Calling a spade a spade

So it’s the next day and I must say that I am really seeing improvement. I am getting control over the anxiety. The trick has been to call a spade a spade. What I mean by that, is that last night I went out to do some supplies shopping and it went great, but of course my brain looked for stupidities to make it look like I’m doing crazy things. Some of the things were typical and expected, and some were due to lack of focus.

So what would happen is, I would open a wrong drawer or bump into something, and it would try to trigger anxiety. I quickly nipped it in the bud by going through the following logic in my head:

• Haven’t you already done things like this and even worse things in the past? What came of it? Did it get worse? Better? Did you go crazy? Did you lose your mind? Look at the history and the pattern and try to predict what will happen this time. Isn’t it patterns you are looking for? The brain will never get the certainty it wants, but it can do what it does best which is to look at past patterns and try to predict what will happen next. And everything you are experiencing now are things that were experienced in the past, if not on a worse scale, and each time what was the outcome? Nothing. So again, as always, the outcome will be nothing! So no reason for anxiety now!

• Okay, let’s see what happened here: I did something absentmindedly and it’s trying to trigger anxiety. But haven’t we established already that it’s the anxiety that’s causing me to do these things and not the other way around where the action triggers the anxiety? So why become anxious about having done something as a result of anxiety? Let’s get to the root of it: I did what I did because I have some level of anxiety which is resulting in reduced focus and concentration on what I’m doing. So the solution would be to tackle the underlying anxiety that caused me to be unfocused in the first place. How do I tackle the anxiety? Calm down. Slow down. Breathe. Address any reasons for anxiety or worry. Get busy with other, real things. Look forward to lying in bed and meditating, relaxing, analyzing the day, my thoughts, etc. Take a slow, relaxing shower. Slow down, focus, and relax.

In short, letting the anxiety-caused actions to trigger additional anxiety is what causes the vicious cycle. To break the cycle, I need to focus, remember that it’s the anxiety itself that’s the issue, and tackle the anxiety by relaxing, addressing my concerns, and getting in touch with my thoughts. Addressing the cause – the anxiety – resolves the symptoms, which in turn removes any further need for anxiety.

And as an added bonus, the anxiety reflex is addressed to with these exercises, in that as time goes on and the anxiety is found to be more and more consciously addressed and is found to be more and more useless, the brain lets go of these behaviors and reactions since it no longer believes them to be useful.

The key, however, is to stop falling into the trap of thinking that the symptom is its own thing, and a reason for concern and a valid trigger for anxiety. It is very difficult in the moment but so crucial to stay focused and remember that it is not the action that is a reason for concern, rather that the action was triggered by anxiety and the resulting hyperfocus or lack of focus, and to take a step back, look at the past patterns, realize what the outcome has always been and is likely to be again, and to slow down and address the anxiety itself.

And this is what I’ve been working on because this is getting to the meat of the issue. Breaking the vicious cycle, and tackling the brain’s beliefs about the usefulness of anxiety and changing the automated worry impulse and reaction.

The world through the eyes of people

Here’s something that’s been going through my mind that is completely freaky and practically redefines life, people and the world in general:

In my journey through debilitating, chronic anxiety, I came to see that reality is not what defines our perception of the world. It is our brain. What I mean by that, is that when I would have a severe anxiety attack, the entire world looks gray and dark. Things seem hopeless and things become a huge mix-up in my head. Walking down the street actually looks and feels different. In my research during this period, I’ve come to learn that people with emotional or psychological disturbances such as anxiety, depression, etc. have extra activity in the part of the brain that perceives the world. This part of the brain, in their case, overmagnifies different aspects of life. For example, a depressed person’s brain overmagnifies the negative aspects of life and the future, and a person with anxiety overmagnifies the likelihood of negative outcomes. This overmagnification in the brain actually affects the way that person sees life and the world around them.

For example, each day is a new beginning, a fresh start, and a chance to do things anew. While a person who is not depressed will see a new, bright, sunny day, a depressed person will see the exact same day as a gray, dreary day when they would rather stay in bed, because what’s the point? Life sucks anyway. A person with anxiety will see the same day as an anxiety- and worry-filled day where so much is or can go wrong. And if so much can and will likely go wrong, then what’s the point? So now when I see someone in the street, I have no idea how that person is seeing what I’m seeing. We may be standing on a street corner and I may see one thing, but the other person could be seeing it brighter or drearier than I am.

Another reality check is that while going through anxiety, one of the frustrating things was seeing people walking calmly up and down the street while I am all amped up, keyed up, and emotionally chaotic. And that made me feel as though the entire world is living it up happily while I am suffering emotionally.

But then I realized two things:

1) As emotionally chaotic as I felt at the time, I was careful to walk in the street with my head held high while maintaining my composure. People I would come across in the street would have no clue about what was going on internally. This made me realize that just like I am walking around like a happy-go-lucky person while my insides are being run through a meat grinder, who knows who else is doing the exact same thing, and I don’t have a clue because they are hiding it as well as I am?

