We're all in the same boat...so I'd may as well be happy!

So now that the impulsive anxiety and panic have been addressed and managed, I would like to take a new direction, because I now realize the following: I’m normal and I’m just like everyone else! Everything I feel, fear, worry about, think about, and obsess about are things that the entire world worries about.

·         We are all going to die one day and we are all afraid of it

·         We all fear becoming seriously or terminally ill

·         We all fear losing a loved one

·         We all fear the possibility of a family member or a loved one becoming ill or dying

·         We all fear losing our jobs

·         We all have some type of emotional or physical condition that we have to live with. For some it’s a bad back, a bad neck, a bad knee, a chronic condition, allergy, syndrome, IBS, Chrons, physical deformity, high blood pressure, diabetes, and the list goes on. And if it’s not a physical issue, it’s an emotional issue such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders, OCD, etc. And if it’s not that, it could be addiction or substance abuse. And if not that, it could be financial hardships. And for many it’s a combination of a few of those. And that’s not even counting the terminal illnesses; I am only referring to the illnesses that people have to live with for their entire lives. And no one is immune to it. as happy as anyone seems, if you dig deep enough you will discover the physical or emotional pain and/or fear that the person lives with.

So we all either have something that we live and deal with, and we all have fears. So what’s the difference between one person and the next? No one had a perfect upbringing; no one has no emotional or physical pain; no one is safe from ever becoming seriously ill; no one is safe from death; no one is safe from ever losing a loved one. We are all imperfect and we are all just as vulnerable. But somehow, some people look happier than others; some are positive about life and some are negative about life; some are depressed and others are not. If we’re all in the same boat, then what’s the difference between the different outlooks various people have about life? All things even, I’d rather join the group of happy people who enjoy life, who live in the present, who see the good, who minimize the bad, and who choose to live until they die, to be healthy until they get sick, rather than to waste their entire lives dying a thousand deaths or worrying about an illness that never comes, or trying to protect themselves from a certain death, only to die in a completely unexpected way. If I’m in the same boat as the rest of the world, I’d may as well enjoy the ride and be happy!

Before exploring this further, I must say that another reality check is that now that it is established that everyone is dealing with the same things and are in the same boat, not everyone who looks happy and well-adjusted really is. Many people deal with their fears and emotional pain, anxiety and worry by either drinking alcohol, taking excessive prescription medications, and abusing illegal drugs, and many people simply hide their feelings and put on a happy face while they deal with their fears and anxieties inside. So even among the “happy” people class there are many who are not as happy as it may appear. This further narrows down the pool of happy people who really enjoy life despite all of the realities mentioned above.

That said, before continuing to work toward joining the happy people, I must first list my advantages going in, all of which I am extremely thankful for:

·         I am not addicted to any substances which would only complicate the underlying issue, so whatever the issues are, they are what they are and nothing more

·         I am not on any mood-altering medication or substance, so I can always know what I am really feeling and address it accurately. This allows me to:

o   Be spared any withdrawal/rebound symptoms

o   Know if what I’m doing is actually effective

o   Be able to proceed once something is dealt with, without having the additional issue problem of weaning off of meds

·         Thankfully, I don’t have any debilitating, chronic pain

·         Thankfully, I don’t have any debilitating emotional issues that would affect my ability to get through the day, function, and enjoy my family and my life.

·         Thankfully, I don’t have any serious illnesses

So that said, going in:

·         I am me as I am, under no influences whatsoever.

·         I don’t have any serious issues that need to be addressed.

·         Anything I do have, I’ve had before and it’s gone away.

·         The pain I do have, as bad as it is, is not life-altering or really debilitating.

·         The pain I have is not constant and I know the cause and eventual solution and management.

·         I know that the pain is not indicative of, nor is it likely to result in, anything serious.

·         I have learned to not allow the pain to result in an anxiety attack or to be blown out of proportion to what it really is.

·         I know that there is no one to call and nowhere to go – which at one point made me feel helpless, but now makes me feel empowered to figure out what it is, what the best way to manage and eliminate it is, and the best way to prevent it in the future.

