Finding healthy, non-physiological outlets for anxious energy

That said, where I stand now, is that all of that self-work has brought things to a point of stability, a jumping off point from where I now need to grow and progress as a person, as a man, as a 30-year-old, as a husband, as a father, as an employee, and as an employer. But once the drowning person gets out of the quicksand, the motivation to go any further than the dry beach can wear off, because the relief of no longer being sucked into the eternal abyss of darkness sucks the motivation to advance right out of you.

But fortunately (and, debatably, unfortunately), my mind is on a roll now, and is not content with standing still. My worst nights were the last few in which I had no anxiety or thoughts to address. And at just about the same time, my jaw tension returned with a vengeance, and some symptoms of anxiety have come as well. Which is what I was getting at earlier: my body senses anxiety before my conscious mind is aware of it. That’s because the nerves react to the subconscious brain even before the conscious brain knows what is happening. So for me, the key is to see past it all and look for the message that my body is giving me: that I have unresolved anxiety, frustration, and other strong emotions that are causing my nerves to react, which are causing my muscles to hold tension and stress, and which are causing me to clench my jaw in my sleep – the exact time of day that only the subconscious brain is in control. So it’s obvious that my subconscious is feeling some anxiety and is causing reactions to it – and instead of becoming anxious about those symptoms or running to doctors to treat the very symptoms of anxiety – I am listening to my brain and to my body and looking for the anxiety and strong feelings that it is holding and trying to address them.

But just like with the major anxiety disorder that I have recovered from, there is no quick fix, and the underlying anxiety has to go before the symptoms. Since the anxiety needs to go first, it is imperative that the vicious cycle resulting from allowing the symptoms of anxiety, as emotionally or physically painful as they may be at times, from resulting in their own anxiety. I will and am beginning to identify, target, uncover and address the anxiety my brain is holding so that I will have more restful sleep, more relaxed muscles, calm nerves, and a more positive and progressive view of myself and my life. And, as always, it is a slow and gradual process, and it is important to stay the course.

Importantly, I will also be working on encouraging my subconscious that even when there is some level of stress and anxiety, there is no need for the intensity that it displays in the form of holding tension in my body, muscle spams, etc. There are ways to deal with things, and the instinct should not be physiological effects in the form of pain, tension, discomfort, etc.

So the journey onward and upward starts now. I have identified two beliefs that I hold onto that color my life and my outlook, and I will begin the process of challenging and disproving those beliefs, and then changing them. Changing the cognition will, as proven, modify the resulting behaviors, both physical and emotional, and will thus result in a happier, more quality-filled life. Here goes!

Stepping back to acknowledge the progress so far

The next thing to acknowledge is the amazing ability for the body to detect and react to anxiety, even before the conscious mind is aware of it. It’s amazing. It really is. Time after time, I would feel some muscle twitches, realize that I am holding tension in my jaw, or even feel an anxiety attack coming on, all without even realizing that I am actually anxious. But thank G-d, I know what is causing them, and I have the ability to see past them, and tune into my mind to try and determine why my body is holding tension or reacting to anxiety. I can then address the anxiety, and with time, the symptoms subside as well.

What happened was, I plateaued. I got out of the extreme anxiety attacks and the darkness and gloom that I suffered in for months. It took a lot of effort as this document will show. I clawed and churned and worked my way out of it until I reached a point of stability – no more uncontrollable spirals into anxiety and panic; no more sleepless nights; no more emotional distress.

And that’s when I reached a point of complacency. I was getting decent nights’ sleep, the TMJ pain has subsided for the most part, and things were stable. But, you see, here’s the problem. I am a person who is not happy with complacency, with good enough, and with plateaus and stability. Day after day of repetitious behavior and activities is not good enough for me. I need to keep forging ahead, growing, advancing, and becoming a better person. I tried focusing on what I mean to my wife and children and how they are benefiting from my daily existence thinking that it would give me the sense of fulfillment that I need in order to enjoy and appreciate each day of my life. But that was simply falling back on the external feedback mechanism, where I used to define myself by how others perceived me, and now here I was, or rather, am, defining and valuating my existence by the effect it had on others. For many people this works: they feel worthy and fulfilled based on the value, honor or prestige bestowed on them by others, and they value their days based on the effect they had on others and what they contributed to the world and their loved ones.

