The next thing to acknowledge is the amazing ability for the
body to detect and react to anxiety, even before the conscious mind is aware of
it. It’s amazing. It really is. Time after time, I would feel some muscle
twitches, realize that I am holding tension in my jaw, or even feel an anxiety
attack coming on, all without even realizing that I am actually anxious. But
thank G-d, I know what is causing them, and I have the ability to see past
them, and tune into my mind to try and determine why my body is holding tension
or reacting to anxiety. I can then address the anxiety, and with time, the
symptoms subside as well.
What happened was, I plateaued. I got out of the extreme anxiety attacks and the darkness and gloom that I suffered in for months. It took a lot of effort as this document will show. I clawed and churned and worked my way out of it until I reached a point of stability – no more uncontrollable spirals into anxiety and panic; no more sleepless nights; no more emotional distress.
And that’s when I reached a point of complacency. I was getting decent nights’ sleep, the TMJ pain has subsided for the most part, and things were stable. But, you see, here’s the problem. I am a person who is not happy with complacency, with good enough, and with plateaus and stability. Day after day of repetitious behavior and activities is not good enough for me. I need to keep forging ahead, growing, advancing, and becoming a better person. I tried focusing on what I mean to my wife and children and how they are benefiting from my daily existence thinking that it would give me the sense of fulfillment that I need in order to enjoy and appreciate each day of my life. But that was simply falling back on the external feedback mechanism, where I used to define myself by how others perceived me, and now here I was, or rather, am, defining and valuating my existence by the effect it had on others. For many people this works: they feel worthy and fulfilled based on the value, honor or prestige bestowed on them by others, and they value their days based on the effect they had on others and what they contributed to the world and their loved ones.
For many, that is enough, but for I, who am going through an existential crisis for lack of a better word, that is not enough. I need to know who I am, what I am doing here, what my value is to myself, what I am, what I am to me, and why I am on this earth, and the purpose of waking up each day as it relates to my own life and existence. I also need to understand and feel the need and desire to advance in life. I am not happy just standing still, but at the same time, I don’t feel any passion other than to stay where I am and just get through the days. But that’s not doing it for me. Sure, there are exciting events coming up such as birthdays, upsherin, etc., but for some reason, I need more. I need me. I need to be able to say to myself each morning, “wow, good thing I woke up this morning because…” Now, that reason may be because of something need to do for someone else, but it needs to be something internalized, something that I feel in my essence that makes me feel like each day is valuable and meaningful, as opposed to just another day to get through as best as possible, do the best I can, get to bed, and then do it all over again. That may work for many, but it does not work for me. In fact, perhaps it does not work for many, since 1 in 10 adults are on antidepressants and according to the symptoms described by them, 3 in 10 should be.
But before going further, it must be repeated that the progress made to date is astounding! On August 10, I was racing to the doctor in the worst panic of my life, ready to take the leap I had avoided until then, which was to start taking prescription medication for anxiety and panic. It was that day that he prescribed the Xanax, and when I first took it. Now it is November 7, less than 3 months from that fateful day, after which things became even worse at times, and here I am, having been off of the medication for over a month, without having seen a psychiatrist, psychotherapist, or medical doctor, and I am not in emotional distress, I am sleeping through the nights, I am functioning well through my days, I am no longer agoraphobic, I exude a positive aura, I have come out of my shell at home and at work and I am able to enjoy my family and try to grow personally, and I enjoy my workplace, my coworkers, and my career, and I look forward to advancing within it. Pain no longer sends me into panic, bad news does not result in a spiral of anxiety, and I no longer feel as though I am losing my mind. Wow! I am so amazed at what I have been able to accomplish in so short a time! Things got so bad and distressful that I actually called a psychiatrist at one point and was ready to start taking antidepressants…I called a psychotherapist and was ready to to start therapy sessions. I was ready to just give up and accept that I would most likely have to live a life of extreme emotional distress, which either way was not an option. I almost lost my wife and kids over it. It was so bad. October 8 was one of the worst days of my life when I took my anxiety and panic to the limit and felt like I was just going to explode, die, go insane, who knows? And here I am a few months later and the difference is night and day(break)!
And, to get some perspective on where things stand, amazingly, when I spoke with the hotshot therapist about possibly using him for treatment, all he could offer was that it required a minimum of a 6 month commitment, and that even after 6 months, most people did “better” at most, and for many, therapy didn’t even work. And worse, he wouldn’t even be able to see me for at least a week from then, and then only once a week, and I was in need of instant relief, as distressed as I was.
So regardless of whatever anxiety is left or whatever symptoms of unresolved anxiety I am currently experiencing, or whatever symptoms of anxiety such as muscle twitches, occasional muscle spasms, pain, etc., I need to keep things in perspective: By making the decision to slowly churn the meat-grinder and turn back the emotional and psychological wheels, get control of my overactive mind, and challenge and replace negative and false beliefs. To be out of the emotional abyss is one of the most amazing feelings ever, and to have come this far in so short a time without any outside help, is truly a miracle, and for that I am extremely thankful.
