Stepping back to acknowledge the progress so far

The next thing to acknowledge is the amazing ability for the body to detect and react to anxiety, even before the conscious mind is aware of it. It’s amazing. It really is. Time after time, I would feel some muscle twitches, realize that I am holding tension in my jaw, or even feel an anxiety attack coming on, all without even realizing that I am actually anxious. But thank G-d, I know what is causing them, and I have the ability to see past them, and tune into my mind to try and determine why my body is holding tension or reacting to anxiety. I can then address the anxiety, and with time, the symptoms subside as well.

What happened was, I plateaued. I got out of the extreme anxiety attacks and the darkness and gloom that I suffered in for months. It took a lot of effort as this document will show. I clawed and churned and worked my way out of it until I reached a point of stability – no more uncontrollable spirals into anxiety and panic; no more sleepless nights; no more emotional distress.

And that’s when I reached a point of complacency. I was getting decent nights’ sleep, the TMJ pain has subsided for the most part, and things were stable. But, you see, here’s the problem. I am a person who is not happy with complacency, with good enough, and with plateaus and stability. Day after day of repetitious behavior and activities is not good enough for me. I need to keep forging ahead, growing, advancing, and becoming a better person. I tried focusing on what I mean to my wife and children and how they are benefiting from my daily existence thinking that it would give me the sense of fulfillment that I need in order to enjoy and appreciate each day of my life. But that was simply falling back on the external feedback mechanism, where I used to define myself by how others perceived me, and now here I was, or rather, am, defining and valuating my existence by the effect it had on others. For many people this works: they feel worthy and fulfilled based on the value, honor or prestige bestowed on them by others, and they value their days based on the effect they had on others and what they contributed to the world and their loved ones.

For many, that is enough, but for I, who am going through an existential crisis for lack of a better word, that is not enough. I need to know who I am, what I am doing here, what my value is to myself, what I am, what I am to me, and why I am on this earth, and the purpose of waking up each day as it relates to my own life and existence. I also need to understand and feel the need and desire to advance in life. I am not happy just standing still, but at the same time, I don’t feel any passion other than to stay where I am and just get through the days. But that’s not doing it for me. Sure, there are exciting events coming up such as birthdays, upsherin, etc., but for some reason, I need more. I need me. I need to be able to say to myself each morning, “wow, good thing I woke up this morning because…” Now, that reason may be because of something need to do for someone else, but it needs to be something internalized, something that I feel in my essence that makes me feel like each day is valuable and meaningful, as opposed to just another day to get through as best as possible, do the best I can, get to bed, and then do it all over again. That may work for many, but it does not work for me. In fact, perhaps it does not work for many, since 1 in 10 adults are on antidepressants and according to the symptoms described by them, 3 in 10 should be.

But before going further, it must be repeated that the progress made to date is astounding! On August 10, I was racing to the doctor in the worst panic of my life, ready to take the leap I had avoided until then, which was to start taking prescription medication for anxiety and panic. It was that day that he prescribed the Xanax, and when I first took it. Now it is November 7, less than 3 months from that fateful day, after which things became even worse at times, and here I am, having been off of the medication for over a month, without having seen a psychiatrist, psychotherapist, or medical doctor, and I am not in emotional distress, I am sleeping through the nights, I am functioning well through my days, I am no longer agoraphobic, I exude a positive aura, I have come out of my shell at home and at work and I am able to enjoy my family and try to grow personally, and I enjoy my workplace, my coworkers, and my career, and I look forward to advancing within it. Pain no longer sends me into panic, bad news does not result in a spiral of anxiety, and I no longer feel as though I am losing my mind. Wow! I am so amazed at what I have been able to accomplish in so short a time! Things got so bad and distressful that I actually called a psychiatrist at one point and was ready to start taking antidepressants…I called a psychotherapist and was ready to to start therapy sessions. I was ready to just give up and accept that I would most likely have to live a life of extreme emotional distress, which either way was not an option. I almost lost my wife and kids over it. It was so bad. October 8 was one of the worst days of my life when I took my anxiety and panic to the limit and felt like I was just going to explode, die, go insane, who knows? And here I am a few months later and the difference is night and day(break)!

And, to get some perspective on where things stand, amazingly, when I spoke with the hotshot therapist about possibly using him for treatment, all he could offer was that it required a minimum of a 6 month commitment, and that even after 6 months, most people did “better” at most, and for many, therapy didn’t even work. And worse, he wouldn’t even be able to see me for at least a week from then, and then only once a week, and I was in need of instant relief, as distressed as I was.

So regardless of whatever anxiety is left or whatever symptoms of unresolved anxiety I am currently experiencing, or whatever symptoms of anxiety such as muscle twitches, occasional muscle spasms, pain, etc., I need to keep things in perspective: By making the decision to slowly churn the meat-grinder and turn back the emotional and psychological wheels, get control of my overactive mind, and challenge and replace negative and false beliefs. To be out of the emotional abyss is one of the most amazing feelings ever, and to have come this far in so short a time without any outside help, is truly a miracle, and for that I am extremely thankful.

Avoiding the Anxiety Snowball Effect

Now the topic at hand is challenging two of my false beliefs that I hold that will target some of my anxiety. I need to focus on targeting my anxiety and, as a result, on calming my nerves, because I realize that I am holding onto anxiety in the following ways:

1.     I am holding tension in my jaw

2.     My eyelid keeps fluttering/twitching

3.     I feel tightness in my neck/shoulders/upper back

4.     I feel occasional spasms in various areas

5.     I am having intense, disturbed sleeps

First, it is extremely important that I ensure that these symptoms do not induce their own anxiety, since they themselves are symptoms of anxiety and will subside together with the anxiety. They key is to target, identify, address and eliminate the underlying anxiety, and as a result, the symptoms of anxiety will disappear as well as has been proven time and again in the past.

But first, realized something:

Anger and frustration about what I am enduring, and about what others are enduring, is not helpful. It will not change anything for me or for them. So I need to work on acceptance of what does or does not apply to me, and to focus on working to make the best of it.

So the first thing I am going to do not, is understand that anything I am feeling now is simply a result of anxiety and will only make things worse if they trigger their own anxiety. I will let them come and go, flow with them, accept them and let them pass when they are ready. They are simply a nervous reaction to anxiety and will pass with the anxiety. All focus will go toward the root cause – the anxiety itself.

Secondly, I accept my reality for what it is, and I am thankful that it is as good as it is, and not any worse, and that the bad is not that bad and is far from as bad as it could be. I am also thankful that even the bad, as uncomfortable and painful as it could be at times, is nothing more than a symptom of anxiety, and that I have the proven tools for dealing with anxiety.

Thirdly, I am infinitely thankful that in so short a time – less than 3 months – I have been able to successfully get myself out of the abyss of extreme anxiety and panic – the type that was so bad, that death seemed like a blessing. I lived in emotional darkness and was agoraphobic of my bedroom and my office. I saw the possibility of getting hit by a truck as a blessing which tells you how bad I felt at times. Now, I am out of the emotional abyss, and it cannot be said that it was the absence of triggers as has been in the past during anxiety downtimes, rather now G-d has shown me in the way of intense symptoms, that the anxiety level itself, and the anxiety auto-reaction has subsided substantially. This is actually a blessing in disguise because absent it I really had no way of knowing whether the underlying anxiety was actually addressed, or whether it was simply a break in the symptoms. Now I can say for certain that the extreme anxiety has been drastically reduced and controlled.