For many, that is enough, but for I, who am going through an existential crisis for lack of a better word, that is not enough. I need to know who I am, what I am doing here, what my value is to myself, what I am, what I am to me, and why I am on this earth, and the purpose of waking up each day as it relates to my own life and existence. I also need to understand and feel the need and desire to advance in life. I am not happy just standing still, but at the same time, I don’t feel any passion other than to stay where I am and just get through the days. But that’s not doing it for me. Sure, there are exciting events coming up such as birthdays, upsherin, etc., but for some reason, I need more. I need me. I need to be able to say to myself each morning, “wow, good thing I woke up this morning because…” Now, that reason may be because of something need to do for someone else, but it needs to be something internalized, something that I feel in my essence that makes me feel like each day is valuable and meaningful, as opposed to just another day to get through as best as possible, do the best I can, get to bed, and then do it all over again. That may work for many, but it does not work for me. In fact, perhaps it does not work for many, since 1 in 10 adults are on antidepressants and according to the symptoms described by them, 3 in 10 should be.

But before going further, it must be repeated that the progress made to date is astounding! On August 10, I was racing to the doctor in the worst panic of my life, ready to take the leap I had avoided until then, which was to start taking prescription medication for anxiety and panic. It was that day that he prescribed the Xanax, and when I first took it. Now it is November 7, less than 3 months from that fateful day, after which things became even worse at times, and here I am, having been off of the medication for over a month, without having seen a psychiatrist, psychotherapist, or medical doctor, and I am not in emotional distress, I am sleeping through the nights, I am functioning well through my days, I am no longer agoraphobic, I exude a positive aura, I have come out of my shell at home and at work and I am able to enjoy my family and try to grow personally, and I enjoy my workplace, my coworkers, and my career, and I look forward to advancing within it. Pain no longer sends me into panic, bad news does not result in a spiral of anxiety, and I no longer feel as though I am losing my mind. Wow! I am so amazed at what I have been able to accomplish in so short a time! Things got so bad and distressful that I actually called a psychiatrist at one point and was ready to start taking antidepressants…I called a psychotherapist and was ready to to start therapy sessions. I was ready to just give up and accept that I would most likely have to live a life of extreme emotional distress, which either way was not an option. I almost lost my wife and kids over it. It was so bad. October 8 was one of the worst days of my life when I took my anxiety and panic to the limit and felt like I was just going to explode, die, go insane, who knows? And here I am a few months later and the difference is night and day(break)!

And, to get some perspective on where things stand, amazingly, when I spoke with the hotshot therapist about possibly using him for treatment, all he could offer was that it required a minimum of a 6 month commitment, and that even after 6 months, most people did “better” at most, and for many, therapy didn’t even work. And worse, he wouldn’t even be able to see me for at least a week from then, and then only once a week, and I was in need of instant relief, as distressed as I was.

So regardless of whatever anxiety is left or whatever symptoms of unresolved anxiety I am currently experiencing, or whatever symptoms of anxiety such as muscle twitches, occasional muscle spasms, pain, etc., I need to keep things in perspective: By making the decision to slowly churn the meat-grinder and turn back the emotional and psychological wheels, get control of my overactive mind, and challenge and replace negative and false beliefs. To be out of the emotional abyss is one of the most amazing feelings ever, and to have come this far in so short a time without any outside help, is truly a miracle, and for that I am extremely thankful.

Avoiding the Anxiety Snowball Effect

Now the topic at hand is challenging two of my false beliefs that I hold that will target some of my anxiety. I need to focus on targeting my anxiety and, as a result, on calming my nerves, because I realize that I am holding onto anxiety in the following ways:

1.     I am holding tension in my jaw

2.     My eyelid keeps fluttering/twitching

3.     I feel tightness in my neck/shoulders/upper back

4.     I feel occasional spasms in various areas

5.     I am having intense, disturbed sleeps

First, it is extremely important that I ensure that these symptoms do not induce their own anxiety, since they themselves are symptoms of anxiety and will subside together with the anxiety. They key is to target, identify, address and eliminate the underlying anxiety, and as a result, the symptoms of anxiety will disappear as well as has been proven time and again in the past.

But first, realized something:

Anger and frustration about what I am enduring, and about what others are enduring, is not helpful. It will not change anything for me or for them. So I need to work on acceptance of what does or does not apply to me, and to focus on working to make the best of it.