Overmaginification of the negative and minimization of the positive

Here’s a brainstorm that hit me last night in bed. I was wondering what the point of life is if in one moment it could be turned upside down by death or illness. Why work so hard at a future when it’s going to end eventually, and we don’t know from minute to minute what the next second will bring. So why even bother?

 

 

Before even addressing the question, I first want to acknowledge two things that I know and accept upfront, whether I feel it or not:

·        My premise is wrong. Thousands of years of existence of the human race and billions of people today who are all living their lives and working hard to progress and advance and accomplish and who do not have this view. So the fact that the extreme majority of the population does not have this overly negative view of life and the world is proof positive that it is not the popular or truthful view.

·        My view is wrong. In fact, people who have this view are the ones who need therapy to change their view, not the other way around. A person with a positive outlook on life is considered healthy and happy, while people with a negative view on life that leads them to think negatively about things are the ones who need therapy and counseling to help them change their incorrect, false and inaccurate negative outlook.

·        My facts are wrong. Despite the sensationalism of disaster and tragedy, the fact remains that we live in the best of times, when death and disease are at their lowest levels in history, and disease, when it does occur is usually treatable or manageable. We also have the best preventive health tools available, have the best emergency response systems, the most advanced medical and rescue technology and unsurpassed safety standards in history. Of course, when tragedy or disaster does occur it is sensationalized, because good news doesn’t sell – only bad news. But our brains only absorb what they are fed. We read the news each day and see negativity and tragedy and horror. We hear of 5 bad news stories. But we don’t hear of the millions of non-horror stories that consist of neutral good stories (as if there is such thing, because even when things are ‘neutral’ they are miraculous), and the countless good news stories:

o   How many people are healthy?

o   How many people have jobs to go to?

o   How many people got married?

o   How many people got engaged?

o   How many people had babies?

o   How many people became pregnant?

o   How many people found new jobs?

o   How many people were released from hospitals?

o   How many people had minor illnesses that were easily treatable?

o   How many people were cured from serious illnesses?

o   How many illnesses were prevented?

o   How many people stopped their addictive behaviors?

o   How many people had a health concern, had a test and the test results were good?

o   How many people had a health concern, had a test and the test results were not as bad as feared and is easily treatable?

o   How many people drove to work and did not get into a car accident?

o   How many people did get into a car accident but it was minor and no one was injured?

o   How many people made a new friend?

o   How many people found a new opportunity in life?

o   How many enemies made peace?

o   How many people are happy?

o   How many children learned something new today?

o   How many children were provided with the tools needed to develop into healthy, well-adjusted adults?

o   And the list goes on, ad infinitum…

But those things don’t make news, which leaves our brains to see the relatively minor and statistically insignificant as the only facts, which results in….drumroll please….overmaginification of the negative, and minimization of the positive…when in fact the negative is the minority and the positive is the norm and the majority. But fed and overfed with exclusively negativity, the brain has no perspective…it needs a scale, a full, big picture, to enable it to keep the negative in a realistic perspective.

So going in, I already know what the truth is and that my perspective is grossly inaccurate. My goal is to internalize the truth that I know and accept, because although I may not feel the reality of the truth, is till know it as fact and am willing to work toward internalizing it. So we’re off to a pretty good start because there is no need to convince me of what the truth is, only to internalize it and live it.

The Core Issue: Health Anxiety and Hypochondria

Now here’s the next thing that needs to be written about, contemplated on, and then internalized and acted upon, because now that the extreme anxiety has subsided, this gets to the core issue that has plagued me my entire life and which initially started this entire episode in the first place. In order to learn to eliminate the anxiety, I need to get rid of the cause of the anxiety in the first place.

