Back at square one minus the after-effects

Welcome to normal. You see, now my brain is really starting up with me. It’s doing what I always did as a child; it’s prodding and instigating. I wake up in the morning feeling great after an amazing night’s sleep for which I have to pat myself on the back.

Aside about sleep:

Sleep was something that I struggled with for years prior to going into my current battle with anxiety, and now when it should seemingly be harder than ever, I have been able to relax myself enough to fall asleep without a single sleeping aid, I have been able to stay asleep for extended periods of time, fall back asleep when I do wake up in middle of the night, and go back to sleep even in the morning light! I used to toss and turn unable to sleep, I used to need background noise to fall asleep or a radio on, and now I am able to relax, breathe, calm my mind, gather my thoughts, think to myself, and fall asleep, back asleep, stay asleep, and have normal and pleasant dreams. And all this is with the worst anxiety and emotional and mental distress I have ever had in my life. Now that shows what I am capable of and I should be very proud of that! My entire life until this entire episode was a blur of background noise and distractions, followed by the inability to deal with silence and listen to my own thoughts, all in an attempt to keep me from stopping for a second and thinking. The anxiety and my journey through it has taught me to stop, calm down, relax, listen to my thoughts, talk to them, tell them what is really happening around me, and disprove any of its preconceived notions about life and reality. Now I listen and talk to my thoughts all day, never once attempting to silence, avoid, suppress, or drown them out. I am in touch with my thoughts, my consciousness and my awareness – that’s me – the me I’ve been searching for and trying to identify. I have also learned to de-stress each day when my wife is exercising or with a client, by turning off the TV and lights, taking some deep breaths, gathering my thoughts, listening to them, addressing them, talking to them, and challenging them when necessary. I go through my day and realize what I accomplished that day and how much I contributed to myself, my family, and the world. I implant into my subconscious true and positive beliefs and facts about myself and the world, which in turn helps change my reactions to things. And I am most proud of myself because I made the decision to do all of this without the help of a medication or therapist. Not that I’m better than anyone else, but knowing myself, medication would not help me and would only make me more anxious as I think about the side effects and after effects, but mostly because there isn’t a pill in the world that will make my anxiety go away. I am anxious for a reason, and all that the medication may do – and experience has shown that it won’t – is remove the symptoms of anxiety and perhaps make me drowsy, that’s all. I don’t want only the symptoms to go away, nor do I want to not be in control of myself. I do not want any side effects, nor do I want to become tolerant and need more and more medications and higher doses, and then become an addict as the medications begin to become less effective, as daily news stories continue to show, the rate of prescription and overdoses of prescription painkillers and muscle relaxants is increasing at staggering rates. Anxiety and worry never killed anyone. It was the medications or alcohol that the individual took that killed them. And that’s not the path I want or am going to take. I have two choices: either take medication to deal with only the symptoms of anxiety, and then have the side effects of the medication, the escalation of medication dependency, the health effects and possible death resulting from the medications, plus the strong possibility of losing my wife, my children, my job, etc. as I would begin to be under the influence of medications and progress down that path. And it’s not like I can take a medication that would just help for the long term, because it’s my mind and thoughts that I’m dealing with and nothing will turn off my mind. Nothing. But what I can do is control my thoughts. Gather my thoughts. Listen to my thoughts. Be in touch with my thoughts. Challenge my thoughts when they are not accurate. Input new, accurate, positive thoughts into my subconscious in order to replace the wrong, inaccurate or avoided thoughts that filled it before all of this. And the side effect of that? Actually tackling the underlying anxiety, beliefs, and thought processes. Now perhaps I may never fully tackle it, you may say, but remember that with medications, alcohol, drugs, etc. I’m still not even tackling them and I’m not even trying to! And then there are the side effects that have landed many people in hospitals, jails, or coffins. When tackling the thoughts themselves, there are no negative side effects whatsoever, and there is are many possible and likely positive side effects, like actually dealing with the core issue. So do I choose to drown out the thoughts, deal with the devastating aftereffects and still never get to the bottom of the issue, or do I tackle the underlying issue, have no negative side effects, have many immediate and future positive side effects, and perhaps even deal with the issue and move on as a better person who knows and understands myself better than ever and is more realistic, mature and mentally stable to raise my family? Hmm, it’s a no-brainer, forgive the pun. So that’s why I pat myself on the back. Because I made the difficult but mature decision that as long as I could function and get through the day, take care of my responsibilities to my family, my job, myself, my community, etc., that I would tackle the rest mentally and emotionally and without any cop-outs, I can give myself a lot of credit. Who’s me? Who am I? I asked myself not too long ago. I am the one who made the conscious decision to get in touch with myself, and I am the myself with whom I am getting in touch. I am the one who gets through the day each day and tackles the thoughts that are mine as well. I am the one who makes the conscious effort daily to care for my wife and children, control my thoughts and actions, try to see the reality of things, and give my children the tools and values to help them grow into emotionally stable people. In fact, just yesterday, AOL/Huffpost published a story about ex-SNL star Darryl Hammond who just came out with a new book in which he reveals that he had a very dark side. Due to a horrible childhood, he was having emotional distress and disturbing thoughts. He turned to cutting, painkillers, and eventually to hard illegal drugs, living in crack houses, and then had all of the effects that come with that: hospitalization, family issues, work issues, legal issues, etc. Lucky for him he never got into real trouble with the law and is still alive to tell his story, but many are not as fortunate. So he finally went to rehab, had a relapse, went to rehab again, now has countless physical and health effects – oh, and the kicker – with all the wasted years, money, and the lifelong effects that he is now left with – he did nothing to even attempt to address his thoughts, anxieties, etc. So now, after all of the hell and the rehab, and the recovery addiction which is essentially lifelong, he also still has to deal with the core issue that started this craziness in the first place! So here I am, dealing with a less intense circumstance but horrifying and distressful nonetheless, but I get to have the objectivity to see myself through it, hold onto my life, my family, my job and my health. And just like he ended up back at square one, so am I, only without the lifelong effects that he will now have to struggle with. Bravo! I honestly did not ever know how strong I was, but now I am starting to get a glimpse of it. Of me. Of I.