So the first thing I am going to do not, is understand that anything I am feeling now is simply a result of anxiety and will only make things worse if they trigger their own anxiety. I will let them come and go, flow with them, accept them and let them pass when they are ready. They are simply a nervous reaction to anxiety and will pass with the anxiety. All focus will go toward the root cause – the anxiety itself.

Secondly, I accept my reality for what it is, and I am thankful that it is as good as it is, and not any worse, and that the bad is not that bad and is far from as bad as it could be. I am also thankful that even the bad, as uncomfortable and painful as it could be at times, is nothing more than a symptom of anxiety, and that I have the proven tools for dealing with anxiety.

Thirdly, I am infinitely thankful that in so short a time – less than 3 months – I have been able to successfully get myself out of the abyss of extreme anxiety and panic – the type that was so bad, that death seemed like a blessing. I lived in emotional darkness and was agoraphobic of my bedroom and my office. I saw the possibility of getting hit by a truck as a blessing which tells you how bad I felt at times. Now, I am out of the emotional abyss, and it cannot be said that it was the absence of triggers as has been in the past during anxiety downtimes, rather now G-d has shown me in the way of intense symptoms, that the anxiety level itself, and the anxiety auto-reaction has subsided substantially. This is actually a blessing in disguise because absent it I really had no way of knowing whether the underlying anxiety was actually addressed, or whether it was simply a break in the symptoms. Now I can say for certain that the extreme anxiety has been drastically reduced and controlled.

We're all in the same boat...so I'd may as well be happy!

So now that the impulsive anxiety and panic have been addressed and managed, I would like to take a new direction, because I now realize the following: I’m normal and I’m just like everyone else! Everything I feel, fear, worry about, think about, and obsess about are things that the entire world worries about.

·         We are all going to die one day and we are all afraid of it

·         We all fear becoming seriously or terminally ill

·         We all fear losing a loved one

·         We all fear the possibility of a family member or a loved one becoming ill or dying

·         We all fear losing our jobs

·         We all have some type of emotional or physical condition that we have to live with. For some it’s a bad back, a bad neck, a bad knee, a chronic condition, allergy, syndrome, IBS, Chrons, physical deformity, high blood pressure, diabetes, and the list goes on. And if it’s not a physical issue, it’s an emotional issue such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders, OCD, etc. And if it’s not that, it could be addiction or substance abuse. And if not that, it could be financial hardships. And for many it’s a combination of a few of those. And that’s not even counting the terminal illnesses; I am only referring to the illnesses that people have to live with for their entire lives. And no one is immune to it. as happy as anyone seems, if you dig deep enough you will discover the physical or emotional pain and/or fear that the person lives with.

So we all either have something that we live and deal with, and we all have fears. So what’s the difference between one person and the next? No one had a perfect upbringing; no one has no emotional or physical pain; no one is safe from ever becoming seriously ill; no one is safe from death; no one is safe from ever losing a loved one. We are all imperfect and we are all just as vulnerable. But somehow, some people look happier than others; some are positive about life and some are negative about life; some are depressed and others are not. If we’re all in the same boat, then what’s the difference between the different outlooks various people have about life? All things even, I’d rather join the group of happy people who enjoy life, who live in the present, who see the good, who minimize the bad, and who choose to live until they die, to be healthy until they get sick, rather than to waste their entire lives dying a thousand deaths or worrying about an illness that never comes, or trying to protect themselves from a certain death, only to die in a completely unexpected way. If I’m in the same boat as the rest of the world, I’d may as well enjoy the ride and be happy!

Before exploring this further, I must say that another reality check is that now that it is established that everyone is dealing with the same things and are in the same boat, not everyone who looks happy and well-adjusted really is. Many people deal with their fears and emotional pain, anxiety and worry by either drinking alcohol, taking excessive prescription medications, and abusing illegal drugs, and many people simply hide their feelings and put on a happy face while they deal with their fears and anxieties inside. So even among the “happy” people class there are many who are not as happy as it may appear. This further narrows down the pool of happy people who really enjoy life despite all of the realities mentioned above.

