Introduction

If you are currently suffering from anxiety or panic disorder, then the fact that you are reading my story is one of the most positive and encouraging steps toward changing your life for the better. It is a sign that you are aware of the challenge you are facing, that you understand the root of it, and that you are determined to overcome it and to become a better person for it. Most of all, it shows that you have the will and determination to embark on the journey that I did, in an effort to improve your life by changing your outlook on life

If you are reading this blog because you know someone who is suffering from anxiety disorder, then my goal is to provide you with a glimpse into that person’s life and mind, enabling you to better understand and provide support for that person.

I have found that in life there are two ways to approach every challenge we face: the short-long way and the long-short way.

The short-long way involves finding an easy way out of a predicament that provides what appears to be temporary relief, but which ultimately does not solve the core issue, and usually leaves in its wake countless additional layers of problems, prolonging the underlying problem and making its resolution more difficult and complicated.

While going through episodes of extreme anxiety, I found it tempting to seek whatever instant relief I could get my hands on. But each time I thought about the relief it would provide, my mind would race with the frightening side effects and aftereffects, which only intensified my anxiety and made things feel even more hopeless.

Turning to alcohol or illegal drugs to ease my emotional pain was not an option for me, since I knew that while they may temporarily seem to calm the nerves or numb the sadness, they are actually powerful stimulants that result in even more intense feelings of depression and anxiety as their effect wear off. And since regular drinking and drug use can lead to dependence, greater amounts would be needed to achieve relief. This would further complicate my anxiety problem and make it more difficult to treat once it is layered with alcoholism and drug addiction and physical health problems which would have to be dealt with before my emotional distress could even begin to be addressed. Their use would be followed by withdrawal, requiring additional drugs and alcohol to ease the withdrawal symptoms. This, plus the guilt, shame, and fallout from the addiction would only perpetuate my anxiety symptoms.

On the other hand, therapy was not an option for me either, since I felt that there was nothing a therapist could tell me that I didn’t already know. I also knew that a therapist can’t stop me from having negative thoughts and that in the end I was the one who would have to make the changes. While psychotherapy may work for many people, in my case it would only add to my frustration each time I would not see improvement or each time I would have a setback. And that’s not even considering the exorbitant cost of therapy. An hour a week would not do it for me; I needed someone who could be inside my head, and who could be reached at any time of day or night whenever I was feeling anxious or panicky. But that doesn’t exist, so anything less would only add to my frustration, despair, hopelessness and anxiety. I also knew that I would become dependent on my therapist, and that I would have the feeling of abandonment if he were to go on vacation or be unavailable to take my call or see me when I was feeling desperate.

Although I had always sworn that I would never take antidepressants, I finally conceded that it might be my only opportunity for relief and began to research the available options. And that’s what really intensified my anxiety to its worst levels. I had always kept the option of antidepressants on the back burner as an avenue of last resort for a situation where things were so unbearable, but now even that was not an option.

My research showed that is a wide spectrum of antidepressants, each of which works differently and that each person reacts differently to each type of medication. I discovered that the side effects varied from person to person and that the medications had to constantly be tweaked, modified and changed, and that additional medications were often needed to deal with the side effects of the original medication or to be taken in conjunction with the original medication, and each additional medication came with its own set of side effects that had to be dealt with.

Worse yet, I was most disturbed by the fact that the medications did not even address or resolve the underlying issue – the anxiety itself. People in internet forums would complain that when they went off of their medication their anxiety “came back”, as if the medication made their anxiety “go away” and that it was now “back”. But what they didn’t understand was that their anxiety never “went away” because they did not address it. They simply took medication to suppress their ability to feel their anxiety or its symptoms.

But thoughts are like water. As long as they are running smoothly through the proper channels, all is well. But if there’s a leak, you can’t plug it with a cotton ball because water pressure finds a way to go where it wants. Sure, you can temporarily suppress or distract yourself from thoughts, but they have a sneaky way of building up unreleased pressure and coming at you with even greater force

And because my anxiety stemmed from an out-of-control mind plagued by worry, panic and a negative outlook on life, I knew that antidepressants would not work for me since they could not stop me from thinking. In fact, it would give me even more to worry about – the side effects and effectiveness of the medication.

My decision to not go the medication route was sealed when I came across an article published in The New York Times Magazine that described how scientific studies showed that three-quarters of the apparent response to antidepressants pills is actually due to the placebo effect and was equally as effective as therapy.

