Back at square one minus the after-effects

Welcome to normal. You see, now my brain is really starting up with me. It’s doing what I always did as a child; it’s prodding and instigating. I wake up in the morning feeling great after an amazing night’s sleep for which I have to pat myself on the back.

Aside about sleep:

Sleep was something that I struggled with for years prior to going into my current battle with anxiety, and now when it should seemingly be harder than ever, I have been able to relax myself enough to fall asleep without a single sleeping aid, I have been able to stay asleep for extended periods of time, fall back asleep when I do wake up in middle of the night, and go back to sleep even in the morning light! I used to toss and turn unable to sleep, I used to need background noise to fall asleep or a radio on, and now I am able to relax, breathe, calm my mind, gather my thoughts, think to myself, and fall asleep, back asleep, stay asleep, and have normal and pleasant dreams. And all this is with the worst anxiety and emotional and mental distress I have ever had in my life. Now that shows what I am capable of and I should be very proud of that! My entire life until this entire episode was a blur of background noise and distractions, followed by the inability to deal with silence and listen to my own thoughts, all in an attempt to keep me from stopping for a second and thinking. The anxiety and my journey through it has taught me to stop, calm down, relax, listen to my thoughts, talk to them, tell them what is really happening around me, and disprove any of its preconceived notions about life and reality. Now I listen and talk to my thoughts all day, never once attempting to silence, avoid, suppress, or drown them out. I am in touch with my thoughts, my consciousness and my awareness – that’s me – the me I’ve been searching for and trying to identify. I have also learned to de-stress each day when my wife is exercising or with a client, by turning off the TV and lights, taking some deep breaths, gathering my thoughts, listening to them, addressing them, talking to them, and challenging them when necessary. I go through my day and realize what I accomplished that day and how much I contributed to myself, my family, and the world. I implant into my subconscious true and positive beliefs and facts about myself and the world, which in turn helps change my reactions to things. And I am most proud of myself because I made the decision to do all of this without the help of a medication or therapist. Not that I’m better than anyone else, but knowing myself, medication would not help me and would only make me more anxious as I think about the side effects and after effects, but mostly because there isn’t a pill in the world that will make my anxiety go away. I am anxious for a reason, and all that the medication may do – and experience has shown that it won’t – is remove the symptoms of anxiety and perhaps make me drowsy, that’s all. I don’t want only the symptoms to go away, nor do I want to not be in control of myself. I do not want any side effects, nor do I want to become tolerant and need more and more medications and higher doses, and then become an addict as the medications begin to become less effective, as daily news stories continue to show, the rate of prescription and overdoses of prescription painkillers and muscle relaxants is increasing at staggering rates. Anxiety and worry never killed anyone. It was the medications or alcohol that the individual took that killed them. And that’s not the path I want or am going to take. I have two choices: either take medication to deal with only the symptoms of anxiety, and then have the side effects of the medication, the escalation of medication dependency, the health effects and possible death resulting from the medications, plus the strong possibility of losing my wife, my children, my job, etc. as I would begin to be under the influence of medications and progress down that path. And it’s not like I can take a medication that would just help for the long term, because it’s my mind and thoughts that I’m dealing with and nothing will turn off my mind. Nothing. But what I can do is control my thoughts. Gather my thoughts. Listen to my thoughts. Be in touch with my thoughts. Challenge my thoughts when they are not accurate. Input new, accurate, positive thoughts into my subconscious in order to replace the wrong, inaccurate or avoided thoughts that filled it before all of this. And the side effect of that? Actually tackling the underlying anxiety, beliefs, and thought processes. Now perhaps I may never fully tackle it, you may say, but remember that with medications, alcohol, drugs, etc. I’m still not even tackling them and I’m not even trying to! And then there are the side effects that have landed many people in hospitals, jails, or coffins. When tackling the thoughts themselves, there are no negative side effects whatsoever, and there is are many possible and likely positive side effects, like actually dealing with the core issue. So do I choose to drown out the thoughts, deal with the devastating aftereffects and still never get to the bottom of the issue, or do I tackle the underlying issue, have no negative side effects, have many immediate and future positive side effects, and perhaps even deal with the issue and move on as a better person who knows and understands myself better than ever and is more realistic, mature and mentally stable to raise my family? Hmm, it’s a no-brainer, forgive the pun. So that’s why I pat myself on the back. Because I made the difficult but mature decision that as long as I could function and get through the day, take care of my responsibilities to my family, my job, myself, my community, etc., that I would tackle the rest mentally and emotionally and without any cop-outs, I can give myself a lot of credit. Who’s me? Who am I? I asked myself not too long ago. I am the one who made the conscious decision to get in touch with myself, and I am the myself with whom I am getting in touch. I am the one who gets through the day each day and tackles the thoughts that are mine as well. I am the one who makes the conscious effort daily to care for my wife and children, control my thoughts and actions, try to see the reality of things, and give my children the tools and values to help them grow into emotionally stable people. In fact, just yesterday, AOL/Huffpost published a story about ex-SNL star Darryl Hammond who just came out with a new book in which he reveals that he had a very dark side. Due to a horrible childhood, he was having emotional distress and disturbing thoughts. He turned to cutting, painkillers, and eventually to hard illegal drugs, living in crack houses, and then had all of the effects that come with that: hospitalization, family issues, work issues, legal issues, etc. Lucky for him he never got into real trouble with the law and is still alive to tell his story, but many are not as fortunate. So he finally went to rehab, had a relapse, went to rehab again, now has countless physical and health effects – oh, and the kicker – with all the wasted years, money, and the lifelong effects that he is now left with – he did nothing to even attempt to address his thoughts, anxieties, etc. So now, after all of the hell and the rehab, and the recovery addiction which is essentially lifelong, he also still has to deal with the core issue that started this craziness in the first place! So here I am, dealing with a less intense circumstance but horrifying and distressful nonetheless, but I get to have the objectivity to see myself through it, hold onto my life, my family, my job and my health. And just like he ended up back at square one, so am I, only without the lifelong effects that he will now have to struggle with. Bravo! I honestly did not ever know how strong I was, but now I am starting to get a glimpse of it. Of me. Of I.