That said, before continuing to work toward joining the happy people, I must first list my advantages going in, all of which I am extremely thankful for:

·         I am not addicted to any substances which would only complicate the underlying issue, so whatever the issues are, they are what they are and nothing more

·         I am not on any mood-altering medication or substance, so I can always know what I am really feeling and address it accurately. This allows me to:

o   Be spared any withdrawal/rebound symptoms

o   Know if what I’m doing is actually effective

o   Be able to proceed once something is dealt with, without having the additional issue problem of weaning off of meds

·         Thankfully, I don’t have any debilitating, chronic pain

·         Thankfully, I don’t have any debilitating emotional issues that would affect my ability to get through the day, function, and enjoy my family and my life.

·         Thankfully, I don’t have any serious illnesses

So that said, going in:

·         I am me as I am, under no influences whatsoever.

·         I don’t have any serious issues that need to be addressed.

·         Anything I do have, I’ve had before and it’s gone away.

·         The pain I do have, as bad as it is, is not life-altering or really debilitating.

·         The pain I have is not constant and I know the cause and eventual solution and management.

·         I know that the pain is not indicative of, nor is it likely to result in, anything serious.

·         I have learned to not allow the pain to result in an anxiety attack or to be blown out of proportion to what it really is.

·         I know that there is no one to call and nowhere to go – which at one point made me feel helpless, but now makes me feel empowered to figure out what it is, what the best way to manage and eliminate it is, and the best way to prevent it in the future.

Overmaginification of the negative and minimization of the positive

Here’s a brainstorm that hit me last night in bed. I was wondering what the point of life is if in one moment it could be turned upside down by death or illness. Why work so hard at a future when it’s going to end eventually, and we don’t know from minute to minute what the next second will bring. So why even bother?

 

 

Before even addressing the question, I first want to acknowledge two things that I know and accept upfront, whether I feel it or not:

·        My premise is wrong. Thousands of years of existence of the human race and billions of people today who are all living their lives and working hard to progress and advance and accomplish and who do not have this view. So the fact that the extreme majority of the population does not have this overly negative view of life and the world is proof positive that it is not the popular or truthful view.

·        My view is wrong. In fact, people who have this view are the ones who need therapy to change their view, not the other way around. A person with a positive outlook on life is considered healthy and happy, while people with a negative view on life that leads them to think negatively about things are the ones who need therapy and counseling to help them change their incorrect, false and inaccurate negative outlook.

·        My facts are wrong. Despite the sensationalism of disaster and tragedy, the fact remains that we live in the best of times, when death and disease are at their lowest levels in history, and disease, when it does occur is usually treatable or manageable. We also have the best preventive health tools available, have the best emergency response systems, the most advanced medical and rescue technology and unsurpassed safety standards in history. Of course, when tragedy or disaster does occur it is sensationalized, because good news doesn’t sell – only bad news. But our brains only absorb what they are fed. We read the news each day and see negativity and tragedy and horror. We hear of 5 bad news stories. But we don’t hear of the millions of non-horror stories that consist of neutral good stories (as if there is such thing, because even when things are ‘neutral’ they are miraculous), and the countless good news stories:

o   How many people are healthy?

o   How many people have jobs to go to?

o   How many people got married?

o   How many people got engaged?

o   How many people had babies?

o   How many people became pregnant?

o   How many people found new jobs?

o   How many people were released from hospitals?

o   How many people had minor illnesses that were easily treatable?

o   How many people were cured from serious illnesses?

o   How many illnesses were prevented?

o   How many people stopped their addictive behaviors?

o   How many people had a health concern, had a test and the test results were good?

o   How many people had a health concern, had a test and the test results were not as bad as feared and is easily treatable?

o   How many people drove to work and did not get into a car accident?

o   How many people did get into a car accident but it was minor and no one was injured?

o   How many people made a new friend?

o   How many people found a new opportunity in life?

o   How many enemies made peace?

o   How many people are happy?

o   How many children learned something new today?

o   How many children were provided with the tools needed to develop into healthy, well-adjusted adults?

o   And the list goes on, ad infinitum…

But those things don’t make news, which leaves our brains to see the relatively minor and statistically insignificant as the only facts, which results in….drumroll please….overmaginification of the negative, and minimization of the positive…when in fact the negative is the minority and the positive is the norm and the majority. But fed and overfed with exclusively negativity, the brain has no perspective…it needs a scale, a full, big picture, to enable it to keep the negative in a realistic perspective.