Then I remember that my brain has been playing games with me for reasons that I will go into in a moment. Then I begin to purposely hyper-focus, purposely mix up information and images in my head in order to freak myself out and say, “You see? You are crazy!” But of course, I do nothing out of the ordinary in actuality because I am not losing it. So to the outside world everything is normal and ordinary. But in my head, it’s crazy at times.

So let’s analyze what is happening and what is not happening, and then I will analyze the causes of what’s happening. It will show that what’s happening is essentially nothing, the consequences are nothing, and the causes are nothing. It’s nothing with nothing.

Drill, baby, drill!

Now, here’s something important to look at:

If the last two weeks and even months, when looked at by someone outside of my head, were typical, if not amazing, then that it is the fact: it was all good. Any turmoil was limited to my own brain. Hmm, so that means that life was and is great, yet in my own mind there was unwarranted and unrealistic fear and worry. That worry made me enjoy the reality a lot less than I would have had I been less in my own head and more involved in what was actually happening. Now, had my mind been in synch with the reality which was in fact great, I would have enjoyed it a lot more and most likely others would have as well. So what I’m asking of my brain and mind is to see the actual reality for what it really is and to just get with the program. Realize that everything has always turned out good, things are good right now, and things will be good in the future as well. And any fears or negative thoughts are just worries and not actuality or reality. Worries may appear real but we know for a fact based on the facts and extensive past experience that they are nothing other than worries that are not happening and which will never happen. That said, let’s let go of the fake worries and let’s focus on the actual reality.

And here’s an important advantage: Many people do really have realistic negativity in their lives as well as realistic worries. In their case, they still have to challenge their worries because as likely as they are to happen, they are still inactionable thoughts and worries that are not taking place at the time, and which may never actually happen, regardless of how likely. In my case, I do not need to look past real negativity or actual likely negative outcomes because there are none! I simply need to let go of the worry instinct and habit and get with the actuality and reality which is good! On top of all that, since I did not turn to anything that would compound the worry problem such as alcohol, illegal drugs, prescription drugs, etc. I don’t have anything other than the worry itself to get rid of! Isn’t that amazing?? I don’t have to see through any real problems, I don’t have to overcome any addictions, I didn’t let the worry stop me from doing anything at all, so there’s no harm done to my family life and job as a result, and I have plenty of positive things to turn to – so everything is the same, everything is amazing, I know that the feeling is one of worry and fear, I know that the fears have never actualized, I know that none of the fears are real at the present time, and I know why I am prone to worry, I know how to address the worries, I have seen success in tackling my fears, and I am chipping away at the general tendency to see or expect negativity. And the best part is that the subconscious brain is seeing a pattern: none of the fears and worries have ever actualized, none are actual at the moment, and as a result, it can deduce that none are likely to ever happen. So now Mr. Worry is left hanging out to dry, naked and exposed. It creates its own symptoms resulting from lack of focus and distraction and then points to them as “proof” that the worry is true. Oh, and it’s so pathetic, that it points to events that in the end were never even real and where I actually did the right and smart thing, and uses them to scare me. The scare itself triggers the panic even though the trigger was false to begin with. But I’ve got its number because I know that:

• There is nothing real to worry about

• The “evidence” to support the worry is either false, normal, or caused by the worry itself

• The worry has been proven false time and time again, and all past experience show them to be 100% false

• There is a ton of positive all around me that it’s trying to keep me from

So now we’re down to a problem with “worrying” itself – no other problems! The “proofs” are normal, false scares, or self-caused. So, knowing that it’s just worry and no real problems, the worry is on its own with no life support. Baseless worry. So why do I hold on to worry if it’s been proven baseless time and time again? Although my conscious brain is fully aware, perhaps my subconscious has not yet completely given up on the false belief that worry is:

• The most unlikely scenarios that have never actualized

• The most unlikely scenarios that will never actualize

• Unhelpful, useless, unbeneficial thoughts that will not and have never helped prepare for, prevent, or cope with a negative scenario

• Disruptive and distressing

• Controllable and stoppable

• Hurting me my preventing me from enjoying the joys of the great life I was granted

The brain only holds onto behaviors that it believes are helpful and beneficial. By the subconscious brain changing its beliefs about worry – and that’s all it is, worry – it will let go of that behavior because it will then know that it is not helpful or beneficial, and most of all that it is not even necessary or based in any fact. It only needs to look at the patterns of events to see that only positive has and will happen despite the worry, as realistic as it may have appeared at the time, and it will see that the worry never helped with anything and it only caused useless emotional distress. So that said, the brain which acts on instinct and self-preservation will let go of the underlying worry impulse, seeing that it was never necessary, is not needed, is unhelpful, has never been helpful, and can be easily stopped once it is clear that it is not needed and unwarranted. It also has the benefit of plenty of actuality to focus on, to distract itself from thinking too much about what isn’t happening. So all the facts, past historical proof and patterns, tools and knowledge are in place, the worry was isolated, and now it’s down to the impulse to worry for no reason at all. Now, the subconscious needs to continue to be drilled and flooded with this information until it changes its emotional and physical behavioral reactions, as a result of its cognitive modification about worry. It is happening and will continue to happen. Drill, baby, drill!

Challenging my false belief systems

To that end, this is what I have accomplished and will continue to reinforce:

1. I will not avoid exposure to the misfortunes of others, since avoidance does not solve anything and can actually reinforce the fear

2. I recognize that I react emotionally to the misfortunes of others in a manner that is beyond one individual sympathizing for another, but to the point where I actually internalize their misfortune and truly believe that I have, may have, or may one day have the same problem as them

3. I recognize that it is not a hard-wired reaction, but that it stems from a false belief system

4. I recognize that the false belief system is that if I sympathize enough and internalize their tragedy, I can either help them or prevent myself from having the same problem. I recognize that the false belief system involves fallacies related to hypochondria (if I know of an illness I am likely to get it myself or should try to avoid or prevent it; worrying about illnesses will help me prevent them, catch them earlier, or make me more able to cope if I do get them) and paranoia (thinking that if it’s bad and it’s out there, it’s likely to happen to me).

I challenge those belief systems, by knowing, understanding and reinforcing the facts that:

1. Sympathizing with other people’s tragedies does not help them at all

2. In fact, staying above and separate from their tragedy is more helpful. If every doctor would think they have what the patient has, they would have difficulty remaining separate enough to treat the patient, or if every firefighter would run into a burning building without safety equipment and a rescue plan, who will save the victims? A person needs to see other people’s problems as being the problems of the other person, and needs to care but not personalize and internalize it so that they can maintain their status as separate from the person with the problem, thus enabling them to help.

3. Knowing or hearing of a problem that someone else has does not make it any more likely that I will have that problem

4. Worrying that I may get the same issue that someone else has will not make me more able to prevent or cope with it if it does

5. Every time I did overly sympathize and internalize someone else’s illness, it never actualized and in many cases what their issue was not even applicable to me as a male, etc.