Then I remember that my brain has been playing games with me for reasons that I will go into in a moment. Then I begin to purposely hyper-focus, purposely mix up information and images in my head in order to freak myself out and say, “You see? You are crazy!” But of course, I do nothing out of the ordinary in actuality because I am not losing it. So to the outside world everything is normal and ordinary. But in my head, it’s crazy at times.

So let’s analyze what is happening and what is not happening, and then I will analyze the causes of what’s happening. It will show that what’s happening is essentially nothing, the consequences are nothing, and the causes are nothing. It’s nothing with nothing.

The darkest moments come right before the light

What is needed most is for me to trust myself when I reassure myself. I no longer see anyone else’s reassurance as comforting so I am only left with me. and that’s a scary thought, but in truth it is empowering. It’s good to know that in a true emergency there is police, ambulance and fire departments to call. There are also doctors and emergency rooms. But for the daily, standard issues like muscle twitches, muscle spasms, anxiety attacks, etc., I need to rely on myself and self-soothe. I, my conscious brain, knows the facts: that there is nothing seriously wrong. In fact, if there were, I would be going to a doctor, taking a pill, or calling emergency services. But I’m not because I know the cause and resolution to whatever is happening, be it real or imagined. But I need to learn to trust my own reassurance because it is the only true reassurance. Self-belief is all we have at the end of the day! When I start to have some anxiety and it results in muscle twitches, then I know for a fact based on what’s happening now and on past experience that it is a symptom of the anxiety and not a separate issue to be anxious about. So knowing that, I should:

• Not panic about the physiological anxiety symptoms

• Relax

• Address the reason for the anxiety and realize that it is simply an unnecessary fear about an unfactual worry

• Look at my surroundings and all of the good things in my life that are actually happening

• Cease to worry

• Cease to react emotionally to non-factual worries

• Begin to react emotionally to the facts – to the gratitude at having a job with a great salary and a beautiful family and a happy home to go to after work with no commute or added stress

• Be excited to go out tonight and have a break from the kids and spend some romantic special time with my wife

Trust myself! Be soothed and reassured by myself! Know that there is help in the event of a true emergency! Believe myself! Be as generous to myself as I would be toward someone else in the same situation who I would reassure by telling them that it’s just from the anxiety and will go away with the anxiety. Start to get in touch with what is really happening. Take the emotional and physiological reactions away from what is not real. Start to put those emotions and reactions into what is real and is really happening. I am at my great job, surrounded by great people, with room for growth, and have a great home and family to go home to and a fun, enjoyable, peaceful night planned. No more useless, unnecessary fear and panic about non-factual and improbable worries. Only love, joy, happiness and gratitude about the great fortune that is tangible, actual, factual, and perceivable with the five senses!

One of the self-assurances that needs to take place – and effective immediately – is that I’m not going crazy!!! You see, my brain is a silly little thing that likes to play games with itself. And when all else fails, as it has, because there is nothing in fact to be anxious about, my brain turns to the most intangible and vague irrational fears – that I’m going crazy. Because who can argue with that, right? If I’m thinking crazy things, then in my head I must be going crazy. And since it’s thoughts, then it doesn’t matter what others say, because even though I’m acting normal, my thoughts feel crazy. And that’s the ultimate frontier that I am now facing and challenging and will successfully overcome as I did everything else. My brain is backed into a corner where it received all of the medical clearance it could ever want or need, all of the external validation and all of the assurances that I am okay based on testing and behavior. So it pulls out its last weapon: thoughts. Sure, all of the medical tests are perfect and you were reassured that you are normal, but no one can tell you that you are normal in your thoughts, because only you know your own thoughts. So there! Gotcha! And then the brain reinforces this nonsense by using every little misstep or misstatement – which for anyone else would be considered normal and laughed at – or thought, to validate this fear. And when there aren’t any such thoughts, it creates them and then points to them as proof of mental illness. Then, anxiety ensues, fueled by the fear that I’m losing my mind. Anxiety then results in lack of attention to and focus on surroundings, and a sense of detachment, along with the fear that I’m going crazy. These symptoms of the anxiety result in weird thoughts or actions. These anxiety symptoms further fuel the fear of mental illness that originally triggered the anxiety in the first place, so it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Before confronting the issue it is important to remember that the darkest moments are right before the light, so it is actually a good sign that the brain is pulling out its most desperate weapon of last resort – the weapon of thoughts. It shows that all else has been confronted and now the final battle has arrived. Like in a video game or an action movie, the first battles involve the faceless minions of the big boss, but then the final scene always involves a battle royal with the most notorious enemy leader. But when the battle royal comes, you also know that the ultimate victory is near. So the deeper the darkness, the more cornered and desperate the enemy is, and the closer the breakthrough. The key is not succumbing at the last moments, staying strong, and then having the opportunity to break through into the light. And that’s what I am going to do!