So going in, I already know what the truth is and that my perspective is grossly inaccurate. My goal is to internalize the truth that I know and accept, because although I may not feel the reality of the truth, is till know it as fact and am willing to work toward internalizing it. So we’re off to a pretty good start because there is no need to convince me of what the truth is, only to internalize it and live it.

The Core Issue: Health Anxiety and Hypochondria

Now here’s the next thing that needs to be written about, contemplated on, and then internalized and acted upon, because now that the extreme anxiety has subsided, this gets to the core issue that has plagued me my entire life and which initially started this entire episode in the first place. In order to learn to eliminate the anxiety, I need to get rid of the cause of the anxiety in the first place.

The anxiety I am referring to is health anxiety. The big pink elephant in the room. While dealing with the generalized anxiety that it caused, it went under the radar for some time, but it now needs to be addressed. Health anxiety and hypochondria is a tough one because no one can offer or guarantee certainty and no one is immune from health-related issues. The only thing that can be expected for a hypochondriac is that:

·        I learn about the true statistical possibilities (read: realistic unlikelihood) of the things I worry about actually happening

·        I see from historical patterns that what I worry about most never happens

·        I learn that I do not want, need, and can and do live without certainty

·        I learn that worrying about health will not help me prevent or cope with anything anyhow

·        I can learn to simply live in the present and appreciate and enjoy it, since the future is unpredictable and all we have is the present, so we’d may as well enjoy and live it

·        I can see aches and pains for what they are and not panic about or predict the worst. Most things are minor or temporary, and when/if in the unlikely situation something serious does ever happen, I will know without having to wonder and even then it is usually not that serious or is easily treatable

·        I can realize that everyone has to deal with some type of health-related issues since we are all human and imperfect, and the main thing is to appreciate that what I do have to deal with occasionally is not any more serious than it is and will resolve.

·        I can internalize and learn that reading or hearing about something does not have to result in psychosomatic, anxiety-caused symptoms, and it does not make it any more likely that the fact that I now know about it means that I am more likely to get it.

·        Most of all, I can learn to trust in G-d, thank him every day for the health that I, my family and my loved ones enjoyed until today and continue to enjoy today, and hope and pray that we will continue to enjoy it, and that everyone will continue to be enjoy good and even better health.

But first, we have to go over the progress so far:

·        I am no longer looking for problems

·        I am no longer panicking about things as much as I did

·        I am not running to specialists or doctors

·        I am waiting things out

·        I am looking for the causes of things

·        I am trying to figure out how to self-solve things

·        I am looking for the underlying anxiety that caused or resulted from whatever health concern I have and focusing on eliminating the anxiety

·        I am nor obsessing about pains or concerns

·        I am not driving others nuts about them

·        I am working on not letting other people’s issues affect or be internalized by me

·        I am not jumping to medications – even OTC meds – and instead trying relaxation and other techniques to relieve things that I know are fundamentally not serious

"Spot the anxiety"

Another amazing thing I’ve noticed is that, no matter what I’m feeling, what I need to do and realize is this:

• Always play “spot the anxiety”. What I mean by that, is that what ends up happening is that the symptoms of anxiety and the feelings and sensations caused by it seem to cycle and try to start a new bout of anxiety. The trick is to say, hey I’ve been through this before, been around the anxiety spiral, etc. and what did it come down to in the end? Just anxiety. So let’s skip all the wasted time and let’s identify the underlying anxiety and deal with that, and whatever the symptom is will evaporate once the anxiety that caused it is addressed.

• Regardless of the feeling itself, if as is usually the case, the cause is anxiety itself, then no matter how tempting or logical it may seem to address the feeling, sensation, issue, etc. being experienced at the time, the fact is and has always been that if it is caused by anxiety then it will self-resolve along with the anxiety itself. So the key is to go for the anxiety at the core. Now, sometimes, the way to go after the anxiety is to deal with the external issue such as the purpose of life, etc., but the key focus should always be to target the anxiety and see the symptom as just that – a symptom of anxiety and not an entity in and of itself. And somehow, although in many cases the feeling/symptom may go unaddressed, it somehow resolves itself along with the anxiety itself. Like any illness, once the underlying cause is addressed, the associated symptoms all subside together with it.