The anxiety I am referring to is health anxiety. The big pink elephant in the room. While dealing with the generalized anxiety that it caused, it went under the radar for some time, but it now needs to be addressed. Health anxiety and hypochondria is a tough one because no one can offer or guarantee certainty and no one is immune from health-related issues. The only thing that can be expected for a hypochondriac is that:

·        I learn about the true statistical possibilities (read: realistic unlikelihood) of the things I worry about actually happening

·        I see from historical patterns that what I worry about most never happens

·        I learn that I do not want, need, and can and do live without certainty

·        I learn that worrying about health will not help me prevent or cope with anything anyhow

·        I can learn to simply live in the present and appreciate and enjoy it, since the future is unpredictable and all we have is the present, so we’d may as well enjoy and live it

·        I can see aches and pains for what they are and not panic about or predict the worst. Most things are minor or temporary, and when/if in the unlikely situation something serious does ever happen, I will know without having to wonder and even then it is usually not that serious or is easily treatable

·        I can realize that everyone has to deal with some type of health-related issues since we are all human and imperfect, and the main thing is to appreciate that what I do have to deal with occasionally is not any more serious than it is and will resolve.

·        I can internalize and learn that reading or hearing about something does not have to result in psychosomatic, anxiety-caused symptoms, and it does not make it any more likely that the fact that I now know about it means that I am more likely to get it.

·        Most of all, I can learn to trust in G-d, thank him every day for the health that I, my family and my loved ones enjoyed until today and continue to enjoy today, and hope and pray that we will continue to enjoy it, and that everyone will continue to be enjoy good and even better health.

But first, we have to go over the progress so far:

·        I am no longer looking for problems

·        I am no longer panicking about things as much as I did

·        I am not running to specialists or doctors

·        I am waiting things out

·        I am looking for the causes of things

·        I am trying to figure out how to self-solve things

·        I am looking for the underlying anxiety that caused or resulted from whatever health concern I have and focusing on eliminating the anxiety

·        I am nor obsessing about pains or concerns

·        I am not driving others nuts about them

·        I am working on not letting other people’s issues affect or be internalized by me

·        I am not jumping to medications – even OTC meds – and instead trying relaxation and other techniques to relieve things that I know are fundamentally not serious

"Spot the anxiety"

Another amazing thing I’ve noticed is that, no matter what I’m feeling, what I need to do and realize is this:

• Always play “spot the anxiety”. What I mean by that, is that what ends up happening is that the symptoms of anxiety and the feelings and sensations caused by it seem to cycle and try to start a new bout of anxiety. The trick is to say, hey I’ve been through this before, been around the anxiety spiral, etc. and what did it come down to in the end? Just anxiety. So let’s skip all the wasted time and let’s identify the underlying anxiety and deal with that, and whatever the symptom is will evaporate once the anxiety that caused it is addressed.

• Regardless of the feeling itself, if as is usually the case, the cause is anxiety itself, then no matter how tempting or logical it may seem to address the feeling, sensation, issue, etc. being experienced at the time, the fact is and has always been that if it is caused by anxiety then it will self-resolve along with the anxiety itself. So the key is to go for the anxiety at the core. Now, sometimes, the way to go after the anxiety is to deal with the external issue such as the purpose of life, etc., but the key focus should always be to target the anxiety and see the symptom as just that – a symptom of anxiety and not an entity in and of itself. And somehow, although in many cases the feeling/symptom may go unaddressed, it somehow resolves itself along with the anxiety itself. Like any illness, once the underlying cause is addressed, the associated symptoms all subside together with it.

Self-improvement through my anxiety journey

Here’s one major thing that I’ve come to accept now that I’m able to see things more clearly and realistically. You see, one of the things that added to the feelings of anxiety and depression was the yearning for the good ol’ days, before all this, when I was happy and not anxious or worried. But now that I see things clearly, I see that there were no good ol’ days. Perhaps the anxiety was not out of control, but the days were not good. This is a more realistic picture of what they consisted of:

• Trouble falling asleep
• Difficulty falling back asleep once being awoken
• Panic and worry about every little ache, pain, mark, etc.
• Running to doctors and specialists
• Taking days and hours off of work for doctor visits and medical tests
• Worrying that I have a deadly illness
• Inability to relax physically
• Inability to relax mentally
• Not in touch with my own thoughts
• Afraid of quiet time; always drowning out silence with music or AC
• Spending time away from family due to unnecessary appointments
• Negative outlook on health and life
• Spending money on copays and medications
• Always self-examining for diseases
• Driving wife crazy with baseless health concerns
• Driving doctors crazy with baseless health concerns

So to wish for the days before the anxiety spiraled out of control is asking for all of that back. And I don’t want that back. That was a miserable experience and seems like it was good in retrospect only because it was “managed” by pursuing every single worry and anxiety by either obsessing endlessly about it, or by running to a doctor for reassurance. The reason why the anxiety seems more intense now is because, finally, I am not pursuing each anxiety and worry – and that’s what took the endless linear concerns and created a loop which was the intense anxiety at first. But now, I broke the endless loop and I am turning back the tide. As Steve Jobs put it, I am living and sleeping with the problem and, as painful as it may seem, ultimately I will have solved it and come out at the other end with a better “product” and solution.