Like a soldier returning from war

Picture this scenario and see how it applies very closely to my situation:

A boy grows up carefree in Middle America. The child loves his parents and has lots of friends in school. Then the child grows up, becomes a man, gets married and loves his wife dearly. Unable to find a job, the couple agrees that the man will enlist in the military. They calculate that he will put in a few years, earn a pension, hopefully won’t be deployed, and then when he’s done they can live off of his veteran’s benefits.

The man enlists and attends training and is away occasionally, but is mostly home, and life is good. Then one day, the United States declares war on Iraq. Every able-bodied soldier is deployed to Iraq, including the man in our example, who is shuttled off to Iraq immediately. While in Iraq, the soldier flourishes; he makes quick, smart, lifesaving decisions and is promoted multiple times. He is in his element and has never shone brighter before in his life.

And then, one day, he is told that the war is over and his tour of duty is up. He can now go home, enjoy his wife and his newborn child who was born while he was away in Iraq. He is told that he will now live off of a comfortable pension and health benefits. Luckily, he was not injured or killed and really enjoy the rest of his life, unlike others who were either killed, injured, or lost limbs. With his wartime experience under his belt, his life financially set, and his health and body fully intact, nothing sounds better than going home and enjoying the rest of his life in peace and love.

But then the soldier comes home, and after the homecoming parade and fanfare dies down and he is home with his wife and child, something feels off. There is a pit in his stomach that seems to be preventing him from enjoying the life he thought he could now enjoy. He feels somewhat distant from his wife and child. He hugs them, but he doesn’t feel it. This lack of feeling causes him to spiral into a deeper anxiety, wondering what’s wrong with him. Maybe war got to me, maybe I snapped, maybe I’m going crazy. Wasn’t I supposed to do my tour then come home and enjoy a nice, quiet life? What’s wrong with me? And the self-fulfilling prophecy feeds itself, depression ensues, and the man feels like things will never be the same again. His wife encourages him to hug her, get to know his child, tries to convince him that everything is okay now, but that sends him into a deeper spiral as the cognitive dissonance sets in, him seeing and knowing that everything is okay, but that he just simply can’t get himself to enjoy it and to love his loved ones.

In this classic, all-too-familiar story, what changed? A young, loving, smart man who just went to battle and fought courageously and bravely for the sole purpose of creating a quiet, enjoyable life for his family, now can’t seem to enjoy his life and love his loved ones. His life is good – in fact it’s better than the way he left it, so that didn’t change. His wife still loves him – in fact she loves him even more after what he went through at war, so that didn’t change. He didn’t “snap” or “go crazy” so his mental status didn’t change. He didn’t lose his ability to love his wife and child and to enjoy life, because he loves them so much that he’s frustrated about his inability to get in touch with those emotions. So what did change?

The answer in one word, is conditioning. War is an intense circumstance that, since it involves actual fight, flight or freeze, quickly reconditions the human brain with the following set of new beliefs:

1. Worry is good because it will keep you alive. If you don’t let your guard down and worry about and anticipate the enemy coming from anywhere at anytime and be as prepared as you can at all times, you have a better chance of staying alive. Worry and expecting the worst is good and will protect you.

2. Do not get too emotionally attached to anyone, because people die in war, and if you get too attached to someone you love or are close to, it will hurt more if you lose them. To protect yourself, avoid becoming emotionally attached to anyone. Emotional attachment is bad and can cause you to be hurt. Emotional distance will protect you from that kind of pain and loss. Love is bad.

3. Don’t show emotion because emotion equals weakness, and in war weakness is bad. You need to feel, look, act, and be tough and emotionless when facing the enemy. You must also show strength to the men in your company by keeping a strong, straight face and by never breaking down or letting go. Showing emotion will demoralize others who are looking to you for stability and strength. Displays of pain are bad.

4. You are not an individual anymore. You are a member of a team. You depend on your men and your men depend on you. You must have your men’s backs and they must have yours at all times. There is no each man for himself. You are part of an army. You are serving your country. It is more honorable to not take credit for your bravery, but to see it as your duty. Individuality is bad. Taking credit for your accomplishments is bad.

With those beliefs ingrained in his subconscious, the soldier comes home to a situation where his conscious brain says:

• You no longer need to worry. You are no longer in danger. You are back home, safe, and no longer at war. Worry is no longer helpful. In fact, worry about danger that is no longer applicable will keep you from enjoying the beautiful life you now have.

• It is now healthy and okay to become emotionally attached. It is bad to be distant from your wife and child. It is good to be close and loving with them.

• Emotions are healthy and can now be freely expressed. You can openly express your love for your wife, your frustrations, your anger, hate, fear and sadness. Expressing emotions brings you closer to your loved ones and deepens your attachment to them and enhances your relationships.

• You are a hero. You sacrificed your life and comforts for your family and you created an environment where they can now enjoy an easygoing life. You can give yourself credit for your heroism, bravery, sacrifice and accomplishments, and you can accept accolades from others when they tell you how proud they are of you. It is okay to be an individual now. You are no longer part of an army and you are no longer at war. You are now yourself once again.