2) A news report came out a few days ago which stated that 1 in 10 adults are on antidepressants as are 1 in 25 adolescents. Worse yet, this number, they said, only reflects one-third of the people who should be on antidepressants based on the symptoms they reported. That being so, as happy as others may look, 1 in 10 – and perhaps even more – are taking medications to deal with depression or anxiety.

This is not to say that I take any comfort whatsoever in the fact that others suffer too. In fact, that makes me more sad and anxious at times. All I’m saying is that it’s a reality check, that things are not as they appear. I realize now that it’s not that everyone’s happy and I’m the only one in emotional distress; it’s more likely that everyone is dealing with something, and I’m possibly one of those who choose to tackle the issue without medication or therapy – the long-short way.

Patterns, baby, patterns!

It’s the following day, and I know that I haven’t completed yesterday’s entry, partly because it was no longer an issue, and partly because I ran out of time. There is one rule with worry: if it’s no longer an issue, let it go. That explains why I have tons of notes to self lying around, containing one-liner items to meditate on, think about, or to write about which were never pursued. You see, each time I am feeling anxious I take some time to try to get in touch with what I am feeling, and what thoughts or worries need to be addressed and from what angle, in order to help me come out of that episode. Once written, I feel more relaxed, knowing that I have what to think about later in the day during my meditation period, or in bed. In many cases, by the time I am lying in bed or meditating, I am either no longer anxious, no longer anxious about the topic I wrote about, have resolved the topic I wrote about, or am anxious about something else entirely and have a new thought to address.

In today’s case, the issue from yesterday has been resolved in my head for now. The way I did so, was by getting annoyed. Annoyed at my worry and anxiety. And that’s because I, like my brain, like trends and patterns. I mean, isn’t that what started the problem to begin with? Patterns and habits that reinforced the worry, anxiety and panic instinct are what started the problem, so patterns proving otherwise should fix the problem! Granted that if one is not consciously aware of the pattern it will not result in change, but over the past weeks and months I have been extremely conscious of the patters: the one that shows without doubt that despite anything I feel in my head, the fact remains that everything around me is normal, and more importantly, that I am normal. It is also proven that the outcomes minute to minute are and will always be normal and the outcomes each day and night have been, are and will always be normal. But once the anxiety kicks in, that knowledge all goes out the door and it’s back to feeling crazy, like I need to check into a mental institution, and that I need to quit my job.

But then reality comes a-knocking. A child needs me, an employee has a question, my boss needs my help with something, and voila, I snap back to normal and take care of the problem brilliantly. And while I am, I make a point of reminding myself that if I ever feel anxious or crazy I should remember how normal I was at the time. But believe it or not, once the spiral starts, almost nothing can bring you back. In fact, I start to think that I was crazy at the time that I was normal, or that even crazy people are normal at times, or that maybe I am bipolar or schizophrenic. Of course, if any of that was true I wouldn’t be so self-aware and conscious of that, and my behaviors would be affected, not simply my thoughts.

In essence, I am at the point where:

• What I have is an anxiety issue

• I am no longer anxious about the things I was before such as health; I guess I am, but it is manageable

• I am now at the point where I become anxious and panicky about the symptoms caused by anxiety such as thinking or doing silly things either because:

o I am not focused because I am in my head and anxious

o I am hyperfocused – meaning that I am so afraid of making mistakes that people typically make such as mixing things up, putting things in the wrong place, forgetting names, etc., in an attempt to avoid situations that would make me think I am crazy. This hyperfocus causes my brain to always imagine every scenario or possibility in an attempt to predict and control my behaviors. This results in recollection of past things which make me think that my brain is mixed up. It also causes what I call “the autofill effect”, where when reading, the brain simply scans the words and reads them as what they likely are, which in many cases is wrong. I also call it “the headline effect”, where the brain skims things and skips words even in articles, reading them like a series of headlines to just capture the gist of things.

o The mix-ups are typical and expected and happen to everyone

o The mix-ups are caused by stress-related scatterbrain which is an expected symptom of having the responsibility for a wife and four young children on my head as well as the operation of a large company.

o In many cases, what I thought was a mix-up turned out to not be a mix-up and was simply a false alarm which in many cases triggers an anxiety attack even after it was proven unfounded.

But in all cases, days, nights, weeks and months go by and as crazy and mixed up as I think I am, somehow my actions as perceived by others, my judgments, my management of family and career are all sane and smooth. So the actuality – the one that always wins – clearly shows that my thoughts, fears, etc. are just invisible mist and not concrete, because otherwise they would have manifest themselves in the form of a single screw-up or a sense from at least one other person outside of my head who is wondering what’s up with me, but for some reason, outside of my mind everyone is clueless. So what does the actuality show? What will the outcome be in spite of the realistic nature of my thoughts? The reality and actuality is that everything is normal, life is normal, I am normal, my mind is sane. Patterns are everything, and by now there has been sufficient opportunity for something strange to happen, but it hasn’t. So now it’s time for Mr. Brainy to look at the pattern that I am force-feeding to it and to use that to predict future outcomes, because that is what it does best.