What happened was, I plateaued. I got out of the extreme anxiety attacks and the darkness and gloom that I suffered in for months. It took a lot of effort as this document will show. I clawed and churned and worked my way out of it until I reached a point of stability – no more uncontrollable spirals into anxiety and panic; no more sleepless nights; no more emotional distress.
And that’s when I reached a point of complacency. I was getting decent nights’ sleep, the TMJ pain has subsided for the most part, and things were stable. But, you see, here’s the problem. I am a person who is not happy with complacency, with good enough, and with plateaus and stability. Day after day of repetitious behavior and activities is not good enough for me. I need to keep forging ahead, growing, advancing, and becoming a better person. I tried focusing on what I mean to my wife and children and how they are benefiting from my daily existence thinking that it would give me the sense of fulfillment that I need in order to enjoy and appreciate each day of my life. But that was simply falling back on the external feedback mechanism, where I used to define myself by how others perceived me, and now here I was, or rather, am, defining and valuating my existence by the effect it had on others. For many people this works: they feel worthy and fulfilled based on the value, honor or prestige bestowed on them by others, and they value their days based on the effect they had on others and what they contributed to the world and their loved ones.
For many, that is enough, but for I, who am going through an existential crisis for lack of a better word, that is not enough. I need to know who I am, what I am doing here, what my value is to myself, what I am, what I am to me, and why I am on this earth, and the purpose of waking up each day as it relates to my own life and existence. I also need to understand and feel the need and desire to advance in life. I am not happy just standing still, but at the same time, I don’t feel any passion other than to stay where I am and just get through the days. But that’s not doing it for me. Sure, there are exciting events coming up such as birthdays, upsherin, etc., but for some reason, I need more. I need me. I need to be able to say to myself each morning, “wow, good thing I woke up this morning because…” Now, that reason may be because of something need to do for someone else, but it needs to be something internalized, something that I feel in my essence that makes me feel like each day is valuable and meaningful, as opposed to just another day to get through as best as possible, do the best I can, get to bed, and then do it all over again. That may work for many, but it does not work for me. In fact, perhaps it does not work for many, since 1 in 10 adults are on antidepressants and according to the symptoms described by them, 3 in 10 should be.
But before going further, it must be repeated that the progress made to date is astounding! On August 10, I was racing to the doctor in the worst panic of my life, ready to take the leap I had avoided until then, which was to start taking prescription medication for anxiety and panic. It was that day that he prescribed the Xanax, and when I first took it. Now it is November 7, less than 3 months from that fateful day, after which things became even worse at times, and here I am, having been off of the medication for over a month, without having seen a psychiatrist, psychotherapist, or medical doctor, and I am not in emotional distress, I am sleeping through the nights, I am functioning well through my days, I am no longer agoraphobic, I exude a positive aura, I have come out of my shell at home and at work and I am able to enjoy my family and try to grow personally, and I enjoy my workplace, my coworkers, and my career, and I look forward to advancing within it. Pain no longer sends me into panic, bad news does not result in a spiral of anxiety, and I no longer feel as though I am losing my mind. Wow! I am so amazed at what I have been able to accomplish in so short a time! Things got so bad and distressful that I actually called a psychiatrist at one point and was ready to start taking antidepressants…I called a psychotherapist and was ready to to start therapy sessions. I was ready to just give up and accept that I would most likely have to live a life of extreme emotional distress, which either way was not an option. I almost lost my wife and kids over it. It was so bad. October 8 was one of the worst days of my life when I took my anxiety and panic to the limit and felt like I was just going to explode, die, go insane, who knows? And here I am a few months later and the difference is night and day(break)!
And, to get some perspective on where things stand, amazingly, when I spoke with the hotshot therapist about possibly using him for treatment, all he could offer was that it required a minimum of a 6 month commitment, and that even after 6 months, most people did “better” at most, and for many, therapy didn’t even work. And worse, he wouldn’t even be able to see me for at least a week from then, and then only once a week, and I was in need of instant relief, as distressed as I was.
So regardless of whatever anxiety is left or whatever symptoms of unresolved anxiety I am currently experiencing, or whatever symptoms of anxiety such as muscle twitches, occasional muscle spasms, pain, etc., I need to keep things in perspective: By making the decision to slowly churn the meat-grinder and turn back the emotional and psychological wheels, get control of my overactive mind, and challenge and replace negative and false beliefs. To be out of the emotional abyss is one of the most amazing feelings ever, and to have come this far in so short a time without any outside help, is truly a miracle, and for that I am extremely thankful.
I just wanted to say that I love your blog, and as a fellow anxiety sufferer, I found your posts precisely when I was meant to, and it has really helped me. I recognise in myself many traits and behaviours you've described. Recently, my anxiety (i hate calling it "my") has been through the roof due to IVF treatments and I'm now on the road to a better recovery due to my previous recoveries from periods of peak anxiety, if that makes sense.
ReplyDeleteI hope you're doing great going, at least now you can confidently move forward with the many skills you've developed.
Warmly,
Beatrix.
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