So once it is established that there is no good old days to miss or yearn for, firstly that takes away a lot of the causes of additional anxiety and depression, it makes me happy that that person is gone forever, and it now focuses me on looking ahead at who I am becoming and who I will be, as opposed to looking back at what was. This is a great foundation for the future and sets the tone of where I go from here.

Another great thing about coming out on the other side of dealing with anxiety is that the person I am becoming is the real me. And the more me I am, the stronger and more authentic my relationships with others is and will be. And that leads me to the next aspect: the aura. You see, there is a vibe that people give off whether they know it or not, and whether or not they want to, that other can pick up on, whether they know it or not. This aura tells the world whether the person is having a good day or a bad day, is in a good mood or a bad mood, is approachable or needs to be backed away from or left alone.

As I am coming out of the anxiety and feeling more like myself but still not 100% there, I noticed something very strange. People are starting to approach me who never did, and are starting to say positive things to me out of the blue. I didn’t connect the dots, but when someone mentioned that a positive aura attracts people to the person, it all fell into place. Here are a few examples of things that have been happening lately:

• My wife came up to me out of the blue and said, “you look cute today. Whatever weight you are at right now is perfect for you; don’t lose any more. This is a great look for you.”

• I was walking in the street a few days ago when a friend of mine walked up to me and said, “hey, you’re looking good!”

• A day or so later, an employee who works for my company one day a week, came in to the office and, after 10 years of seeing me each week, she said, “wow, don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re looking great! Damn!”

• A few days earlier, I was sitting at a social event when the husband of one of my employees who has seen me week after week approached me and shook my hand and introduced himself as my employee’s husband.

• Then just this past Friday, a member of my shul whose marriage my wife and I helped arranged, someone who had seen me week after week and never approached me, suddenly approached me and had a kind word for me out of the blue.

And these are just the things I am consciously aware of and remember. It’s obvious, whether I am fully aware of or in touch with it, that I am exuding some type of a positive aura that is making it clear to others that I am a positive, confident and approachable person. In fact, when I was under extreme anxiety, although I did my utmost to conceal it and act normal, people were somewhat distant and backed off. My wife was also able to notice when something was off. But now, as I am emerging from my bout with severe generalized anxiety, the world is beginning to react by coming back to me and approaching me. Sometimes it takes an external opinion to show or at least verify what I feel is actually happening – that I am becoming a better, more confident person who is better liked by others, and whom others want to be around and associate with.

This is one of the reasons why many people need a therapist while they go through self-improvement – they need someone who can objectively monitor and inform them of their progress, because the person going through it can sometimes not be objective enough to see the progress they are making. Each setback can feel like it was all a waste and that nothing is working, or that things are getting worse, but a caring person who is one step away and is able to see things objectively can show the person how far they’ve actually come. It is for this reason that when relaxing with my thoughts each night, the first thing I do, regardless of how I feel at the time, is step outside of myself and look at my progress objectively so that I can go through the progress I have been making and see how today was better than yesterday, and this week was better than the week before despite the current things still in need of work or the temporary setback.

Overmagnification of the negative and minimalization of the positive

It’s a dreary, rainy Thursday, but I feel like I’m holding up pretty well. Staying positive and keeping worry and anxiety at bay. Then in comes a co-worker who is herself an anxiety ball. She proceeds to tell me about 2 people close to her who have serious illnesses and about the parent of a child she is servicing who has mental illness. I am about to spiral into an anxiety attack. But then I remind myself that:

• Between the time that she told me what she did and the present moment, nothing has changed for me so there is no reason for anxiety.