I got through the night and day so far with the simple thought of “I know you think….and I know how real it seems….but let’s look at the pattern…haven’t you felt this way before? If not worse?....What was the outcome then? Do you think this time it’s different? Don’t you know that just like in the past, the reality will again be normalcy and this worry and anxiety will have once again been a useless waste of time and caused unnecessary distress when you simply could have enjoyed life?

Patterns, baby, patterns…isn’t that your forte?

Oh, but the symptoms? Perhaps we should get rid of the symptoms so that there are no longer any anxiety triggers? But you see, if you get rid of one trigger there will always be another, because the problem isn’t the worries or the triggers, the problem is the underlying anxiety. And it’s the anxiety is what has to be tackled. But the symptoms won’t go away as long as the anxiety is there. So the anxiety has to go first and then the symptoms will follow, which means that there will be a period where there are symptoms which would usually trigger anxiety which have to be seen for what they are and not result in additional anxiety. The anxiety over the symptoms has to go first before the symptoms themselves subside. Otherwise it’s a self-fulfilling vicious, never-ending cycle.

So now I’ve established this:

• There’s nothing really wrong

• The only issue is anxiety

• Any symptoms are 100% attributable to the anxiety

• Seeing the symptoms for what they are and knowing that they will subside when the anxiety does if they are now allowed to cause additional anxiety helps to avoid needless spirals

• The anxiety itself will subside as the brain sees the pattern that:

o The worry that triggers the anxiety never actualizes

o Outcomes are usually neutral or positive

o Outcomes are never as bad as worried about

o The worry itself was not helpful

o The worrying was not harmful

o The worry was distressful

o The worry was unrealistic

o The worry was pointless

o The worry only kept me from enjoying the good reality

o Worry has no benefit such as helping avoid or cope with anything

o Worry is absolutely controllable, stoppable and postponable

o Worry has been replaced with positive thoughts and realistic views of myself and of the world around me

o I am in touch with my thoughts and can meditate on and think about many other things besides what-ifs and unrealistic worst-case scenarios

Drill, baby, drill!

Now, here’s something important to look at:

If the last two weeks and even months, when looked at by someone outside of my head, were typical, if not amazing, then that it is the fact: it was all good. Any turmoil was limited to my own brain. Hmm, so that means that life was and is great, yet in my own mind there was unwarranted and unrealistic fear and worry. That worry made me enjoy the reality a lot less than I would have had I been less in my own head and more involved in what was actually happening. Now, had my mind been in synch with the reality which was in fact great, I would have enjoyed it a lot more and most likely others would have as well. So what I’m asking of my brain and mind is to see the actual reality for what it really is and to just get with the program. Realize that everything has always turned out good, things are good right now, and things will be good in the future as well. And any fears or negative thoughts are just worries and not actuality or reality. Worries may appear real but we know for a fact based on the facts and extensive past experience that they are nothing other than worries that are not happening and which will never happen. That said, let’s let go of the fake worries and let’s focus on the actual reality.

And here’s an important advantage: Many people do really have realistic negativity in their lives as well as realistic worries. In their case, they still have to challenge their worries because as likely as they are to happen, they are still inactionable thoughts and worries that are not taking place at the time, and which may never actually happen, regardless of how likely. In my case, I do not need to look past real negativity or actual likely negative outcomes because there are none! I simply need to let go of the worry instinct and habit and get with the actuality and reality which is good! On top of all that, since I did not turn to anything that would compound the worry problem such as alcohol, illegal drugs, prescription drugs, etc. I don’t have anything other than the worry itself to get rid of! Isn’t that amazing?? I don’t have to see through any real problems, I don’t have to overcome any addictions, I didn’t let the worry stop me from doing anything at all, so there’s no harm done to my family life and job as a result, and I have plenty of positive things to turn to – so everything is the same, everything is amazing, I know that the feeling is one of worry and fear, I know that the fears have never actualized, I know that none of the fears are real at the present time, and I know why I am prone to worry, I know how to address the worries, I have seen success in tackling my fears, and I am chipping away at the general tendency to see or expect negativity. And the best part is that the subconscious brain is seeing a pattern: none of the fears and worries have ever actualized, none are actual at the moment, and as a result, it can deduce that none are likely to ever happen. So now Mr. Worry is left hanging out to dry, naked and exposed. It creates its own symptoms resulting from lack of focus and distraction and then points to them as “proof” that the worry is true. Oh, and it’s so pathetic, that it points to events that in the end were never even real and where I actually did the right and smart thing, and uses them to scare me. The scare itself triggers the panic even though the trigger was false to begin with. But I’ve got its number because I know that:

• There is nothing real to worry about

• The “evidence” to support the worry is either false, normal, or caused by the worry itself

• The worry has been proven false time and time again, and all past experience show them to be 100% false

• There is a ton of positive all around me that it’s trying to keep me from

So now we’re down to a problem with “worrying” itself – no other problems! The “proofs” are normal, false scares, or self-caused. So, knowing that it’s just worry and no real problems, the worry is on its own with no life support. Baseless worry. So why do I hold on to worry if it’s been proven baseless time and time again? Although my conscious brain is fully aware, perhaps my subconscious has not yet completely given up on the false belief that worry is:

• The most unlikely scenarios that have never actualized

• The most unlikely scenarios that will never actualize

• Unhelpful, useless, unbeneficial thoughts that will not and have never helped prepare for, prevent, or cope with a negative scenario

• Disruptive and distressing

• Controllable and stoppable

• Hurting me my preventing me from enjoying the joys of the great life I was granted

The brain only holds onto behaviors that it believes are helpful and beneficial. By the subconscious brain changing its beliefs about worry – and that’s all it is, worry – it will let go of that behavior because it will then know that it is not helpful or beneficial, and most of all that it is not even necessary or based in any fact. It only needs to look at the patterns of events to see that only positive has and will happen despite the worry, as realistic as it may have appeared at the time, and it will see that the worry never helped with anything and it only caused useless emotional distress. So that said, the brain which acts on instinct and self-preservation will let go of the underlying worry impulse, seeing that it was never necessary, is not needed, is unhelpful, has never been helpful, and can be easily stopped once it is clear that it is not needed and unwarranted. It also has the benefit of plenty of actuality to focus on, to distract itself from thinking too much about what isn’t happening. So all the facts, past historical proof and patterns, tools and knowledge are in place, the worry was isolated, and now it’s down to the impulse to worry for no reason at all. Now, the subconscious needs to continue to be drilled and flooded with this information until it changes its emotional and physical behavioral reactions, as a result of its cognitive modification about worry. It is happening and will continue to happen. Drill, baby, drill!

Challenging my false belief systems

To that end, this is what I have accomplished and will continue to reinforce:

1. I will not avoid exposure to the misfortunes of others, since avoidance does not solve anything and can actually reinforce the fear

2. I recognize that I react emotionally to the misfortunes of others in a manner that is beyond one individual sympathizing for another, but to the point where I actually internalize their misfortune and truly believe that I have, may have, or may one day have the same problem as them

3. I recognize that it is not a hard-wired reaction, but that it stems from a false belief system

4. I recognize that the false belief system is that if I sympathize enough and internalize their tragedy, I can either help them or prevent myself from having the same problem. I recognize that the false belief system involves fallacies related to hypochondria (if I know of an illness I am likely to get it myself or should try to avoid or prevent it; worrying about illnesses will help me prevent them, catch them earlier, or make me more able to cope if I do get them) and paranoia (thinking that if it’s bad and it’s out there, it’s likely to happen to me).

I challenge those belief systems, by knowing, understanding and reinforcing the facts that:

1. Sympathizing with other people’s tragedies does not help them at all

2. In fact, staying above and separate from their tragedy is more helpful. If every doctor would think they have what the patient has, they would have difficulty remaining separate enough to treat the patient, or if every firefighter would run into a burning building without safety equipment and a rescue plan, who will save the victims? A person needs to see other people’s problems as being the problems of the other person, and needs to care but not personalize and internalize it so that they can maintain their status as separate from the person with the problem, thus enabling them to help.

3. Knowing or hearing of a problem that someone else has does not make it any more likely that I will have that problem

4. Worrying that I may get the same issue that someone else has will not make me more able to prevent or cope with it if it does

5. Every time I did overly sympathize and internalize someone else’s illness, it never actualized and in many cases what their issue was not even applicable to me as a male, etc.

6. The people to whose misfortunes I’ve internalized throughout my life have been

i. Not me (exactly that: individuals other than me who should not be compared to me)

ii. Vastly different from me (unable to understand the trauma they experienced or see themselves objectively, etc.)

iii. Under extremely different circumstances from mine (victims of sexual abuse, extreme violence, war, tribal conflict, live in different parts of the world, etc.)

 I am adopting a healthy belief system that includes:

1. I am me. I am not anyone else and no one else is me. What happens to me applies to me and to me alone. What happens to others applies to the others alone. What happens to me does not apply to others. What happens to others does not apply to me. I am me and my life and experiences are my own. Others are just that – others – and their experiences apply to them alone. This includes TV commercials and movies portraying others as having illnesses, tragedies or painful conditions.

2. Overly sympathizing with or internalizing the tragedies or misfortunes of others does not help them at all with whatever they are experiencing

3. Overly sympathizing with or internalizing the tragedies or misfortunes of others inhibits my ability to remain separate from the other person’s problems, making it difficult to assist them if I can

4. Overly sympathizing with or internalizing the tragedies or misfortunes of others makes me miserable for no reason since it makes me worry, wonder, or experience something that I don’t actually have

5. Hearing about another’s misfortune does not make it any more likely that I too have or will experience their misfortune

6. Most misfortunes that I have been or will be exposed to in my lifetime are not applicable to me, or will never occur to me

7. I am a person who enjoys helping others and in order to do so I need to see others as others and myself as myself.

With the old, incorrect belief system debunked and my new belief system in place, I will begin to behave and react emotionally in accordance with my new and accurate belief system:

1. I will be able to observe myself as me – an individual, unique person with my own set of life experience, history and circumstances

2. I will be able to observe people and events as separate from me and inapplicable to me

3. I will sympathize for others by caring but not internalizing or personalizing their misfortunes

4. I will not fear that I am more likely to be a victim of the same misfortune that I am exposed to

5. I will realize that most other people’s circumstances are not applicable or relatable to me

6. I will assist others when I can as an individual who is completely separate, independent, different, and other than the person I am helping who understands and feels for what they are experiencing but who am not myself experiencing it, nor do I fear that I may have now or in the future whatever it is the other person is dealing with.