6. The people to whose misfortunes I’ve internalized throughout my life have been

i. Not me (exactly that: individuals other than me who should not be compared to me)

ii. Vastly different from me (unable to understand the trauma they experienced or see themselves objectively, etc.)

iii. Under extremely different circumstances from mine (victims of sexual abuse, extreme violence, war, tribal conflict, live in different parts of the world, etc.)

 I am adopting a healthy belief system that includes:

1. I am me. I am not anyone else and no one else is me. What happens to me applies to me and to me alone. What happens to others applies to the others alone. What happens to me does not apply to others. What happens to others does not apply to me. I am me and my life and experiences are my own. Others are just that – others – and their experiences apply to them alone. This includes TV commercials and movies portraying others as having illnesses, tragedies or painful conditions.

2. Overly sympathizing with or internalizing the tragedies or misfortunes of others does not help them at all with whatever they are experiencing

3. Overly sympathizing with or internalizing the tragedies or misfortunes of others inhibits my ability to remain separate from the other person’s problems, making it difficult to assist them if I can

4. Overly sympathizing with or internalizing the tragedies or misfortunes of others makes me miserable for no reason since it makes me worry, wonder, or experience something that I don’t actually have

5. Hearing about another’s misfortune does not make it any more likely that I too have or will experience their misfortune

6. Most misfortunes that I have been or will be exposed to in my lifetime are not applicable to me, or will never occur to me

7. I am a person who enjoys helping others and in order to do so I need to see others as others and myself as myself.

With the old, incorrect belief system debunked and my new belief system in place, I will begin to behave and react emotionally in accordance with my new and accurate belief system:

1. I will be able to observe myself as me – an individual, unique person with my own set of life experience, history and circumstances

2. I will be able to observe people and events as separate from me and inapplicable to me

3. I will sympathize for others by caring but not internalizing or personalizing their misfortunes

4. I will not fear that I am more likely to be a victim of the same misfortune that I am exposed to

5. I will realize that most other people’s circumstances are not applicable or relatable to me

6. I will assist others when I can as an individual who is completely separate, independent, different, and other than the person I am helping who understands and feels for what they are experiencing but who am not myself experiencing it, nor do I fear that I may have now or in the future whatever it is the other person is dealing with.

I will then proceed to know who I am:

1. A healthy

2. Strong

3. Determined

4. Accomplished

5. Ambitious

6. Mentally stable

7. Well-established

8. Intelligent

9. Great father

10. Great husband

11. Member of a great community

12. Whose children attend schools in the community

14. Active, participating and contributing member of my community

15. Great neighbor

16. Good friend

17. Good confidant

18. Helping hand when needed and wanted

19. Always happy and cheerful

20. Put together

21. Gainfully employed

22. Great employee

23. Great employer

24. Who established, runs and grows a great company

25. Respected by neighbors, colleagues, co-workers, community members, friends, etc.

26. Who has and enjoys a great life, relationships, living conditions, working conditions, etc. that I created and maintain.

27. Is a great sibling who is looked up to

I am not anyone else

Now, before I could believe in myself, I have to know who I am. But first and foremost, I need to know who I am not:

• I am not anyone else

• Everyone is different, individual and unique

• What applies to everyone else does not apply to me

• Someone else’s misfortune, tragedy, illness is not mine.

• Despite my conditioning in childhood, I am not benefitting others by sympathizing and taking on their misfortunes

• I am not benefitting myself by applying the misfortune of others to myself.

• I cannot avoid the misfortunes of others because avoidance is not helpful

• I need to learn to view the misfortunes or fortunes of others as an outsider – separate from them.

• Just as others are not me, I am not others.

Think about a doctor in a hospital. The doctor is conditioned to see himself as separate from his patients. If doctors would behave like I do emotionally, they would always be applying all of their patients’ illnesses to themselves and wonder if they themselves have the problems that their patients have. Similarly and possibly more intensely, a psychotherapist cannot engage with patients with severe mental illnesses and start to wonder if they too are going crazy, hearing voices, bipolar, schizophrenic, etc. Therapists need to see themselves as individuals unto themselves who went to school and obtained a degree in mental health. This independent individual, licensed to treat individuals with mental illness now opens a practice or works in a facility where s/he listens to patients who are separate people with their individual issues. The therapist speaks with them. The therapist diagnoses the patient. And the therapist treats the patient. The therapist does not become the patient or think that they may have the same issue as the patient.