• What I can’t control is what she told me and the tragic circumstances the people she was talking about find themselves in, but what I can control is how that information affects me.

• Although she told me about three tragic situations, what she did not tell me was about the hundreds of non-tragic situations that she encountered within the same time period – the number of people who were healthy and sane and enjoying happy, healthy, successful lives. Unfortunately, it is only the relative few tragedies that are news while the countless non-tragedies are taken for granted and fall by the wayside. For every person suffering there are countless who are not, or whose suffering is relatively minimal. And within those people, there are countless unrecognized blessings that occur every single second of every day: each breath is a miracle, each time a person is able to use the bathroom is a miracle. When you stop for a second to think about the processes that take place from the moment a person takes a drink until the person urinates, it would be apparent that is a miracle each time a person urinates naturally and painlessly. The same goes for breath, digestion, and even the passive functions like a liver, pancreas, kidneys, etc. all operating painlessly and seamlessly with balance, harmony and perfection.

So instead of focusing on the few tragedies, I choose to focus on the countless blessings and the miracles I experience every moment that my body is functioning well and that my wife and children are healthy.

Having had the negative outlook on life that I am currently working and making progress on, I once asked the receptionist at my children’s pediatrician’s office how she was able to work there given the constant stream of tragic diagnoses and terrible stories that she must come across while working there. She answered that in all of her years working there most children have nothing more serious, than colds, the flu, strep, or other basic infections or viruses, and that anything more serious is rare and far between.

A negative outlook on life is a result of the overmagnification of the bad things in life and the minimalization of the good things. Of course this is an inaccurate outlook because it hyperfocuses on the relatively insignificant negative in the world and in life in general and practically ignores the abundant good.

A more accurate and realistic outlook would involve seeing things as they actually are and keeping things in perspective: Most people and most things in life are mostly good or excellent most or all of the time. Sure, there are bad things in life, but it is rare, and when it does occur it is usually minor or treatable or manageable. And the extremely significant problems are even more rare and in many cases are inapplicable since they are not genetically likely, I do not smoke, I am of a healthy weight, and I do not abuse drugs or alcohol. Past that, it’s all in God’s hands. Sure there will be aches, pains and discomforts from time to time, but that’s part of being human. They are usually a result of anxiety, lack of sleep, bad diet etc.

So the key is to look at the good that’s happening at every moment, keep the bad news in perspective to all the untold miracles, see any aches and pains for what they are and be thankful they are not more serious or indicative of any serious underlying condition, and take whatever steps I can to try to alleviate even those.

Also, again, let’s look at patterns: Anything I’ve heard or am experiencing now are things that I’ve already heard before or experienced in the past, and what happened?? Nothing! Again and again, I’ve experienced this and that, read about this and that, or heard about this and that bad thing…spiraled into anxiety…thought this and that negative thought….but based on the consistent pattern, what ended up happening? Nothing. The condition resolved itself. Or just nothing happened to me based on it. Or even the person who the bad news was about is okay now themselves. So looking at patterns, there is no reason to have any anxious reaction to anything negative, knowing for a proven fact that what I read or heard about is in no way associated with me, is rare in the big picture, and anxiety is unhelpful anyway and is just circular and prevents me from seeing what is happening that is good in my life: no serious illnesses, no major debilitating pains, my wife and children are healthy and happy, etc., not to mention the moment-by-moment miracles that come with every breath and every moment without pain or discomfort and in which all internal organs are working seamlessly. I choose to see things for what they are and realistically: bad news is just that – bad news – nothing happened or is more likely to happen to me personally because I heard or read about something bad. Whatever I do feel that is painful or bad is already established as not being serious and history has shown it will resolve itself with time and subsiding of anxiety, and there are countless people who are healthy and happy at every moment and whose problems are minor in the big picture, and there are miracles each moment – including this one, as I type, my fingers are working well, my wrists and fingers are pain-free, my entire body is generally pain free, I can walk, talk, see , smell, taste, touch, digest, purify toxins, fight infection and illness, and the list goes on and on. Again, it comes down to one simple thing: not imagination or pretend, rather seeing things AS THEY REALLY ARE! Being present and aware of what is going on and enjoying it. And when something bad does happen, seeing it for what it is: rare and not associated with me as an independent person, and that hearing about it does not increase the likelihood of it happening to me, and that most things, even painful, are not serious or anxiety-worthy – in fact, decreasing anxiety levels is what will most likely help.