So if medication was about as effective as a placebo or therapy, only worse because unlike the other two methods it has side effects and withdrawal in addition to the fact that it does not even address the underlying issue, then it was definitely not the route for me. I was not willing to submit my thought process to medication, and knew that I would only become more anxious, worrying about the side effects, effectiveness and dependence on the medication

The only thing that could turn off my mind would be death, and that was not an option either, since I loved my life and knew how much I meant to my wife, children and community. And it disturbed me to even think of giving up everything that was real, actual and tangible good, over something as intangible and obscure as a feeling. Sure, it was an intense, horrifying and debilitating feeling – to the extent that the thought of death felt like it would be a relief – but it was still only a feeling. And for me, that was not enough to justify a permanent, irreversible escape when I knew that everything in reality was in fact good or at least manageable

When I finally came to terms with the fact that no other option, I resolved to take the long-short way and face my problem head on and to gradually claw my way out of it, even if it meant that it could take a very long time and that I would suffer along the way. I knew that this approach would not bring the instant relief I craved, and may actually make things feel temporarily worse at first as I began to confront my demons and exposed myself to what I feared most, but ultimately, this was the only method that could result in a life of happiness, joy and positivity – without the negative side effects

I knew that the only treatment option that would work for me would include medication that addressed the underlying feeling of anxiety without any side effects, and therapy that would be available every second of the day and night to help control my thoughts without turning them off. The treatment would have to take place in my home and would have to be integrated into my daily life, since between my full-time job, being a full-time parent to my children and husband to my wife, there would be no time to schedule therapy or psychiatry visits.

There was only one option that met all of the above criteria. Me. I was going to have to take this head-on, because I could not go on with my life as it was. I was worn down from night after sleepless night, lying in bed all keyed up, pacing the house in a panic, dreading having to endure the following day, and then spending the day filled with anxiety, feeling like a caged animal, trying to hide it from my employer, employees, and children, while dreading the forthcoming sleepless night.

It wasn’t as though I suddenly felt all empowered, because that is the furthest from the truth. I did not know whether I would be able to find the right tools and techniques for addressing the cause of and overcoming my anxiety disorder. I didn’t know whether I would have the strength, determination and willpower to go through it or whether I would be successful in overcoming or at least managing the disorder. But what I did know was that there was no other option that would work for me. It was either that or nothing. And doing nothing was not an option for me.

So I chose to take the long-short route.

Going in, I believed that my mind was a runaway train. But in my journey, I came to learn that this itself was one of my faulty beliefs. What I learned were the powerful tools that I myself possess that would allow me to get to the root of and addressing my emotional challenges. By understanding what causes them and by being equipped to tackle those causes, I become empowered to change them. And by changing my beliefs, I was able to change the way I think. And by changing the way I think, I was able to change the way I react to life, both physically and emotionally.

But the most important thing that I came to realize was that throughout my entire journey, was that it was important that I proceeded with determination and perseverance, not desperation. I did not see results as fast as I had hoped, but I did see results in less time than I feared it could take. I did and still continue to have setbacks, but those setbacks become easier to recover from once I had the tools and proper mindset, and each setback teaches me a new, valuable skill and new things about myself as a person.

Once I was determined to overcome my anxiety on my own but with the support of my wife, the first thing I did was congratulate myself for making one of the most important decisions of my entire life – the decision to change and improve it.

This is my story. And it’s a story that has not ended, because I am still alive and I am still me. I am a better, more liberated and happy me, but as long as my brain and mind are working they will always be thinking. Only now I am equipped to control my thoughts, address my worries so that they don’t spiral out of control, and to be more positive about life. I also learned the skill of deciding which thoughts require an emotional or physical reaction and which are simply worries that needed to be acknowledged and then seen for what they are – just worries and thoughts.

My story may not be the same as the next person’s and my decisions may not work for everyone. Some people do need counseling and some do need medication to help them enjoy their life or just to get through the days or nights until they are able to modify their brain’s conditioning through self-help or psychotherapy, so my experience should in no way influence anyone else’s decisions or override any medical advice about what works best for the individual.

It is also important to note that the symptoms of anxiety, panic and depression, may actually be purely physiological. It is, therefore, important to have a medical doctor rule out the possibility of any physical problems before proceeding on the assumption that the symptoms are completely anxiety-related.

I hope that my story is helpful and inspirational, but most of all I hope it is as life-changing for you as it is for me.

NOTE: At first, I did not even understand exactly what was happening to me. All I felt was a sense of dread, gloom, and impending doom. So I put pen to paper and started to just write about how I felt without focusing on grammar, structure, etc., so it may seem a little rambly and incoherent at times. It was only later, when I discovered that what I was suffering from was Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) that I started to focus more on structured and coherent thoughts. What you will read here are my raw thoughts and feelings - and that is exactly what I am hoping to share.