Think about the therapist I called, the psychiatrist I contacted, or the neurologist I consulted with and visited. They see patients all day and hear about and get deeply involved in their issues. But they do not become intimate or personal with their issues. They understand the roles: I am me, the doctor, and you are you, the patient. You can tell me all about what you are experiencing and feeling and I will listen to your story and tell you want I think you can do to change the way you think, feel and behave.

I have a problem where my sympathetic portion of my brain is overly sensitized to things it perceives. That, coupled with paranoia and hypochondria, and you have an individual who is so overly sympathetic that every tragedy or illness triggers sympathy and personalization of the other person’s tragedy. One night I’m listening to a news story about mental health issues resulting from years of war in Liberia and thinking that the severe mental illnesses resulting from the extreme trauma the people there incurred applies to me, and the next morning I’m reading the transcript of Michael Jackson’s last words, and thinking that I have the same mental disorder that he had and that ultimately resulted in his early death.

The common denominator is that in both cases:

• I am applying things that happened to others to myself

• The individuals to whom I am comparing myself are extremely, beyond the ability to contrast, different from me

• The individuals to whom I am comparing myself have endured trauma that is extremely, beyond the ability to contrast, different from me

• The individuals whose issues I am “adopting” are extremely, beyond the ability to contrast, different from each other

• The individuals whose issues I am “adopting” don’t benefit from me internalizing their tragedy

• The individuals whose issues I am “adopting” do not want me to internalize their tragedy

• The individuals whose issues I am “adopting” would never care enough about me to internalize my tragedies

This is not a hardwire issue as described earlier. It is a learned behavior. I got it from my father who conditioned me to believe that if you have enough worry, sympathy and pain for someone else, you may actually be able to help them or make their problems easier to handle.

The problem is, that it’s not true. In fact, it’s the furthest thing from the truth. And since it’s not true, it needs to be changed. And the way to change the behavior of internalizing and reacting emotionally to the tragedies of others is to:

• Recognize and acknowledge the behavior or emotional reaction

• Recognize that it stems from a false belief system

• Recognize what the false belief system

• Challenge the false belief system to prove that it is in fact false

• Adopt a healthy belief system

• Begin to react behaviorally and emotionally based on the true belief system.

No action to be taken

Interestingly, my wife just emailed a link to an article saying that a 25-year-old actress is in therapy for a panic and anxiety disorder. In her case, she described her fear as:

“I think too much and overanalyze things. I'll start worrying about my parents or my dog, and I'll picture him opening the window of my apartment and falling out, even though I can't get that thing open myself."

In her case, she becomes anxious and panicky about the fear that her dog may open and leap out of the window. Now, if it were a true concern or a real possibility, she would go home and ensure that the windows are bolted shut or dog-proofed, or she would have someone watch or check on her dog. But because it is not a realistic fear, she does not take any action. This perception of danger with nothing to do about it result in panic and anxiety as the brain feels trapped, thinking that something is or may go terribly wrong and there is nothing I can do about it. But the reality is that there is nothing wrong or that may realistically go terribly wrong, and that’s the very reason she is taking no action. And, that if there were in fact an actual or possible danger, there are actions to be taken and she would take action. The brain is confusing the lack of action actually being taken (due to the reality that there is no danger and therefore no action to take), with the lack of action to be taken (in the event of a true emergency).

So to get at the core, I need to look past all the symptoms and the lack of action being taken and to realize at the core that there is in fact nothing wrong, and therefore no action to be taken, and as a result, no action is being taken. It is all imagination, what-if, worst-case scenario prediction and fortune telling, and not actual or factual. And there is no action to be taken for an imaginary what-if. And that’s why no action is being taken.

So let’s roll it back:

• I am not taking an action

• Because there is no action to be taken

• Because there is no actual situation to react to

• Because the danger is in my imagination

• And my imagination is causing me to be anxious

• Which is causing symptoms that reinforce my imaginary fears

• And since the symptoms are a result of anxiety

• And the anxiety is a result of an imaginary fear

• And the imaginary fear is not real or realistic

• There is no reason for anxiety

• And there is no point in focusing on imaginary situations

• And instead I should be focusing on the reality

• And reacting to it physically and emotionally

• All the time, knowing that if there were ever a true and actual situation, there is action to be taken and I would take it.