The cognitive dissonance between what the subconscious was conditioned to believe and what the conscious brain perceives as the reality is what causes the anxiety and frustration. The facts haven’t changed. The people haven’t changed. Only the brain’s beliefs and conditionings have changed. And they changed for good because that is what was needed in war. Worry, emotional distance and selflessness were necessary for survival so the brain adapted. But now they are no longer needed. Now, worry is no longer needed and can be a hindrance, emotional closeness is good and important, and individuality is necessary to be a whole person. But the subconscious did not yet catch up with the reality. And that can cause intense frustration and increased anxiety.

But the good news in all of this, is that the cure was created before the disease.

You see, that very same brain that enjoyed a life of love, emotional attachment and hope, was reconditioned in order to survive in war. The reconditioning was extreme and quick. The brain adapted quickly in order to survive at war. It is the very same brain that can now be just as easily reconditioned to survive in the new reality of life back home where things are drastically different.

Seeing the new reality does not help recondition the subconscious because without understanding what is happening and why here is a disparity between the subconscious’s reactions and the reality, the cognitive dissonance creates a spiral of anxiety and does not help with the healing and adaptation to the new reality. It is only when there is a clear understanding of what is happening, – how the brain was reconditioned during war and how it is still using its wartime tools because it needs to be re-adapted to home life – and once the understanding sets in and the fear is gone, that the healing can begin and the reconditioning of the brain can start to be implemented. And just as the brain switched from home life to wartime survival, it can now, just as easily switch back. Since it is not a fight, flight, or freeze situation at home, the progression is more gradual as opposed to wartime where survival instincts result in quick, almost instantaneous adaptations. The re-adaptation to a non-survival environment may take a little longer, but it is equally possible and will be accomplished with the right perspective, tools and patience.

And that’s where I come in. my childhood and development, career advancement and child raising was wartime, and it continued into marriage with the struggles of infertility, moving, and so on. Now is the time to reap the fruits of my years of investment, but I found it hard to change modes from one of struggle, worry, emotional evenness and teamwork to one of enjoyment, relaxation, self-appreciation, individuality, love and feelings. And not knowing what was happening resulted in cognitive dissonance and frustration.

But, as with the soldier, the very same brain that was originally conditioned to believe, think and feel the way it needed to in wartime, can and will now be reconditioned to believe, think and feel what it needs in order to enjoy a quiet life of calm, love, peace, emotion, individuality. After all, the soldier – and myself – worked all of those years to create what it now has to enjoy, and nothing changed – the situation is better than ever and the person is stronger than ever – the only change that is needed is in the subconscious’s survival tools – it simply needs to adapt to the new environment where love, emotion, closeness, individuality and heroism are all needed and appreciated. It happened when he went to war, so it can and will happen again.

My childhood was like wartime on a much smaller scale, in that:

• I was not provided with a healthy ego during my developmental years

• I was not encouraged and taught to be self-sufficient and independent

• I was forced to suppress emotions to avoid looking weak in the eyes of those looking up to me

• I avoided emotional attachment, fearing I could lose anyone at anytime as I did my mother

• I was conditioned to see worry, sympathy and excessive concern as helpful tools

• I was not provided true love; from my mother I got abuse and from my father I got kindness

But now, my brain – and, more specifically, my subconscious – is beginning to truly internalize that:

• I no longer need to worry about anything

• Worry is not a helpful or useful tool; in fact, it results in distraction and hesitation

• Spontaneity and uncertainty are what make life exciting, fun, unpredictable and adventurous

• Most uncertainty results in positive outcomes

• Emotions are healthy and a necessary part of life

• I am learning about true love from my wife and children

I also realize that:

• I am better than I ever was

• My life is better than it ever was

• Any feelings I have that make me feel otherwise are leftover learned worry behaviors that will be unlearned as my subconscious realizes and internalizes that those feelings are no longer useful or helpful

• The world and life are there for my enjoyment. It beckons me to embrace it. They need me to and want me to. My job needs me to enjoy what I do; my family needs me to enjoy and love them; my wife needs me to love her and want to enjoy and be with her. Even my conscious brain is on board with the new me and my enjoyable life. My conscious brain knows now that worry is unhelpful and is ready to enjoy the spontaneity of life. It’s now up to my subconscious brain to receive the new signal – that worry is not helpful and that emotions are good and healthy – and to get on board!

• Thankfully there are no additional related concerns like financial hardship, addiction or medical issues that would complicate a recovery. It is only the anxiety itself – the worry behavior – and once that goes when it realizes that it is no longer necessary, useful or helpful, and that it is okay to access and express emotions like love, joy, anger, sadness, happiness, appreciation, etc., I can re-enter my happy life as a more self-confident, assured person with many more years to enjoy.

• Nothing can stand before the will. I can choose to not pursue a feeling of anxiety, knowing that it is not based on realistic concerns, is not helpful, and is unwanted! This is not suppression; it is acknowledgement that there is a worry and a feeling of anxiety, but that the worry is unrealistic and unhelpful and therefore not worthy of my time. I am better off focusing on real, actual life!