My life is only as good as my worst fear

Since it all comes down to beliefs and resulting emotional and behavioral reactions and responses, I have been trying to determine what belief or beliefs I am holding onto that is/are resulting in the never-ending barrage of triggers and resulting worry. There is the obvious belief system that I’ve described in which the brain believes that worry is helpful, harmful and unstoppable. But I believe (no pun intended) that I have an additional belief that causes the continual behavior of fear, concern, worry and anxiety. That is because my pattern over the years clearly shows that as soon as one thing ends the next worry begins. After contemplating this for some time, I came up with the following: (This is why a therapist is not what I need, because only I myself would be able to reach these conclusions, no one else).

• I found that I only worried about my worst concern at the time. Meaning that as valid as all my worries always seemed, I only focused on the single, most serious one. And that’s when I realized that “my life is only as bad as my worst fear at the time”. For example, when I would worry about a certain pain being indicative of a certain illness, then nothing else would seem important to me enough to upset or frustrate me. I was creating a protective barrier against daily life and normal problems by creating one major concern which would result in making all other concerns relatively insignificant. But that’s not healthy as I clearly know, and it’s not productive, because life is messy and unpleasant at times, and avoidance is not the way to go. So creating a false issue to avoid the real issues does not help anyone and only makes me more distressed about the serious issue that I conjured up at the time. In fact, as my anxiety goes down, I noticed the real issues of life becoming more into focus and prominent. And that’s the way it should be. Standing in the rain and getting soaked because the kids’ bus is late should be frustrating and annoying. The stress of planning the kids’ birthdays and other events should be acutely felt and addressed. Life is real and it isn’t always smooth, but it can’t definitely not be pushed under the rug and avoided. That’s why I have an aversion to drugs and alcohol, because I see them as attempts to avoid dealing with what is really happening and that’s something I would never do, because avoiding the truth does not make it go away. It may make you numb to the reality, but it does not make it any better. In fact it makes the unaddressed reality worse and the drugs and alcohol comes with the side effects related to health, family, careers and relationships.

• I discovered that I have a belief, perhaps based on patterns during childhood and adolescents, that there has to always be a problem at all times, and that once one problem is resolved, the next one needs to start right away. Like a person with an anger problem who is always angry at someone without interruption, possibly due to a belief that there is always someone who is doing something to upset them, I have a belief that there has to always be something bad happening or about to happen. But the reality is the opposite as the insurance industry will confirm and as I saw in a news report just yesterday: Most people are okay most of the time, and when things are not okay they are usually minor. And when things are more serious which is statistically extremely rare (despite as it may appear as will be addressed in the next entry) they are usually resolvable or manageable. That is why insurance companies are willing to stake their entire companies on the statistical likelihood that most young people won’t die or get sick, and that if they do become sick it will be rare and when it does happen it will most likely be a non-serious event. The entire industry is based on that and billions of dollars are staked on that fact.

So my brain needs to change its beliefs to be more in line with reality as known from the extensive and exhaustive research conducted over years and being conducted daily by the insurance industry the world over, that:

• Bad things do not happen on a continual basis

• Bad things happen rarely

• Bad things are usually not serious even when they do occur

• Most people are mostly healthy most of the time

Additionally:

• Worrying about the unlikely, rare scenario where something bad does happen is not going to help in any way to avoid, prevent, minimize or cope with it

• Since most things we worry about never happen, worrying ends up being a waste of time and mental energy since what was being worried about doesn’t end up happening anyway

• Worrying about what could (and most likely won’t) happen, keeps you from enjoying what is truly happening, and that’s not good at all. So it’s time to see what is happening, enjoy that, because that is an action that could be practically taken, and stop worrying about things that are not happening and which are unlikely to happen, since there is nothing to do now because it’s not happening right now, and there is nothing to be done to prevent it from happening anyway in the rare event that it would happen.