I will then proceed to know who I am:

1. A healthy

2. Strong

3. Determined

4. Accomplished

5. Ambitious

6. Mentally stable

7. Well-established

8. Intelligent

9. Great father

10. Great husband

11. Member of a great community

12. Whose children attend schools in the community

14. Active, participating and contributing member of my community

15. Great neighbor

16. Good friend

17. Good confidant

18. Helping hand when needed and wanted

19. Always happy and cheerful

20. Put together

21. Gainfully employed

22. Great employee

23. Great employer

24. Who established, runs and grows a great company

25. Respected by neighbors, colleagues, co-workers, community members, friends, etc.

26. Who has and enjoys a great life, relationships, living conditions, working conditions, etc. that I created and maintain.

27. Is a great sibling who is looked up to

I am not anyone else

Now, before I could believe in myself, I have to know who I am. But first and foremost, I need to know who I am not:

• I am not anyone else

• Everyone is different, individual and unique

• What applies to everyone else does not apply to me

• Someone else’s misfortune, tragedy, illness is not mine.

• Despite my conditioning in childhood, I am not benefitting others by sympathizing and taking on their misfortunes

• I am not benefitting myself by applying the misfortune of others to myself.

• I cannot avoid the misfortunes of others because avoidance is not helpful

• I need to learn to view the misfortunes or fortunes of others as an outsider – separate from them.

• Just as others are not me, I am not others.

Think about a doctor in a hospital. The doctor is conditioned to see himself as separate from his patients. If doctors would behave like I do emotionally, they would always be applying all of their patients’ illnesses to themselves and wonder if they themselves have the problems that their patients have. Similarly and possibly more intensely, a psychotherapist cannot engage with patients with severe mental illnesses and start to wonder if they too are going crazy, hearing voices, bipolar, schizophrenic, etc. Therapists need to see themselves as individuals unto themselves who went to school and obtained a degree in mental health. This independent individual, licensed to treat individuals with mental illness now opens a practice or works in a facility where s/he listens to patients who are separate people with their individual issues. The therapist speaks with them. The therapist diagnoses the patient. And the therapist treats the patient. The therapist does not become the patient or think that they may have the same issue as the patient.

Think about the therapist I called, the psychiatrist I contacted, or the neurologist I consulted with and visited. They see patients all day and hear about and get deeply involved in their issues. But they do not become intimate or personal with their issues. They understand the roles: I am me, the doctor, and you are you, the patient. You can tell me all about what you are experiencing and feeling and I will listen to your story and tell you want I think you can do to change the way you think, feel and behave.

I have a problem where my sympathetic portion of my brain is overly sensitized to things it perceives. That, coupled with paranoia and hypochondria, and you have an individual who is so overly sympathetic that every tragedy or illness triggers sympathy and personalization of the other person’s tragedy. One night I’m listening to a news story about mental health issues resulting from years of war in Liberia and thinking that the severe mental illnesses resulting from the extreme trauma the people there incurred applies to me, and the next morning I’m reading the transcript of Michael Jackson’s last words, and thinking that I have the same mental disorder that he had and that ultimately resulted in his early death.

The common denominator is that in both cases:

• I am applying things that happened to others to myself

• The individuals to whom I am comparing myself are extremely, beyond the ability to contrast, different from me

• The individuals to whom I am comparing myself have endured trauma that is extremely, beyond the ability to contrast, different from me

• The individuals whose issues I am “adopting” are extremely, beyond the ability to contrast, different from each other

• The individuals whose issues I am “adopting” don’t benefit from me internalizing their tragedy

• The individuals whose issues I am “adopting” do not want me to internalize their tragedy

• The individuals whose issues I am “adopting” would never care enough about me to internalize my tragedies

This is not a hardwire issue as described earlier. It is a learned behavior. I got it from my father who conditioned me to believe that if you have enough worry, sympathy and pain for someone else, you may actually be able to help them or make their problems easier to handle.

The problem is, that it’s not true. In fact, it’s the furthest thing from the truth. And since it’s not true, it needs to be changed. And the way to change the behavior of internalizing and reacting emotionally to the tragedies of others is to:

• Recognize and acknowledge the behavior or emotional reaction

• Recognize that it stems from a false belief system

• Recognize what the false belief system

• Challenge the false belief system to prove that it is in fact false

• Adopt a healthy belief system

• Begin to react behaviorally and emotionally based on the true belief system.