What we're not dealing with

Perhaps worry and emotion suppression were needed in order to get to where I am today. I accept that and I don’t challenge that. But now, it’s okay. Like a soldier coming back from war who needs to be trained that it is okay to walk down the street and not dodge bullets or jump at a popping sound, I too need to understand that it is now okay to let down that guard that was needed for survival until now. I also need to accept that it is okay to feel good about myself and to enjoy my accomplishments. Perhaps it did not fit in until now, but now it does. The prisoner of war or a Holocaust survivor afraid to leave his cell or to escape the concentration camp is now told that it’s okay to leave. It’s safe to. Come out. The sight of friendly soldiers is sometimes not enough to reverse years of conditioning. But a little prodding and encouraging – in my case self-prodding and self-encouraging – can do wonders.

  

To get a full picture of what’s happening, it’s important to see things from an objective point of view. Anxiety has a nasty way of putting oneself inside one’s head in a seemingly endless circle, so it’s important to break out of it. We first have to establish what is not happening so that we can have a truly accurate perspective of what is happening.

1.      This is not depression. Depression is the inability to get out of bed and enjoy life. Symptoms include having difficulty getting up in the morning, feeling drowsy, crying a lot for no apparent reason, letting oneself go hygienically, seeing no purpose to life, and having the inability to find things enjoyable.

If anything, this is the opposite of depression. It’s (self-)oppression. I find it hard to stay in bed. I am frustrated by the feeling of anxiety interfering with my desire to enjoy life. I am keyed up, and definitely not tired. I am careful through the entire ordeal to not let myself go or to walk in public with what I am feeling being apparent. I see so much purpose to life and so much to enjoy that I am actually frustrated (expressed as anxious) by the anxiety interfering with that.

Although depression about having an anxiety disorder is co-morbid, a neurologist and a psychiatrist confirmed that the primary diagnosis, if you will, is of anxiety, which is the core which needs to be addressed and the related conditions will go with it.

2.      This is not a mental disorder. It’s not a mental disorder because every single symptom that I’ve experienced that led me to suspect a mental disorder was described as a symptom of anxiety disorder. In fact, just feeling like you are losing it is a symptom of a mental disorder. Besides, a neurologist and a psychiatrist assured me that we are not dealing with a mental disorder. Additionally, if I was I wouldn’t be so aware or afraid (anxious) about having one. It would just happen and others would see it before me. in fact, while I am thinking I’m losing it, others have no idea. Somehow, I am magically able to snap out of the supposed mental disorder and I am hyper-aware of it, both of which are absolute proof that there is no mental disorder at play here. Additionally, there is my wife who knows me better than I know myself, who would detect a mental disorder before anyone and she is confident that there are no signs of mental disorder. In fact, anxiety is carried by the person not being focused and forgetting something or mixing something up and then being anxious about the fact that they think they are losing it. Also, mental disorders can’t be talked down like anxiety can and it does not get better or take a week vacation. It would also be so severe after all these months, but in fact this past week was my best week in months.

3.      Anxiety disorder is not irreversible. In fact, everywhere I turn, all I see is how treatable it is. It is treatable because it is not a real thing. It is a learned behavior and a young, healthy brain like mine can easily relearn the correct information that will result in healthy reactions and feelings. There is nothing to fix. The subconscious brain was instilled with a set of beliefs and cognitions and simply needs to be reconditioned to understand the falsity of those beliefs and to be supplied with a set of true beliefs.

The false beliefs that my brain was conditioned to have include:

·         Worry is helpful,

·         Worry is harmful,

·         I have a need for certainty

·         I cannot cope with uncertainty

·         Emotions are messy and should be avoided at all costs

·         I will not be able to cope if something bad were to happen

·         I am not worthy of enjoying the life I created

·         I may not believe that I actually am a good husband, father, provider, employee, and boss

·         If things are good, then I need to worry that it is volatile and the worst will happen

·         The worst case scenario that I can imagine is what is going to happen

The true beliefs that my brain is being reconditioned to understand include:

·         Worry is unhelpful,

·         Worry is not harmful and I am not losing my mind when I worry,

·         I do not have a need for, nor do I truly want certainty

·         I can cope with uncertainty, in fact I do it almost every second of the day

·         Emotions may be messy, but they are a fact of life, they are healthy expressions of feeling, and they are mostly good, and should not be avoided

·         I am very capable of coping with whatever life throws my way

·         I am worthy of enjoying the life I created for myself, my family and my workplace

·         I may and should believe that I actually am a good husband, father, provider, employee, and boss

·         If things are good, that’s all there is, because the present is all we have, the future is mostly good, and is in God’s hands and will therefore always be for the best as it always has been.

·         As past experience has consistently shown, outcomes are usually good and are mostly better than expected or imagined, and the predicted worst has never really happened and most likely won’t in the future.

Now that it’s clearly established that there is nothing at play here other than anxiety itself with no reason for anxiety other than the anxiety itself, and that it is a result of false beliefs which are 100% reversible, and that I know and believe the true beliefs and simply need to work on reinforcing them, we can now go on to picture what is, in fact, happening.

My X Factor

Watching the new Fox show “The X Factor” categorized people for me into a very narrow perspective. Of course there are spectrums and variations, but when it comes to self-confidence and anxiety, they can be categorized into five types of people:

1.        The person who has accomplishments, abilities and talents and who knows it and has the self-confidence and ego resulting from it.

2.        The person who is untalented and unaccomplished, but who sincerely believes that they are talented and accomplished.