Also to note:

• A doctor or emergency responder can treat a real situation or emergency

• But a doctor cannot treat an imagined problem. You cannot tell a doctor to treat a wound you don’t have or a wound you are afraid you may get.

• A firefighter can’t put out a fire in a building you are afraid will go up in flames

• There is either no real problem and therefore no one to call because there is nothing that can be done

• Or there is a real problem, and things to do about it

• Or there is no problem, no reason to worry, no benefit to worrying, and no one to call and nothing to do

• And while there is no reason to worry about what might happen, there is reason to focus instead on what is happening, to be in the present and enjoy it

• To not get wrapped up in imaginary fears that there is nothing to do about

• And to get wrapped up in what is actually happening, where there is what can be done about it – enjoy it.

And the key point:

• While a doctor or emergency responder can treat a true situation, it is only I myself who can provide the reassurance that I am okay when there is no real situation.

• A doctor would say there is nothing for me to treat

• And his reassurance that I am okay would not last because what if something goes wrong in the future? What if there’s something wrong and the doctor doesn’t know or missed it?

• That’s where I myself come in: I need to reassure myself that I am okay, and I need to trust and believe in myself and my reassurances.

Getting past the symptoms and isolating the anxiety itself

The way to attack this final frontier is to isolate the anxiety itself and attack it at the core. It’s similar to when a patient is rushed into the ER, covered in blood. It’s easy for the doctor to panic and start cleaning the blood and treating each wound. But the way to treat the patient is to take a step back and analyze the patient, isolate the symptoms and identify the core issue and then treat it. Or like when a person comes to the doctor complaining of headaches, congestion, chest pains, and pain when swallowing. The doctor can treat the individual symptoms, but it would still not solve anything because the underlying illness that is causing the diverse symptoms was not identified and treated, thus treating all of the symptoms with it.

So a good doctor takes a step back and analyzes the symptoms and identifies the underlying issue. And that’s what I’m going to do. You see, the brain thinks that it could use thoughts as its weapon of last resort because who can argue with thoughts? But someone can. And that person is me. I am the only one in my own head who knows me best and who knows the truth about things. Only I can look myself in the eye, figuratively speaking of course, and assure myself of the one thing that no one else can. I am my own worst enemy, but I am also my own best chance at confronting this enemy. And I’m getting good at it, so I know I’m going to overcome this one as well. And it will empower me to self-assure with everything and anything else.

Let’s first touch on something that I told my wife yesterday because it think it is so fundamental and encouraging: Life has 3 types of situations:

• Where there is nothing wrong and no reason for medical attention or emergency services

• Where there is a non-emergency medical issue that requires a visit to a doctor

• Where there is a medical emergency that requires emergency medical services

In the first instance, there is nothing wrong, so you do nothing. In the second instance, you visit a doctor who determines that you have a virus or infection, prescribes medication or refers the patient to a specialist. And in the third instance, the person calls 911 and receives the help they need.

Panic and anxiety – including and especially about issues of health and mental illness – comes when:

• There is in fact nothing wrong

• The brain perceives that something is or might go wrong

• Since there is nothing wrong in fact, there is no doctor to visit or emergency service to call

• As a result, the brain feels trapped, thinking that something is or might go wrong, but there is no one to call

• It goes so far, to the point where it actually forgets that if something were in fact wrong, there are medical and emergency services to call, so it feels even more trapped

• Panic ensues at the brain feels like something is wrong but there is nothing it can do.

• The fact, however, is that there is nothing wrong, and that’s why there is nothing to do.

• And the fact is that if there were something wrong there would be no questions about it, and there are plenty of resources to call who would respond at a moment’s notice.

• It is the cognitive dissonance between the illusion that “something is or might go terribly wrong and there’s nothing I can do”, and the reality that “there is nothing wrong and that’s why there’s nothing I am doing or can do, (and that if there were something really wrong there is plenty that can be done as has been done in the past during real emergency situations)

That said, instead of panicking over the feeling of being trapped by being unable to do anything about a serious situation, the focus needs to shift to the fact that there is no emergency situation and therefore there is nothing to do. And the proof that there is nothing to do is that you are not actually doing anything, because there is plenty to do in a true emergency or even a non-emergency, and your lack of action is because there is no action to take because there is no situation to react to.

