Since it all comes down to beliefs and resulting emotional and behavioral reactions and responses, I have been trying to determine what belief or beliefs I am holding onto that is/are resulting in the never-ending barrage of triggers and resulting worry. There is the obvious belief system that I’ve described in which the brain believes that worry is helpful, harmful and unstoppable. But I believe (no pun intended) that I have an additional belief that causes the continual behavior of fear, concern, worry and anxiety. That is because my pattern over the years clearly shows that as soon as one thing ends the next worry begins. After contemplating this for some time, I came up with the following: (This is why a therapist is not what I need, because only I myself would be able to reach these conclusions, no one else).
• I found that I only worried about my worst concern at the time. Meaning that as valid as all my worries always seemed, I only focused on the single, most serious one. And that’s when I realized that “my life is only as bad as my worst fear at the time”. For example, when I would worry about a certain pain being indicative of a certain illness, then nothing else would seem important to me enough to upset or frustrate me. I was creating a protective barrier against daily life and normal problems by creating one major concern which would result in making all other concerns relatively insignificant. But that’s not healthy as I clearly know, and it’s not productive, because life is messy and unpleasant at times, and avoidance is not the way to go. So creating a false issue to avoid the real issues does not help anyone and only makes me more distressed about the serious issue that I conjured up at the time. In fact, as my anxiety goes down, I noticed the real issues of life becoming more into focus and prominent. And that’s the way it should be. Standing in the rain and getting soaked because the kids’ bus is late should be frustrating and annoying. The stress of planning the kids’ birthdays and other events should be acutely felt and addressed. Life is real and it isn’t always smooth, but it can’t definitely not be pushed under the rug and avoided. That’s why I have an aversion to drugs and alcohol, because I see them as attempts to avoid dealing with what is really happening and that’s something I would never do, because avoiding the truth does not make it go away. It may make you numb to the reality, but it does not make it any better. In fact it makes the unaddressed reality worse and the drugs and alcohol comes with the side effects related to health, family, careers and relationships.
• I discovered that I have a belief, perhaps based on patterns during childhood and adolescents, that there has to always be a problem at all times, and that once one problem is resolved, the next one needs to start right away. Like a person with an anger problem who is always angry at someone without interruption, possibly due to a belief that there is always someone who is doing something to upset them, I have a belief that there has to always be something bad happening or about to happen. But the reality is the opposite as the insurance industry will confirm and as I saw in a news report just yesterday: Most people are okay most of the time, and when things are not okay they are usually minor. And when things are more serious which is statistically extremely rare (despite as it may appear as will be addressed in the next entry) they are usually resolvable or manageable. That is why insurance companies are willing to stake their entire companies on the statistical likelihood that most young people won’t die or get sick, and that if they do become sick it will be rare and when it does happen it will most likely be a non-serious event. The entire industry is based on that and billions of dollars are staked on that fact.
So my brain needs to change its beliefs to be more in line with reality as known from the extensive and exhaustive research conducted over years and being conducted daily by the insurance industry the world over, that:
• Bad things do not happen on a continual basis
• Bad things happen rarely
• Bad things are usually not serious even when they do occur
• Most people are mostly healthy most of the time
Additionally:
• Worrying about the unlikely, rare scenario where something bad does happen is not going to help in any way to avoid, prevent, minimize or cope with it
• Since most things we worry about never happen, worrying ends up being a waste of time and mental energy since what was being worried about doesn’t end up happening anyway
• Worrying about what could (and most likely won’t) happen, keeps you from enjoying what is truly happening, and that’s not good at all. So it’s time to see what is happening, enjoy that, because that is an action that could be practically taken, and stop worrying about things that are not happening and which are unlikely to happen, since there is nothing to do now because it’s not happening right now, and there is nothing to be done to prevent it from happening anyway in the rare event that it would happen.