No action to be taken

Interestingly, my wife just emailed a link to an article saying that a 25-year-old actress is in therapy for a panic and anxiety disorder. In her case, she described her fear as:

“I think too much and overanalyze things. I'll start worrying about my parents or my dog, and I'll picture him opening the window of my apartment and falling out, even though I can't get that thing open myself."

In her case, she becomes anxious and panicky about the fear that her dog may open and leap out of the window. Now, if it were a true concern or a real possibility, she would go home and ensure that the windows are bolted shut or dog-proofed, or she would have someone watch or check on her dog. But because it is not a realistic fear, she does not take any action. This perception of danger with nothing to do about it result in panic and anxiety as the brain feels trapped, thinking that something is or may go terribly wrong and there is nothing I can do about it. But the reality is that there is nothing wrong or that may realistically go terribly wrong, and that’s the very reason she is taking no action. And, that if there were in fact an actual or possible danger, there are actions to be taken and she would take action. The brain is confusing the lack of action actually being taken (due to the reality that there is no danger and therefore no action to take), with the lack of action to be taken (in the event of a true emergency).

So to get at the core, I need to look past all the symptoms and the lack of action being taken and to realize at the core that there is in fact nothing wrong, and therefore no action to be taken, and as a result, no action is being taken. It is all imagination, what-if, worst-case scenario prediction and fortune telling, and not actual or factual. And there is no action to be taken for an imaginary what-if. And that’s why no action is being taken.

So let’s roll it back:

• I am not taking an action

• Because there is no action to be taken

• Because there is no actual situation to react to

• Because the danger is in my imagination

• And my imagination is causing me to be anxious

• Which is causing symptoms that reinforce my imaginary fears

• And since the symptoms are a result of anxiety

• And the anxiety is a result of an imaginary fear

• And the imaginary fear is not real or realistic

• There is no reason for anxiety

• And there is no point in focusing on imaginary situations

• And instead I should be focusing on the reality

• And reacting to it physically and emotionally

• All the time, knowing that if there were ever a true and actual situation, there is action to be taken and I would take it.

Also to note:

• A doctor or emergency responder can treat a real situation or emergency

• But a doctor cannot treat an imagined problem. You cannot tell a doctor to treat a wound you don’t have or a wound you are afraid you may get.

• A firefighter can’t put out a fire in a building you are afraid will go up in flames

• There is either no real problem and therefore no one to call because there is nothing that can be done

• Or there is a real problem, and things to do about it

• Or there is no problem, no reason to worry, no benefit to worrying, and no one to call and nothing to do

• And while there is no reason to worry about what might happen, there is reason to focus instead on what is happening, to be in the present and enjoy it

• To not get wrapped up in imaginary fears that there is nothing to do about

• And to get wrapped up in what is actually happening, where there is what can be done about it – enjoy it.

And the key point:

• While a doctor or emergency responder can treat a true situation, it is only I myself who can provide the reassurance that I am okay when there is no real situation.

• A doctor would say there is nothing for me to treat

• And his reassurance that I am okay would not last because what if something goes wrong in the future? What if there’s something wrong and the doctor doesn’t know or missed it?

• That’s where I myself come in: I need to reassure myself that I am okay, and I need to trust and believe in myself and my reassurances.

The darkest moments come right before the light

What is needed most is for me to trust myself when I reassure myself. I no longer see anyone else’s reassurance as comforting so I am only left with me. and that’s a scary thought, but in truth it is empowering. It’s good to know that in a true emergency there is police, ambulance and fire departments to call. There are also doctors and emergency rooms. But for the daily, standard issues like muscle twitches, muscle spasms, anxiety attacks, etc., I need to rely on myself and self-soothe. I, my conscious brain, knows the facts: that there is nothing seriously wrong. In fact, if there were, I would be going to a doctor, taking a pill, or calling emergency services. But I’m not because I know the cause and resolution to whatever is happening, be it real or imagined. But I need to learn to trust my own reassurance because it is the only true reassurance. Self-belief is all we have at the end of the day! When I start to have some anxiety and it results in muscle twitches, then I know for a fact based on what’s happening now and on past experience that it is a symptom of the anxiety and not a separate issue to be anxious about. So knowing that, I should:

• Not panic about the physiological anxiety symptoms

• Relax

• Address the reason for the anxiety and realize that it is simply an unnecessary fear about an unfactual worry

• Look at my surroundings and all of the good things in my life that are actually happening

• Cease to worry

• Cease to react emotionally to non-factual worries

• Begin to react emotionally to the facts – to the gratitude at having a job with a great salary and a beautiful family and a happy home to go to after work with no commute or added stress

• Be excited to go out tonight and have a break from the kids and spend some romantic special time with my wife

Trust myself! Be soothed and reassured by myself! Know that there is help in the event of a true emergency! Believe myself! Be as generous to myself as I would be toward someone else in the same situation who I would reassure by telling them that it’s just from the anxiety and will go away with the anxiety. Start to get in touch with what is really happening. Take the emotional and physiological reactions away from what is not real. Start to put those emotions and reactions into what is real and is really happening. I am at my great job, surrounded by great people, with room for growth, and have a great home and family to go home to and a fun, enjoyable, peaceful night planned. No more useless, unnecessary fear and panic about non-factual and improbable worries. Only love, joy, happiness and gratitude about the great fortune that is tangible, actual, factual, and perceivable with the five senses!