3.        The person who believes that they are talented simply because others delude the individual and convince them that they have a gift that they really don’t have.

4.        The person who has accomplishments, abilities and talents, knows it, is told it by others, everyone believes in them, but despite it all, they do not believe nor can they accept that they are who they are, have done what they’ve done, and can believe in their achievements.

I watched as a girl took the stage and said that she had done so because she was encouraged by her mother. She expressed her lack of self-confidence and anxiety, and believed she would fail. But when she opened her mouth to sing, her voice soared. That girl was extremely talented. And the judges were blown away and told her how great she was. But the girl just did not believe it. for some reason, she could not accept that she was actually as talented as they said she was. They believed in her, but she did not believe in herself. And all of the belief and confidence imbued by others can never effect what is really needed – for the person to believe in themselves.

The girl fell into the fourth category I described. And so do I. My wife believes in me, that I am the best husband and life partner. My children believe in me, that I am the best father. My siblings believe in me, that I am the best brother. My employer believes in me, that I am the best employee. My employees believe in me, that I am the best boss and supervisor. My neurologist, who is also a family friend – believes in me, that I am the most capable and together one of my entire family. And my accomplishments show it: the home I’ve created, the marriage I’ve built, the business I’ve established, grew and now successfully run, and my physique that I’ve worked to maintain.

The facts show it and everyone else sees it and believes it. But there’s one more person who still needs to believe – and not just know – it. That person is me. And once I do learn to accept everything I am and have accomplished, I will learn to enjoy it. But for now, my subconscious believes falsely that the emotion of happiness about my life and joy and appreciation about what I’ve accomplished need to be suppressed. But it is slowly learning and being reconditioned to access those emotions and to feel self-sufficient and accomplished and to walk tall and sincerely internalize who I am, what I’ve done, how I feel about it, and how much more I can do and become. The train is in motion and all of the facts are lined up. Even my conscious brain is on board. Now all that’s left is for my subconscious to join the ride. And I know it will, because whatever it is doing now is simply a result of conditioning ad is not hardwired. And the brain takes very fast to reconditioning. Longer than we hope, but faster than we expect.

All aboard the ME express!

My worry is not my problem....my problem is my worries

Luckily, also, I am attacking this from a position of advantage: I have youth, a stable job, a loving, supportive wife and beautiful children, a great home, a nice community, and great job. It is easier when the reality I have been hiding from is a good one – nay, a great one, thank God. The emotions I have been suppressing are those of love, joy, happiness, accomplishment and fulfillment. My lack of ego and self-confidence told me that I don’t deserve to feel the sense of fulfillment that comes with all that I’ve achieved in my personal and business life, my false beliefs about  worry told me that I should worry about losing it all instead of enjoying the present, and my subconscious has been doing what it was conditioned to do: to suppress the feelings of joy and gratitude and sense of self-accomplishment and self-fulfillment that I deserve to feel after everything I’ve worked so hard for and achieved.

Fortunately, I am not confronting any real reason for anxiety. I am confronting anxiety itself. The triggers are simply things that the anxiety attaches itself to. It is easier to confront anxiety itself when there are no true underlying reasons for the anxiety, nor any other conditions such as agoraphobia, addiction or dependence. It is simply anxiety itself that my subconscious feels is healthy and will learn that it is not.

But my subconscious can and will be retrained and reconditioned. It will learn that worry is not a helpful or useful tool. It will learn that emotions are healthy and that accessing and expressing them are okay. It will learn that I am worthy of enjoying and giving myself credit for the life I’ve worked so hard to create. It will no longer hide behind the veil of anxiety. A new, self-confident, happy and emotionally healthy me will emerge. In fact, it has already begun to emerge and I’ve already seen glimpses of the new me. But each new step comes with setbacks, and it is important to not be discouraged. Remember: The brain was not born or created with the faulty belief system it has now. It was conditioned that way. And a brain’s conditioning can be changed. And I have all of the tools for that change.

Let the journey to allowing me to be happy as the person I am and to enjoy the life I’ve created continue. I know that I will be upset by how long it takes and how difficult the journey will be, but I also know that I will be pleasantly surprised by how long it doesn’t take.

Oh, and here’s the first pat on the back: now, and when it’s all said and done, you know who did all the work to get to where I am and to where I will be? That’s right, it was me. That’s because all of the support and tools in the world cannot do the work for me. Only I can do it on my own. Each worry confronted, each infusion of self-confidence, each emotion accessed and expressed, is another step, regardless of how small, toward reconditioning the subconscious to see and appreciate the reality of life. It was not a pill or a therapist who did it for me. It was me. And I owe myself the credit for embarking on the journey and for remaining committed. And it will only be me who will have a happier, more confident and more fulfilled life when the mission is accomplished.

The advantage of learned vs hard-wired behaviors

Physiological responses, such as the immune response, are things the brain is born with and cannot be changed, but can only be suppressed. However, when it comes to learned behaviors and beliefs, it is an entirely different story. The brain is not born with pre-existing beliefs about life. It is like a blank whiteboard or computer chip that slowly absorbs the information it is provided with, and incorporates that information into its response system to life experiences. Using the beliefs instilled throughout a child’s upbringing as well as other external, beliefs and behaviors learned throughout a person’s growth and development, the brain then begins to automatically react to events based on the way it was taught to.