The darkest moments come right before the light

What is needed most is for me to trust myself when I reassure myself. I no longer see anyone else’s reassurance as comforting so I am only left with me. and that’s a scary thought, but in truth it is empowering. It’s good to know that in a true emergency there is police, ambulance and fire departments to call. There are also doctors and emergency rooms. But for the daily, standard issues like muscle twitches, muscle spasms, anxiety attacks, etc., I need to rely on myself and self-soothe. I, my conscious brain, knows the facts: that there is nothing seriously wrong. In fact, if there were, I would be going to a doctor, taking a pill, or calling emergency services. But I’m not because I know the cause and resolution to whatever is happening, be it real or imagined. But I need to learn to trust my own reassurance because it is the only true reassurance. Self-belief is all we have at the end of the day! When I start to have some anxiety and it results in muscle twitches, then I know for a fact based on what’s happening now and on past experience that it is a symptom of the anxiety and not a separate issue to be anxious about. So knowing that, I should:

• Not panic about the physiological anxiety symptoms

• Relax

• Address the reason for the anxiety and realize that it is simply an unnecessary fear about an unfactual worry

• Look at my surroundings and all of the good things in my life that are actually happening

• Cease to worry

• Cease to react emotionally to non-factual worries

• Begin to react emotionally to the facts – to the gratitude at having a job with a great salary and a beautiful family and a happy home to go to after work with no commute or added stress

• Be excited to go out tonight and have a break from the kids and spend some romantic special time with my wife

Trust myself! Be soothed and reassured by myself! Know that there is help in the event of a true emergency! Believe myself! Be as generous to myself as I would be toward someone else in the same situation who I would reassure by telling them that it’s just from the anxiety and will go away with the anxiety. Start to get in touch with what is really happening. Take the emotional and physiological reactions away from what is not real. Start to put those emotions and reactions into what is real and is really happening. I am at my great job, surrounded by great people, with room for growth, and have a great home and family to go home to and a fun, enjoyable, peaceful night planned. No more useless, unnecessary fear and panic about non-factual and improbable worries. Only love, joy, happiness and gratitude about the great fortune that is tangible, actual, factual, and perceivable with the five senses!

One of the self-assurances that needs to take place – and effective immediately – is that I’m not going crazy!!! You see, my brain is a silly little thing that likes to play games with itself. And when all else fails, as it has, because there is nothing in fact to be anxious about, my brain turns to the most intangible and vague irrational fears – that I’m going crazy. Because who can argue with that, right? If I’m thinking crazy things, then in my head I must be going crazy. And since it’s thoughts, then it doesn’t matter what others say, because even though I’m acting normal, my thoughts feel crazy. And that’s the ultimate frontier that I am now facing and challenging and will successfully overcome as I did everything else. My brain is backed into a corner where it received all of the medical clearance it could ever want or need, all of the external validation and all of the assurances that I am okay based on testing and behavior. So it pulls out its last weapon: thoughts. Sure, all of the medical tests are perfect and you were reassured that you are normal, but no one can tell you that you are normal in your thoughts, because only you know your own thoughts. So there! Gotcha! And then the brain reinforces this nonsense by using every little misstep or misstatement – which for anyone else would be considered normal and laughed at – or thought, to validate this fear. And when there aren’t any such thoughts, it creates them and then points to them as proof of mental illness. Then, anxiety ensues, fueled by the fear that I’m losing my mind. Anxiety then results in lack of attention to and focus on surroundings, and a sense of detachment, along with the fear that I’m going crazy. These symptoms of the anxiety result in weird thoughts or actions. These anxiety symptoms further fuel the fear of mental illness that originally triggered the anxiety in the first place, so it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Before confronting the issue it is important to remember that the darkest moments are right before the light, so it is actually a good sign that the brain is pulling out its most desperate weapon of last resort – the weapon of thoughts. It shows that all else has been confronted and now the final battle has arrived. Like in a video game or an action movie, the first battles involve the faceless minions of the big boss, but then the final scene always involves a battle royal with the most notorious enemy leader. But when the battle royal comes, you also know that the ultimate victory is near. So the deeper the darkness, the more cornered and desperate the enemy is, and the closer the breakthrough. The key is not succumbing at the last moments, staying strong, and then having the opportunity to break through into the light. And that’s what I am going to do!