Self-improvement through my anxiety journey

Here’s one major thing that I’ve come to accept now that I’m able to see things more clearly and realistically. You see, one of the things that added to the feelings of anxiety and depression was the yearning for the good ol’ days, before all this, when I was happy and not anxious or worried. But now that I see things clearly, I see that there were no good ol’ days. Perhaps the anxiety was not out of control, but the days were not good. This is a more realistic picture of what they consisted of:

• Trouble falling asleep
• Difficulty falling back asleep once being awoken
• Panic and worry about every little ache, pain, mark, etc.
• Running to doctors and specialists
• Taking days and hours off of work for doctor visits and medical tests
• Worrying that I have a deadly illness
• Inability to relax physically
• Inability to relax mentally
• Not in touch with my own thoughts
• Afraid of quiet time; always drowning out silence with music or AC
• Spending time away from family due to unnecessary appointments
• Negative outlook on health and life
• Spending money on copays and medications
• Always self-examining for diseases
• Driving wife crazy with baseless health concerns
• Driving doctors crazy with baseless health concerns

So to wish for the days before the anxiety spiraled out of control is asking for all of that back. And I don’t want that back. That was a miserable experience and seems like it was good in retrospect only because it was “managed” by pursuing every single worry and anxiety by either obsessing endlessly about it, or by running to a doctor for reassurance. The reason why the anxiety seems more intense now is because, finally, I am not pursuing each anxiety and worry – and that’s what took the endless linear concerns and created a loop which was the intense anxiety at first. But now, I broke the endless loop and I am turning back the tide. As Steve Jobs put it, I am living and sleeping with the problem and, as painful as it may seem, ultimately I will have solved it and come out at the other end with a better “product” and solution.

So once it is established that there is no good old days to miss or yearn for, firstly that takes away a lot of the causes of additional anxiety and depression, it makes me happy that that person is gone forever, and it now focuses me on looking ahead at who I am becoming and who I will be, as opposed to looking back at what was. This is a great foundation for the future and sets the tone of where I go from here.

Another great thing about coming out on the other side of dealing with anxiety is that the person I am becoming is the real me. And the more me I am, the stronger and more authentic my relationships with others is and will be. And that leads me to the next aspect: the aura. You see, there is a vibe that people give off whether they know it or not, and whether or not they want to, that other can pick up on, whether they know it or not. This aura tells the world whether the person is having a good day or a bad day, is in a good mood or a bad mood, is approachable or needs to be backed away from or left alone.

As I am coming out of the anxiety and feeling more like myself but still not 100% there, I noticed something very strange. People are starting to approach me who never did, and are starting to say positive things to me out of the blue. I didn’t connect the dots, but when someone mentioned that a positive aura attracts people to the person, it all fell into place. Here are a few examples of things that have been happening lately:

• My wife came up to me out of the blue and said, “you look cute today. Whatever weight you are at right now is perfect for you; don’t lose any more. This is a great look for you.”

• I was walking in the street a few days ago when a friend of mine walked up to me and said, “hey, you’re looking good!”

• A day or so later, an employee who works for my company one day a week, came in to the office and, after 10 years of seeing me each week, she said, “wow, don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re looking great! Damn!”

• A few days earlier, I was sitting at a social event when the husband of one of my employees who has seen me week after week approached me and shook my hand and introduced himself as my employee’s husband.

• Then just this past Friday, a member of my shul whose marriage my wife and I helped arranged, someone who had seen me week after week and never approached me, suddenly approached me and had a kind word for me out of the blue.

And these are just the things I am consciously aware of and remember. It’s obvious, whether I am fully aware of or in touch with it, that I am exuding some type of a positive aura that is making it clear to others that I am a positive, confident and approachable person. In fact, when I was under extreme anxiety, although I did my utmost to conceal it and act normal, people were somewhat distant and backed off. My wife was also able to notice when something was off. But now, as I am emerging from my bout with severe generalized anxiety, the world is beginning to react by coming back to me and approaching me. Sometimes it takes an external opinion to show or at least verify what I feel is actually happening – that I am becoming a better, more confident person who is better liked by others, and whom others want to be around and associate with.

This is one of the reasons why many people need a therapist while they go through self-improvement – they need someone who can objectively monitor and inform them of their progress, because the person going through it can sometimes not be objective enough to see the progress they are making. Each setback can feel like it was all a waste and that nothing is working, or that things are getting worse, but a caring person who is one step away and is able to see things objectively can show the person how far they’ve actually come. It is for this reason that when relaxing with my thoughts each night, the first thing I do, regardless of how I feel at the time, is step outside of myself and look at my progress objectively so that I can go through the progress I have been making and see how today was better than yesterday, and this week was better than the week before despite the current things still in need of work or the temporary setback.