And the key word is taught. The same versatile brain that adapted using the originally instilled information does not lose its versatility and ability to relearn information later in life and to be retrained to respond differently to life’s ups and downs. Since it was learned and not inborn, information can be relearned and the brain retrained. The saying that you can’t teach an old horse new tricks holds some truth but is not contradictory to the brain’s ability to be retrained. You see, there are times that the brain is so trained in one way of thinking that it loses the ability to see itself objectively. The learned behavior becomes so ingrained and intertwined with the brain’s way of thinking that the person can no longer see or ever understand that the behavior is unhealthy or unhelpful. When a therapist attempts to reach the individual with the behavior or cognition that is so conditioned into the brain, the individual is defensive because it is having trouble recognizing that what the therapist is saying is true. It believes what it believes so deeply, that anything to the contrary is seen as untrue.

However, there is one important factor that all people who respond to therapy or cognitive-behavioral therapy have in common: The ability to see themselves and their brain’s learned behavior’s objectively. They consciously recognize that their subconscious is reacting to events in an unhealthy way and they are unhappy with the reaction.

However, there are three additional factors necessary to actually change the way the brain is conditioned. The first is that they want to change the unhealthy behavior; the second is that they have the correct tools necessary to change that behavior. The third, and possibly the most crucial and challenging factor, is that the person themselves need to actually to the work and exercises necessary to implement the change and retrain their own brain. No self-help book, therapist or medication will ever effect the actual change necessary to essentially reprogram a brain that has been conditioned over many formative years. It is only the individuals themselves who need to actively look at things differently, understand reality, accept that their belief systems were wrong, and constantly drill the correct information into the brain until the subconscious catches on to the new belief system and takes over by using the new belief system to automatically react to events based on the newly-instilled perspectives of reality. This process can be frightening because it involves first and foremost exposure to the triggers. Those episodes of exposure will trigger the unhealthy reaction, thereby allowing the person to have the opportunity to then address the unhealthy reaction, confront the inaccurate belief system, and replace it with a healthy and realistic perspective. Since the human being is conditioned to engage in avoidance when it comes to unpleasant circumstances, it is natural that the person will try to avoid exposure. Additionally, the exposure will, at first, result in the unpleasant and unhealthy reaction and can lead to discouragement. But it’s important to understand that what took decades to instill can take time to modify. Fortunately, however, the brain is so versatile and adaptable that what took years of passive conditioning can be modified in only months of active retraining and reconditioning. But because we are a society that expects instant results, six months can feel like forever, and each new episode after a brief hiatus can lead the person to feel as if the therapy isn’t working. In fact, the longer the hiatus between episodes, the more discouraging the next episode will seem, because the person got the false hope that they were cured and that their anxiety or other learned behavior was now a thing of the past. For that reason, commitment and consistency are of utmost importance, and desperation or false expectations can lead to unrealistic hopes and discouragement.

They key thing to remember is: It won’t take as short as you hope it will, but it won’t take as long as you are afraid it might. Change – or real, permanent change – does not happen overnight, so it is important to take time – both the time needed for change to take place, and the effects of the passage of time – into consideration.

Now, if I were afraid of dogs due to some cognitive conditioning during my formative years, say, as a result of having been bitten by a dog as a young child – then I guess it wouldn’t be that bad if I simply avoided dogs for the rest of my life. Avoiding dogs would enable me to avoid the trigger, and thus the unpleasant automated reaction. But luckily for me, my anxiety is not limited to a specific circumstance of situation that I can simply choose to avoid. I say luckily, although it would seem to be the exact opposite, because it is my nature to always want to improve my outlook, perspectives, and my life in general, wherever possible. That being so, I am forced to confront the source of my anxiety head on, because there is nowhere to run from it. By being forced to confront it, having the correct tools to confront it, and having the will, patience, commitment and ability to see myself objectively, all of which are required in order to effect the necessary change, I know that I will ultimately recondition my brain to see things as they are – rationally and realistically – and I will also develop the empowerment, self-sufficiency, individuality and ego that I did not receive while growing up. I will also learn the important life skill of being able to get in touch with my emotions and express my feelings without fear. At times the emotion will be fear or anger and at times it will be joy, love or happiness. But, for better or for worse, life is a mix of good and bad, joy and tragedy, and the healthiest way to navigate life is to know how you feel about each event and to access and express that emotion instead of suppressing it. Accessing and expressing the emotion of love will result in reciprocal love, and accessing fear and anger will help resolve their triggers as opposed to keeping it all inside the head.

Emotions are a healthy and necessary part of life, and accepting reality means accepting that they will not always be pleasant, and being willing to access them at all times, for better or for worse. It is this change that will lead to a healthy being with healthy, although sometimes unpleasant, feelings and reactions to life. It is also what will lead to self-fulfillment, joy, happiness and independence.

At the end of the day, when the lights go out and the music stops, all that’s left is me and my thoughts, and I am determined to learn to be happy with me, because the one thing that is constant in my life, irrespective of any external goings-on, is me.