One of the self-assurances that needs to take place – and effective immediately – is that I’m not going crazy!!! You see, my brain is a silly little thing that likes to play games with itself. And when all else fails, as it has, because there is nothing in fact to be anxious about, my brain turns to the most intangible and vague irrational fears – that I’m going crazy. Because who can argue with that, right? If I’m thinking crazy things, then in my head I must be going crazy. And since it’s thoughts, then it doesn’t matter what others say, because even though I’m acting normal, my thoughts feel crazy. And that’s the ultimate frontier that I am now facing and challenging and will successfully overcome as I did everything else. My brain is backed into a corner where it received all of the medical clearance it could ever want or need, all of the external validation and all of the assurances that I am okay based on testing and behavior. So it pulls out its last weapon: thoughts. Sure, all of the medical tests are perfect and you were reassured that you are normal, but no one can tell you that you are normal in your thoughts, because only you know your own thoughts. So there! Gotcha! And then the brain reinforces this nonsense by using every little misstep or misstatement – which for anyone else would be considered normal and laughed at – or thought, to validate this fear. And when there aren’t any such thoughts, it creates them and then points to them as proof of mental illness. Then, anxiety ensues, fueled by the fear that I’m losing my mind. Anxiety then results in lack of attention to and focus on surroundings, and a sense of detachment, along with the fear that I’m going crazy. These symptoms of the anxiety result in weird thoughts or actions. These anxiety symptoms further fuel the fear of mental illness that originally triggered the anxiety in the first place, so it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Before confronting the issue it is important to remember that the darkest moments are right before the light, so it is actually a good sign that the brain is pulling out its most desperate weapon of last resort – the weapon of thoughts. It shows that all else has been confronted and now the final battle has arrived. Like in a video game or an action movie, the first battles involve the faceless minions of the big boss, but then the final scene always involves a battle royal with the most notorious enemy leader. But when the battle royal comes, you also know that the ultimate victory is near. So the deeper the darkness, the more cornered and desperate the enemy is, and the closer the breakthrough. The key is not succumbing at the last moments, staying strong, and then having the opportunity to break through into the light. And that’s what I am going to do!

FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real

One consistent pattern that I’ve come to notice is this: With no exception whatsoever, every single good thing in my life is real and actual, and every single source of panic has been consistently false, irrational, what-if, worst-case scenario, unlikely, unrealistic, non-factual, and in many cases ridiculous or inapplicable. But for some reason, my brain is causing an emotional reaction of fear about the unreal worries, and is not causing the emotional reaction needed for what is real and actual. In other words, looking at reality and what my conscious brain perceives, I should have emotions of joy, love and happiness about what is really happening to me and in my life, and should have no emotional reaction of fear about what is not actually happening and what is also unlikely or impossible to ever happen.

That said, a cognitive shift needs to take place in my subconscious where it needs to bring the real, actual and tangible out of a background blur and into sharp focus, and then cause emotional reactions to those realities, and it needs to face the non-factual and unrealistic fears into the background where they may pop up from time to time, but for which no strong or persistent emotional reaction is warranted. It’s like in a movie scene where the camera focuses on the actor in the foreground and blurs the background, and then refocuses in a way where the foreground becomes a blur and the background comes into clear focus. Right now, the background – fears, illusions, non-facts – is in focus and inducing reactions such as worry, anxiety and panic, while the foreground – the actual, factual good reality – is a blur. But that needs to be reversed, and it will be reversed and my subconscious brain gradually catches on to the fact that the reality is the priority and thus deserving of emotional reaction and attention, while the worries and fears which are not facts need to fade to the deep background where they may pop up from time to time, but only in the background, briefly, and without resulting in a strong or sustained emotional reaction.

Again, Mr. Subconscious: You have things backward. You are prioritizing and reacting emotionally to fears which, as you know, are False Evidence Appearing Real. Sure, it appears real, but the fact is that it’s not, and does not warrant or deserve an emotional reaction of panic or fear. At the same time, you are blurring the facts and realities, all of which are good, and all of which do warrant and deserve an emotional reaction because they are real. Simply pay attention to the conscious brain and the five senses. They are your indicators of what is real and warrants reaction. If you can see, taste, touch, hear, or smell something, then it is real and you should react to it, for better or for worse. If, however, you cannot see, taste, touch, hear or smell it, then it is imaginary and not factual and does not warrant or deserve any emotional reaction. Perhaps in the past it was necessary to blur the harsh reality and focus on imagining a different reality and reacting to the imaginary, but now things are different, I have matured and have learned to face reality for better or for worse and to see and react to things as they actually are and the imaginary needs to fade to the background and the reality that is tangible with the five senses and the conscious brain needs to come to the foreground and be emotionally reacted to.