• I found that I only worried about my worst concern at the time. Meaning that as valid as all my worries always seemed, I only focused on the single, most serious one. And that’s when I realized that “my life is only as bad as my worst fear at the time”. For example, when I would worry about a certain pain being indicative of a certain illness, then nothing else would seem important to me enough to upset or frustrate me. I was creating a protective barrier against daily life and normal problems by creating one major concern which would result in making all other concerns relatively insignificant. But that’s not healthy as I clearly know, and it’s not productive, because life is messy and unpleasant at times, and avoidance is not the way to go. So creating a false issue to avoid the real issues does not help anyone and only makes me more distressed about the serious issue that I conjured up at the time. In fact, as my anxiety goes down, I noticed the real issues of life becoming more into focus and prominent. And that’s the way it should be. Standing in the rain and getting soaked because the kids’ bus is late should be frustrating and annoying. The stress of planning the kids’ birthdays and other events should be acutely felt and addressed. Life is real and it isn’t always smooth, but it can’t definitely not be pushed under the rug and avoided. That’s why I have an aversion to drugs and alcohol, because I see them as attempts to avoid dealing with what is really happening and that’s something I would never do, because avoiding the truth does not make it go away. It may make you numb to the reality, but it does not make it any better. In fact it makes the unaddressed reality worse and the drugs and alcohol comes with the side effects related to health, family, careers and relationships.
• I discovered that I have a belief, perhaps based on patterns during childhood and adolescents, that there has to always be a problem at all times, and that once one problem is resolved, the next one needs to start right away. Like a person with an anger problem who is always angry at someone without interruption, possibly due to a belief that there is always someone who is doing something to upset them, I have a belief that there has to always be something bad happening or about to happen. But the reality is the opposite as the insurance industry will confirm and as I saw in a news report just yesterday: Most people are okay most of the time, and when things are not okay they are usually minor. And when things are more serious which is statistically extremely rare (despite as it may appear as will be addressed in the next entry) they are usually resolvable or manageable. That is why insurance companies are willing to stake their entire companies on the statistical likelihood that most young people won’t die or get sick, and that if they do become sick it will be rare and when it does happen it will most likely be a non-serious event. The entire industry is based on that and billions of dollars are staked on that fact.
So my brain needs to change its beliefs to be more in line with reality as known from the extensive and exhaustive research conducted over years and being conducted daily by the insurance industry the world over, that:
• Bad things do not happen on a continual basis
• Bad things happen rarely
• Bad things are usually not serious even when they do occur
• Most people are mostly healthy most of the time
Additionally:
• Worrying about the unlikely, rare scenario where something bad does happen is not going to help in any way to avoid, prevent, minimize or cope with it
• Since most things we worry about never happen, worrying ends up being a waste of time and mental energy since what was being worried about doesn’t end up happening anyway
• Worrying about what could (and most likely won’t) happen, keeps you from enjoying what is truly happening, and that’s not good at all. So it’s time to see what is happening, enjoy that, because that is an action that could be practically taken, and stop worrying about things that are not happening and which are unlikely to happen, since there is nothing to do now because it’s not happening right now, and there is nothing to be done to prevent it from happening anyway in the rare event that it would happen.
"I discovered that I have a belief, perhaps based on patterns during childhood and adolescents, that there has to always be a problem at all times, and that once one problem is resolved, the next one needs to start right away."
ReplyDeleteTHIS. So hard. I don't know if it has to do with a specifically religious upbringing in my case, but I had the whole "hell will rain down on you" at your every misstep and of course the idea that "this world doesn't matter, it's the next one that matters" so I was always waiting for that other shoe to drop considering this life being a "veil of tears." With messages like that going into my then very young brain, no wonder I've grown into the woman I am. I hear ya, sister.
I mean brother!:) sorry:)
ReplyDeleteHi, your comment hits the nail on the head about something I am currently dealing with! But I found a way out. You can email me for more details, but in short, it involves looking at what other religions tell people to be afraid of and consider sinful, and realize that whatever you fear based on religion is based on conditioning. As yourself:
ReplyDelete1) Am I afraid of what that other religion teaches their followers to fear?
2) Would I still be afraid of these things if I was brought up in a different religion or with no religion?
3) Would I be afraid if I was never told by my parents that these are sins and what the punishments are?
This is not to say that you need to drop religion altogether. What it means is that you need to drop the religion you are keeping out of your "delusion of sin and guilt" (google it), and then rebuild your relationship with God out of love.