taking credit for your accomplishments is bad.
With those beliefs ingrained in his subconscious, the soldier comes home to a situation where his conscious brain says:
• You no longer need to worry. You are no longer in danger. You are back home, safe, and no longer at war. Worry is no longer helpful. In fact, worry about danger that is no longer applicable will keep you from enjoying the beautiful life you now have.
• It is now healthy and okay to become emotionally attached. It is bad to be distant from your wife and child. It is good to be close and loving with them.
• Emotions are healthy and can now be freely expressed. You can openly express your love for your wife, your frustrations, your anger, hate, fear and sadness. Expressing emotions brings you closer to your loved ones and deepens your attachment to them and enhances your relationships.
• You are a hero. You sacrificed your life and comforts for your family and you created an environment where they can now enjoy an easygoing life. You can give yourself credit for your heroism, bravery, sacrifice and accomplishments, and you can accept accolades from others when they tell you how proud they are of you. It is okay to be an individual now. You are no longer part of an army and you are no longer at war. You are now yourself once again.
The cognitive dissonance between what the subconscious was conditioned to believe and what the conscious brain perceives as the reality is what causes the anxiety and frustration. The facts haven’t changed. The people haven’t changed. Only the brain’s beliefs and conditionings have changed. And they changed for good because that is what was needed in war. Worry, emotional distance and selflessness were necessary for survival so the brain adapted. But now they are no longer needed. Now, worry is no longer needed and can be a hindrance, emotional closeness is good and important, and individuality is necessary to be a whole person. But the subconscious did not yet catch up with the reality. And that can cause intense frustration and increased anxiety.
But the good news in all of this, is that the cure was created before the disease.
You see, that very same brain that enjoyed a life of love, emotional attachment and hope, was reconditioned in order to survive in war. The reconditioning was extreme and quick. The brain adapted quickly in order to survive at war. It is the very same brain that can now be just as easily reconditioned to survive in the new reality of life back home where things are drastically different.
Seeing the new reality does not help recondition the subconscious because without understanding what is happening and why here is a disparity between the subconscious’s reactions and the reality, the cognitive dissonance creates a spiral of anxiety and does not help with the healing and adaptation to the new reality. It is only when there is a clear understanding of what is happening, – how the brain was reconditioned during war and how it is still using its wartime tools because it needs to be re-adapted to home life – and once the understanding sets in and the fear is gone, that the healing can begin and the reconditioning of the brain can start to be implemented. And just as the brain switched from home life to wartime survival, it can now, just as easily switch back. Since it is not a fight, flight, or freeze situation at home, the progression is more gradual as opposed to wartime where survival instincts result in quick, almost instantaneous adaptations. The re-adaptation to a non-survival environment may take a little longer, but it is equally possible and will be accomplished with the right perspective, tools and patience.
And that’s where I come in. my childhood and development, career advancement and child raising was wartime, and it continued into marriage with the struggles of infertility, moving, and so on. Now is the time to reap the fruits of my years of investment, but I found it hard to change modes from one of struggle, worry, emotional evenness and teamwork to one of enjoyment, relaxation, self-appreciation, individuality, love and feelings. And not knowing what was happening resulted in cognitive dissonance and frustration.
But, as with the soldier, the very same brain that was originally conditioned to believe, think and feel the way it needed to in wartime, can and will now be reconditioned to believe, think and feel what it needs in order to enjoy a quiet life of calm, love, peace, emotion, individuality. After all, the soldier – and myself – worked all of those years to create what it now has to enjoy, and nothing changed – the situation is better than ever and the person is stronger than ever – the only change that is needed is in the subconscious’s survival tools – it simply needs to adapt to the new environment where love, emotion, closeness, individuality and heroism are all needed and appreciated. It happened when he went to war, so it can and will happen again.
My childhood was like wartime on a much smaller scale, in that:
• I was not provided with a healthy ego during my developmental years
• I was not encouraged and taught to be self-sufficient and independent
• I was forced to suppress emotions to avoid looking weak in the eyes of those looking up to me
• I avoided emotional attachment, fearing I could lose anyone at anytime as I did my mother
• I was conditioned to see worry, sympathy and excessive concern as helpful tools
• I was not provided true love; from my mother I got abuse and from my father I got kindness
But now, my brain – and, more specifically, my subconscious – is beginning to truly internalize that:
• I no longer need to worry about anything
• Worry is not a helpful or useful tool; in fact, it results in distraction and hesitation
• Spontaneity and uncertainty are what make life exciting, fun, unpredictable and adventurous
• Most uncertainty results in positive outcomes
• Emotions are healthy and a necessary part of life
• I am learning about true love from my wife and children
I also realize that:
• I am better than I ever was
• My life is better than it ever was
• Any feelings I have that make me feel otherwise are leftover learned worry behaviors that will be unlearned as my subconscious realizes and internalizes that those feelings are no longer useful or helpful
• The world and life are there for my enjoyment. It beckons me to embrace it. They need me to and want me to. My job needs me to enjoy what I do; my family needs me to enjoy and love them; my wife needs me to love her and want to enjoy and be with her. Even my conscious brain is on board with the new me and my enjoyable life. My conscious brain knows now that worry is unhelpful and is ready to enjoy the spontaneity of life. It’s now up to my subconscious brain to receive the new signal – that worry is not helpful and that emotions are good and healthy – and to get on board!
• Thankfully there are no additional related concerns like financial hardship, addiction or medical issues that would complicate a recovery. It is only the anxiety itself – the worry behavior – and once that goes when it realizes that it is no longer necessary, useful or helpful, and that it is okay to access and express emotions like love, joy, anger, sadness, happiness, appreciation, etc., I can re-enter my happy life as a more self-confident, assured person with many more years to enjoy.
• Nothing can stand before the will. I can choose to not pursue a feeling of anxiety, knowing that it is not based on realistic concerns, is not helpful, and is unwanted! This is not suppression; it is acknowledgement that there is a worry and a feeling of anxiety, but that the worry is unrealistic and unhelpful and therefore not worthy of my time. I am better off focusing on real, actual life!
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