My road to recovery, Day 1

(At this point, it finally became clear to me that the sense of doom, gloom, and dread I was experiencing was generalized anxiety, and that the underlying factor in anxiety disorders is worry and the resulting suppression of emotions and problem solving. With that in mind, I was finally able to start to tackle the cause of my emotional disturbances. As the ancient adage goes, "identifying the disease is half the cure". This was written in the midst of a whopper of an anxiety attack. Not knowing what to do, I just started to write, beginning with how I felt at the time. And so it begins:)

I’m feeling anxious. Very anxious. Psychology describes anxiety as a wall behind which people hide to avoid having to deal with emotions. Emotions, like life, are messy at times, and anxiety keeps you in your head, in an endless loop of worry, what-ifs, imaginary worst-case scenarios, and unrealistic, improbable fears. Sometimes, the anxiety attaches itself to a realistic feeling or occurrence, in an effort to give it life, thus making it even harder to break the feedback loop because when trying to dismiss the worry, the realistic foundation of the worry reinforces it. The fact, though, is that the reality and the worry have nothing in common other than the starting point. For example, a small mark on the skin can begin an endless worry loop about skin cancer. When trying to dismiss the unlikely and improbable worry about cancer as an unrealistic worry, the mark on the skin reinforces the worry, by giving it a basis in reality. But the fact is that the mark is nothing more than a mark until a doctor looks at it and, as in most cases, dismisses it as not being of any concern. The worry that follows, although triggered by a real situation is in itself not a reality. The worry is further reinforced by the false belief that worry helps the person avoid, be more prepared for, or better able to cope with a negative outcome. The reality, however, is that worry is always an imaginary what-if, a prediction of the worst-case scenario, regardless of how unlikely it is to happen, and is always disproportionate to the eventual outcome. The way to conquer anxiety and worry is to realize that worry is harmless, but unhelpful and not realistic.

It is also stoppable and controllable. One way to stop anxiety and worry is to address the worry as unrealistic and to focus on staying in the present. Another way is to tap into the emotion that is being suppressed by the worry and anxiety. By breaking through the barrier of anxiety and accessing the very emotions that it is trying to protect you from, you break down the defenses and deem them no longer necessary or helpful.

My problem with anxiety and worry originates from all three conditions that predispose an individual to chronic anxiety. The first is genetic. Anxiety runs in my genes; my father and some or all of my siblings are anxiety-ridden as well. The second predisposing factor is that I was raised with the belief that worry is a helpful tool for being prepared to cope with life’s uncertainties. The third factor is that I was never provided a healthy, independent ego and self-esteem by my parents. My mother essentially abandoned me at birth by dumping me in a crib right away, and my father made me feel dependent throughout my entire life and past marriage by constantly doing things to take care of me, not realizing that those acts of kindness were actually reinforcing a dependence and not allowing self-sufficiency and independence to develop. The fourth factor is that the traumatic events that occurred during my upbringing forced me to suppress my emotions, because whenever something occurred, my siblings were unable to cope and somebody had to stay level-headed. And if not me, then who? And the only way I could bring myself to stay level-headed and take care of the issues at hand, I had to suppress my emotions. I had to be strong for m siblings and tell everyone that it’s all going to be okay. When my family witnessed the vicious fights my parents had on a daily basis, when my mother eventually died unexpectedly after we alienated her, blaming her for the fighting, and when my father was diagnosed with a massive brain tumor, it was I who had to suck it up, take the reigns, and keep it together for everyone else so that everyone could feel safe and secure, and have the impression that everything was going to be alright because I was there and had everything under control.

This need to be level-headed and emotionless at all times did not allow me the opportunity to express my own feelings – fear and hopelessness when my parents fought, guilt and sadness when my mother died, and fear of losing my father when he was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Each life experience forced me to push my feelings and emotions deeper and deeper. Then came my brother’s overdose and near-death where it fell upon my shoulders to stay calm and get him the help he needed. Then when my sister overdosed I had to do the same, all the while not taking the time to get in touch with how I felt.

I believed that the past was the past, and that bygones were bygones. But little did I know, that they were not. The brain, and especially the subconscious, is very versatile and adaptable. It learns from what it is taught beginning at birth, stores the information, and wires itself accordingly. With time, the brain begins to go on autopilot, using the beliefs it was instilled with – but now it’s on its own.

This can be a great thing, but unfortunately, the brain is a neutral organ. When taught to suppress emotions, it does not differentiate between negative emotions and positive emotions. It just suppresses all emotions. And that’s now a good thing. The same can be said for pretty much all bodily functions where the brain has a hard time differentiating between what is good for the person and what is not. It learns a survival technique and it pulls it out whenever it feels it is necessary, but in many cases the survival tool is not really necessary, and employing it actually causes harm to the person.

One such example is arthritis. The brain mistakenly senses that there is a threat to the joints, and it reacts by employing the immune system to attack the invader, resulting in painful inflammation to the joints. Thanks, but no thanks. Another example is anaphylactic shock, where the brain believes that a simple food particle is an invading foreigner, and it responds by sealing off all bodily entryways – including the airway. Again, a huge thanks, but no thanks. Even the medication to prevent these thankless reactions do not train the brain to not see that there is, in fact, no danger and, thus, no reason for a defensive reaction. It simply suppresses the brain’s immune response overall, thus making the individual more prone to other infections resulting from a compromised immune system.

The same applies to anxiety and suppression of emotions, where the brain believes that it is helping based on the information it was fed. And, as with arthritis medication, SSRIs, the medication taken to shut down the sympathetic portion of the brain, also shuts down its ability to enjoy things, such as sexual activity.

But enough of the negativity, and now for the good news. In fact, the great news.