From reassurance to self-assurance

The next item to address is self-assurance. You see, this entire episode of anxiety was triggered by one thing: when the final rug of external reassurance was pulled out from under me. Since this entire chapter was preceded by that event and is clearly related to it, there is no question in my mind that it is one of the core issues at hand. My entire life, I turned to others for reassurance. Since I was not imbued with a healthy self-confidence, I always made it a habit to seek out the reassurances of others. I turned to friends, doctors, siblings, etc. to tell me that I’m doing a great job, that I’m a good person, and that I’m going to be okay. I lived with the illusion – or rather delusion – that I can rely on others to imbue me with the self-confidence that I needed. But that only worked to a point. As I matured, I began to see the cracks in my reassurers. I started to see their weaknesses, that they had vulnerabilities too. And in my image, as described earlier, I always believed that the person providing reassurance needs to be invincible which was why I suppressed my emotions since I felt I needed to in order to provide reassurance to others. I held those who provided me with reassurance to the same standard, needing to see them as invincible. So when I started to see that the doctor I went to for reassurance also got sick, the neurologist had a heart attack himself, my guidance counselor had a son who died a slow horrible death before age 5, and that my friend who was my source of reassurance was going through a painful and depressing health issue.

For some reason, this exposure of the humanity and vulnerability of the people I looked to for reassurance removed the facade that I had created of invincible heroes. To me, if they were vulnerable how could they reassure me?

So one of the new realizations that came with my maturity and growth was that all that is left is me. I can no longer rely on others to provide the reassurance I need, because at the end of the day, no one really can. Only I can reassure myself that I’m a good person and a good husband, father, sibling, son, employee, employer and friend. Because at the end of the day, I am with myself all day and only I can provide for myself what I always sought from others. I became addicted to running to doctors and others for a constant pat on the back. But those people can only handle so much; they don’t live with me, and they are not inside my head. Even my wife’s reassurance is limited by the amount of time and patience she has to provide while she manages a home and four children. And at the end of the day, she goes to sleep and I’m there lying in bed with my own thoughts.

And that leaves just me. Only I need to have the self-assurance, self-confidence and self-esteem that will be with me the entire day and night, since only I am with myself at all times. And only I am in my own head. And only I know myself best.

I was a reassurance addict. Like a person addicted to dopamine, I was addicted to reassurance. And as is the case with a dopamine addiction where the brain, sensing the steady supply of external dopamine stops producing it naturally. Then when the addict stops taking dopamine there is a period of withdrawal, where the person is no longer receiving external dopamine and the brain has not yet resumed natural dopamine production. That leaves a void, and that void is distressing because there is a temporary lack of the needed chemical. That is what leads addicts to resume their habit because the withdrawal is so painful. But if they would just hold out until the brain adapts to the lack of external infusions and kicks in with natural production, they would be alright. It is a matter of having the strength and willpower to hold out during the temporary withdrawal.

And that’s what happened with me. I was a reassurance addict, so I never learned to reassure myself and to have the confidence and self-esteem I needed. Then when the façade of external reassurance was broken and there were no longer any external infusions of reassurance, withdrawal set in because my own brain did not pick up the slack and start to provide me with the self-assurance I always needed. Like with addiction recovery, it is extremely important that I ride out this withdrawal period, all the while tapping into my own, endless supply of self-assurance and self-esteem.

Luckily, I have accomplished and achieved so much in my lifetime thus far and have so much love and support coming my way that I have the tools needed to tap into my own supply of self-esteem and ego. It is now a matter of doing the work of learning to self-soothe and self-assure, and not continue to seek external reassurance. I need to experience the void so that I can kick in with my own sense of self.

But I am imperfect. And I believed until now that heroes need to be invincible. And that’s where the changing of false belief systems comes in. Even heroes cry; heroes bleed; heroes are vulnerable; heroes are human; and heroes need their own heroes. And that’s okay, because nobody is perfect. But we are perfect for ourselves. I am learning to trust and believe in myself and to boost myself, to tell myself that I’ve got it, that I’m okay, that I’m going to be okay, that I’m talented, accomplished and self-sufficient. And I have what to show for it. But I need to believe it. I need to look at myself and tell myself that I am capable of knowing and taking care of myself. And most of all, I am capable of appreciating myself for who I am. My children may look up to me, my wife may love me, and my co-workers may appreciate me, but those external boosts are not lasting. It is only when I can look at myself and tell myself who I am and believe it, that I will be a satisfied individual who does not look to others for reassurance.

And I am well on my way. I stopped going to my employer; I pretty much stopped going to doctors; I use my wife as a support but not as a source of self-esteem. And I am working on facing myself and raising my own ego and self-esteem. And I’m getting there. Step one is recognizing the problem. Step two is stopping to depend on others for reassurance. Step three is where I come in and fill the void and provide myself with the self-belief that I need and that will be with me 24/7/365.

I’m a trooper, forging ahead, recognizing my false belief systems, discarding them, replacing them with true and healthy beliefs, and then tapping into myself – my emotions and my self-belief – to fill the void. And then I will be whole. And more whole than I ever was before. I have my whole life ahead of me and many more years to enjoy once the new me emerges!